God Erases

It seems that God's lessons to me are one spilling into the next, with some overlapping. It's astounding what He's showing me: that He erases circumstances and situations that I have wished I could change. He literally makes it as if these things hadn't occurred! I feel helpless to put this idea to words.

"I, even I, am He who blots out your transgressions for My own sake; And I will not remember your sins." Isaiah 43:25 (my added emphasis).

There have been several specific situations where the Lord nudges me about this, and for me to ask, trust, and believe. I confess that it can seem "too" wonderful, that my mind can't grasp it. Isn't that what makes God who He is? Isn't this why He sent His Son to die? I feel the miracle of what He's doing, what only He has power to do.

The Lord and I will work on one thing, then another seems to pop up. What condemnation I've felt in my life! What mistakes I've made...so many! Yet He seems to be taking each one and saying that yes, He will erase that one, too. 

My humanity responds in three ways:
1. I think, Can I ask the Lord to erase yet another thing?
2. I wonder, Is He willing to erase yet another thing?
3. I ask, Does he really, truly, erase certain circumstances...as in, honest-to-goodness...gone?? 

The Lord keeps bringing me back to Luke 11:9-13. I read and reread this passage: "So I say to you, ask, and it will be given to you; seek, and you will find; knock, and it will be opened to you. For everyone who asks receives, and he who seeks finds, and to him who knocks it will be opened." Now, get this: "If a son asks for bread from any father among you, will he give him a stone? Or if he asks for a fish, will he give him a serpent instead of a fish? Or if he asks for an egg, will he offer him a scorpion? If you then, being evil, know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will your heavenly Father give the Holy Spirit to those who ask Him!"

How much more, indeed! Our pastor encourages us to pray crazy, radical prayers, asking for things that to us seem impossible. In this passage, Jesus doesn't say that this asking, seeking, and knocking is a one-time deal, so we'd better proceed with caution and not use up our one "wish". I keep thinking about how parents want to give good gifts to their children. How much more does the Lord see my heart, and want to give me good things for His glory?

This view from my husband's office window is a breathtaking reminder of God's love and redemption, and that His promises are true.

The Lord has tied into this a struggle I have, that I seem to "freeze" in certain situations, seemingly not knowing how to respond. As a result, I end up tremendously regretting ways I've handled certain things. I end up feeling stupid, inadequate, and lacking sense. The Lord keeps reminding me that the Holy Spirit is there to help, all the time. Time and again, I rely on my own devices; I don't feel I have the wherewithal to even remember to call on Him. This is what leads to situations that cause regret.

God is now unpacking and unfolding all of this before me. I have trouble receiving His rescuing and love, because I feel like I should've known better, and don't deserve it. That's the whole point: I don't know better, which is why I need Christ! I can't rescue myself or others; my own devices leave me in the regret of my inadequacy. He is teaching me to call on the Holy Spirit, and to learn to trust in His forgiveness that removes (erases) all our transgressions from us (Psalm 103:12). "As a father pities his children, so the Lord pities those who fear Him" (Ps. 103:13).

Another addition to all of this is that the Lord has been addressing almost daily something that has weighed greatly on me for years: the effects that my inadequacy will have on my children. I have been nudged that these lessons are for me, and that my kids will benefit from that, rather than being harmed by it. What good news! 

I confess that all of this is hard for me to digest. It's hard to learn to trust God. However, He is teaching me to take Him at His word, as "impossible" as it seems to my human mind. Shouldn't God's ways be higher than mine? I'm learning to stop putting Him into my understanding, which actually isn't "understanding" at all. He truly renews the mind in ways I never imagined. 

"Oh, the depth of the riches both of the wisdom and knowledge of God! How unsearchable are His judgments, and His ways past finding out!" Romans 11:33

A Book Note...

Here is a book worth reading: Rosemary, The Hidden Kennedy Sister by Kate Clifford Larson (2015). Regardless of your position on the Kennedy family, you will be up late into the night getting to know Rosemary and her tragic story. Clifford does an outstanding job of giving this obscure figure the dignity she always deserved. Many biographies can contain dry, cumbersome details, but not this book. Every word contributes to the whole of Rosemary's fascinating story. This may be the most compelling biography I've ever read, no exaggeration.

"Now to Him who is able to do exceedingly abundantly above all that we ask or think, according to the power that works in us, to Him be glory in the church by Christ Jesus to all generations forever. Amen." Ephesians 3:20-21

God's Protection

I don't want to write a post about a man following my girls and me out of the library, but I feel a duty. You may be as oblivious as I was. I thought I always noticed people around us. I sometimes felt too cognizant of a loner in the park, or a strange-looking character in the store. It didn't occur to me that someone might follow us once we'd gotten into our vehicle. Thanks to a plain clothes policeman sent by the Lord, we escaped harm. I want you and your children to be safe as well.

We were in the library last week, about to leave, and were looking at a shelf of sale books right beside the entrance/exit. There's a big table beside this shelf where a policeman is usually stationed. We were almost through perusing when a man came in and stood to our left, presumably also looking at the books. I noticed he was odd-looking, with almost feminine facial features, as if wearing black eye-liner. His head was covered with a navy bandana, with black curls coming out underneath. He wore khaki shorts and some kind of sandals. His build was muscular, with hairy legs. 

Why did I notice all of this in just a few seconds? Probably because God wanted me to, and also because this guy was so noticeably different looking. Anyway, I moved my girls over, we looked maybe fifteen more seconds, then we left.

Evidently, so did he...right behind us.

I only know this because of the policeman who had indeed been at the table, but his plain clothes made him inconspicuous. As I was backing out of my parking space, he was standing by my window, beckoning. Only then did I notice the handcuffs and badge at his waist. He asked me to stay put for a minute, and asked if I had noticed the "weirdo" beside us at the bookshelf. "He acted like he was looking at the books," the cop said, "but, trust me, he was not looking at the books." A chill went through me, and I wanted to get sick.

Apparently, this policeman was at the table watching, and no one noticed him because he was sitting down in regular clothes, so his waist with his gear was hidden. He saw the man follow us out, and hightail it to his own car, which was parked in a different lot, across the street. We had parked behind the building. The cop said it seemed like the man was planning to follow me, so he wanted me to wait a few minutes. If I still noticed him, I was instructed to drive straight to the police station.

I talked to this officer for probably three or four minutes. He had been so busy chasing me down and giving me this information, that we didn't notice if the man left his parking lot. Supposedly he was in a blue Honda hatchback. Thankfully, he did not follow us home, and we actually had a sheriff behind us most of the way! I drove home in a daze, not knowing how to process the event, and being shocked that I hadn't even considered noticing if I were being followed. I think that if the cop hadn't informed me, even if I'd noticed the man, I might just have thought, "I think that's the guy from the library behind us." As scary as it is, I'm very glad to have this awareness now!

I'm looking into family self-defense with a local lady I know. I also started carrying my pepper spray again. Why did I think I didn't need it? Over the days that followed, I had many dark thoughts of what could've been. The devil attacked me hard. I recalled several moments past that could've ended badly, and took my feelings of condemnation to the Lord. Isn't that what Satan does, especially at night? He brings up the "what ifs," what "could've" happened, and how "negligent" and "stupid" I was. God has been allowing me to process this, and working on my heart regarding regrets and how I handled things I wish I could've done differently. On top of that, there was the lingering fear.

What if we were somewhere else, and saw this guy again? What if someone else tries to follow us? What if, what if, what if. I could drive myself insane falling into the enemy's fear traps. Ephesians 5:11 says, "Have no fellowship with the unfruitful works of darkness, but rather expose them." This is something to pray about daily. In writing this post and in talking to my friends, I am exposing the ugliness of darkness.

I have also done some serious praying about our protection, that the Lord would outfit us with what I term "beefy angel-bodyguards" to go everywhere with us. I felt peace about God's provision, as His Word clearly states that He places angels to guard us in all our ways. 

So guess what happened yesterday? I saw him again.

Yes, only nine days after the incident, I saw the guy again. I had just prayed before walking into the place; I asked the Lord, "Please don't let me see the man with the bandana here." Ironically, it was at another library event, although in a different building. I was alone this time, at the library's half-price book sale, and was just finishing looking around after having been there at least an hour. I don't go into the cd/dvd room, but as I passed by it, I glanced in...and there he was, standing in the little room, head bent, looking at some media that was in his hands. The bent head was covered with the same navy bandana, with the same black curls emerging, and he wore the same khaki shorts, and same sandals.

I seriously couldn't believe it. My first instinct was to flee past, which I did. I was shocked, and my heartbeat increased ten-fold in a matter of seconds. I stood with my back to where he would come out (if he left the dvd room), and pretended to look at some books (oh, the irony!) as I pulled myself together, tried to breathe, and said some prayer, although I have no idea what I said. I texted my husband, who responded "Get out of there," which I did. As I made my way through the payment lines, I kept my face firmly forward, as I didn't want him to see me. I had no idea if the guy could be behind me, although I feared he was. The ladies at the table wanted to chitchat, and I was practically shaking...I wondered what they would say if I blurted out, "I have to get out of here! A-bandana-guy-who-creeped-me-out-and-who-I-hoped-never-to-see-again-is-within-yards-of-me-and-I'm-gonna-pass-out-if-I-can't-get-outta-here!"

I grabbed the mace out of my purse, held it firmly along with my box of books, and made it to my van, which was thankfully parked close to the door. I checked to see if he was in the parking lot, and he wasn't. No one followed me out, and I made a second trip home in a daze, not knowing what to think or how to process seeing this person for the second time in nine days. 

"Lord," I said, "I have to admit I'm baffled. I confess I don't understand, when I had just prayed not to see that guy here, why I would see him here!" I knew God had some purpose, as He always does. I told Him I knew he was always teaching me something, but I just didn't get it. Not that I had to, but I knew that the Lord was happy to engage me in a dialogue nonetheless.

A different sort of question suddenly popped into my head: "Aren't you glad you did see him?" Well, yes, I was. And certainly glad that he didn't see me! And even more grateful that in the long time I was at the sale, not once did that man appear down an aisle where I had been. I can only imagine if I'd looked over and seen him standing beside me again, "looking" at books. I'm pretty certain I'd have passed out.

When I got home and had bent my husband's ear awhile, yet another nudge came to me: "Remember the beefy angel-bodyguards?" And it was a warm nudge, with a loving embrace from God. 

What do I make of all of this? I can't fully say. It was an unsettling evening, with more enemy attack. However, the love, protection, and sovereignty of God have overarched the whole situation. Jesus Christ is "Far above all principality and power and might and dominion, and every name that is named, not only in this age, but also in that which is to come. And He put all things under His feet..." (Ephesians 1:21-22). I read this aloud, thanking God for His might, and asking Him to make me strong in it (Ephesians 6:10). 

The Lord reminds me that, in none of the potentially dangerous situations that have happened over my life, have I been in control of the outcome. In fact, it is because of Him that they have ended well! I feel Him showing me His great love and protection, making me aware of His care for us. I was reminded today of the passage in Luke 11:11-13 where Jesus says, "If a son asks for bread from any father among you, will he give him a stone? Or if he asks for a fish, will he give him a serpent instead of a fish? Or if he asks for an egg, will he offer him a scorpion? If you then, being evil, know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will your heavenly Father give the Holy Spirit to those who ask Him!" Matthew's account in 6:11 says, "How much more will your Father who is in heaven give good things to those who ask Him!"

I feel the Lord's love in that He understands that I want "good things" for us. He is reminding me that He wants this, too, even more than I do ("How much more will your Father in heaven...?"). He is speaking to me about the fact that he gives bread, fish, and eggs, not stones, serpents, and scorpions. He gives "beefy angel-bodyguards" if we ask! It can feel scary and terrible, but our Father in heaven always knows what's good for us, even if it doesn't make complete earthly sense. I will trust and grow in Him, forgetting not all his benefits (Psalm 103:2)...and still carry my mace. I hope you will do the same!

Summer Rundown

Summer is supposed to be a time of breaks, but it ends up being almost busier than the school year! Now here we are in September, one of my favorite times of the year. Our summer was a blur of tennis, swimming, cake-making, a new job for my husband, community group, AHG camp, reading (of course), trips to see my dad during a long surgery recovery, and the Carowinds trip mentioned in the last post. Being a homebody, I don't seek to be "on the go," but this summer, it just happened.

Here are some photos I took during the past three months, that I'm happy to get around to posting: 

This summer, we became fans of "Kids' Baking Championship," and my girls started teaching themselves to bake cakes. This is a vanilla one they made for their grandmother's birthday in May.

Some-birdie decided to set up camp right on top of the hedge in front of the house! I enjoyed a frequent rustle in the bushes as I sat out on my bench.

Our community group didn't take a summer vacation. Being with these folks every Wednesday is a highlight of our week! There's nothing like Liz's homemade bread, and enjoying it with our group's company.

Memorial Day weekend means meeting up with our pals from all over the state for the Tarheel State Junior Qualifier. Players who compete are then eligible to play in the Southern level competitions in June. This picture illustrates what occurs when matches are on a rain delay!

We made it through the Qualifier, and then through Southern's two weeks later, in two separate cities (and states!) on the same weekend. Every age level was divided into its own tournament, so while Jeremy and one daughter were in Cary, NC, I went with another to Columbia, SC. After that, it was time to celebrate another year.... 

 ...with my annual espresso cake! This was baked by a local lady. It's as much fun (almost) to smell it as it is to eat it! Can you guess the number on my cake? Hint: I didn't turn 411 years old!

My birthday tradition is to thrift shop with my girls and Liz. I found these: 

The next day, my actual birthday, I spent at a homeschool curriculum/book sale. I thought I was supposed to be a seller, but I ended up being a buyer. At the end of the day, I guess I broke even: 

More odds and ends... 

This cute guy comes around this time of year. We don't know if he is "Chet" from last year, as we call him, but we enjoy seeing him behind the house.

My girls made this scrumptious, gooey cake for their grandfather, who turned seventy and whose favorite treats are Reese's peanut butter cups.

A friend told me that if I enjoy Jan Karon's Mitford series, I'd surely love Thyra Ferré Bjorn's books. I spotted Dear Papa on the library sale shelf for a quarter...and it's signed by the author! Papa's Wife was found a few weeks later at a used bookstore for fifty cents. As rare as these books are, it's thrilling to find them, especially for less than a dollar for both! Inexpensive treasures are fun.

One more cake! You can tell I'm proud of my bakers. This one was apple flavored, made by the girls for a party hosted by their aunt and uncle. The leftovers were wonderful for breakfast with my coffee!

"Are You Kidding?" Cake (from Pinterest):

One box of any flavored cake mix

One can of any pie filling

Three eggs, beaten

Mix these ingredients and pour batter into greased 9x13 pan; bake at 350 for 35 minutes.

The girls used vanilla cake mix and apple pie filling, but you can try any palatable combination. 

Goodbye, summer!