God Erases

It seems that God's lessons to me are one spilling into the next, with some overlapping. It's astounding what He's showing me: that He erases circumstances and situations that I have wished I could change. He literally makes it as if these things hadn't occurred! I feel helpless to put this idea to words.

"I, even I, am He who blots out your transgressions for My own sake; And I will not remember your sins." Isaiah 43:25 (my added emphasis).

There have been several specific situations where the Lord nudges me about this, and for me to ask, trust, and believe. I confess that it can seem "too" wonderful, that my mind can't grasp it. Isn't that what makes God who He is? Isn't this why He sent His Son to die? I feel the miracle of what He's doing, what only He has power to do.

The Lord and I will work on one thing, then another seems to pop up. What condemnation I've felt in my life! What mistakes I've made...so many! Yet He seems to be taking each one and saying that yes, He will erase that one, too. 

My humanity responds in three ways:
1. I think, Can I ask the Lord to erase yet another thing?
2. I wonder, Is He willing to erase yet another thing?
3. I ask, Does he really, truly, erase certain circumstances...as in, honest-to-goodness...gone?? 

The Lord keeps bringing me back to Luke 11:9-13. I read and reread this passage: "So I say to you, ask, and it will be given to you; seek, and you will find; knock, and it will be opened to you. For everyone who asks receives, and he who seeks finds, and to him who knocks it will be opened." Now, get this: "If a son asks for bread from any father among you, will he give him a stone? Or if he asks for a fish, will he give him a serpent instead of a fish? Or if he asks for an egg, will he offer him a scorpion? If you then, being evil, know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will your heavenly Father give the Holy Spirit to those who ask Him!"

How much more, indeed! Our pastor encourages us to pray crazy, radical prayers, asking for things that to us seem impossible. In this passage, Jesus doesn't say that this asking, seeking, and knocking is a one-time deal, so we'd better proceed with caution and not use up our one "wish". I keep thinking about how parents want to give good gifts to their children. How much more does the Lord see my heart, and want to give me good things for His glory?

This view from my husband's office window is a breathtaking reminder of God's love and redemption, and that His promises are true.

The Lord has tied into this a struggle I have, that I seem to "freeze" in certain situations, seemingly not knowing how to respond. As a result, I end up tremendously regretting ways I've handled certain things. I end up feeling stupid, inadequate, and lacking sense. The Lord keeps reminding me that the Holy Spirit is there to help, all the time. Time and again, I rely on my own devices; I don't feel I have the wherewithal to even remember to call on Him. This is what leads to situations that cause regret.

God is now unpacking and unfolding all of this before me. I have trouble receiving His rescuing and love, because I feel like I should've known better, and don't deserve it. That's the whole point: I don't know better, which is why I need Christ! I can't rescue myself or others; my own devices leave me in the regret of my inadequacy. He is teaching me to call on the Holy Spirit, and to learn to trust in His forgiveness that removes (erases) all our transgressions from us (Psalm 103:12). "As a father pities his children, so the Lord pities those who fear Him" (Ps. 103:13).

Another addition to all of this is that the Lord has been addressing almost daily something that has weighed greatly on me for years: the effects that my inadequacy will have on my children. I have been nudged that these lessons are for me, and that my kids will benefit from that, rather than being harmed by it. What good news! 

I confess that all of this is hard for me to digest. It's hard to learn to trust God. However, He is teaching me to take Him at His word, as "impossible" as it seems to my human mind. Shouldn't God's ways be higher than mine? I'm learning to stop putting Him into my understanding, which actually isn't "understanding" at all. He truly renews the mind in ways I never imagined. 

"Oh, the depth of the riches both of the wisdom and knowledge of God! How unsearchable are His judgments, and His ways past finding out!" Romans 11:33

A Book Note...

Here is a book worth reading: Rosemary, The Hidden Kennedy Sister by Kate Clifford Larson (2015). Regardless of your position on the Kennedy family, you will be up late into the night getting to know Rosemary and her tragic story. Clifford does an outstanding job of giving this obscure figure the dignity she always deserved. Many biographies can contain dry, cumbersome details, but not this book. Every word contributes to the whole of Rosemary's fascinating story. This may be the most compelling biography I've ever read, no exaggeration.

"Now to Him who is able to do exceedingly abundantly above all that we ask or think, according to the power that works in us, to Him be glory in the church by Christ Jesus to all generations forever. Amen." Ephesians 3:20-21

Heart Prayer of Repentance

It's been a week of the Lord speaking to me in so many ways, they get fuzzy and jumbled. I feel the weight of sin, and the hope of truth and repentance. There's the dilemma of my head and heart not meeting, and old lies resurfacing. There are also "spiritual two-by-fours," as my husband calls them, that lovingly level me with ways God wants to change and shape me. 

I listened to a John Piper sermon called "Neither Do I Condemn You" at least four times late last week. The text was the end of John 7, and the beginning of John 8, where the Pharisees are nitpicking parts of the law, ready to stone the woman caught in adultery. Piper says that with circumcision on the Sabbath vs. healing a whole man, Jesus is drawing out the question, "What kind of a crazy use of the law is that?" 

I took notes on the last nine minutes of the sermon. Here are some points that stood out to me. Although my story isn't the same as this woman's, Piper's words to Christ's grace in all situations: 

• "In saying, 'Go and sin no more,' Jesus is saying, "I am re-establishing your holy life, my friend. I'm building it again...Here's the difference, woman: I have just put it on a new foundation, my grace. Do you hear this, woman? I'm not lessening the command to you ("Don't do it again"), but now, I have just forgiven you totally...Woman, I am rebuilding justice, I am rebuilding righteousness, I am rebuilding holiness, and I'm building it on grace." 
• "You have to have an experience of grace in your life before you can pursue not sinning. If you try to pursue not sinning without the experience of amazing grace, what do you get? Pharisaism...heartless misuses of the law."
• "'Be holy as I am holy,' but don't pursue this holiness until you've heard the words, 'Neither do I condemn you'...that's the point of the Bible...Come to Jesus for grace, and set your face to sin no more.

My head, heart, and journal have been so full of the fires of refining this week, I wondered how I'd be able to bathe it all in prayer and cover everything. There seem to be so many needs, so many areas in which to grow, that I have trouble remembering all there is to cry out with. I wrote a prayer and made several copies: one in my journal, one for my bathroom mirror, one to keep in my purse, and one tucked in the Bible by my bed. 

Holy Spirit, please work in my heart and mind. Let the words and actions of others not dictate who I am. Enable me to respond with truth and grace. Let me not be rash with my mouth. Let me draw near to hear, and not utter anything hastily. Lord, You are in heaven, and I am on earth, so let my words be few. Make me to love purity of heart, and have grace on my lips.

Jesus, show me my own plank before I examine another’s speck. Let my heart be centered on You rather on myself. Take me to Your feet at the cross, and enable me to lay my sin and troubles there. Transform the black clouds of my heart with the sunshine of Your redemption, enabling me to stand fast in the liberty by which Your blood has made me free. Change my heart to believe that my righteousness is by Your grace, not by my works. Enable me to receive the white robe of Your newness and protection.

Lord, let Your discretion preserve me, and Your understanding keep me. Enfold me with the ability to discern what to do, and to possess cautious reserve in my speech, for Your glory and my good. Remind me that I am joined to my Bridegroom, Who was raised from the dead, that I should bear fruit to Him. Help my heart to remember and trust in the fact that I have died to the things that once held me, and that I serve in the newness of the Spirit. Enable me to grow in constant repentance, holding on to renewal, and believing that there is no condemnation for those in You, Jesus. Lord, help my unbelief, in Jesus’s name. Amen. 

I heard Tim Keller say this week, "The cycle that you must be growing in daily is moving from repentance to faith." Daily. Repentance to faith, all day long, till the sun goes down...then repeat in a new and different way, for a lifetime. Martin Luther's first of his Ninety-five Theses is, "When our Lord and Master Jesus Christ said, 'Repent,' (Mt. 4:17), He willed the entire life of believers to be one of repentance." We are on a journey, and only arrive when we reach the destination of our heavenly home. I am constantly reminding myself that there's no point at which I'll lean back, fold my arms, and say, "Well, now I've arrived! I can stop growing spiritually." 

Donec iterum...

Recent Reads

I always have several books going at a time. Some take much longer than others. There never seems to be sufficient time to read, but I consider it mind-food; "professional development," I like to call it. It's amazing that, when I have a few minutes here and there and fill them with a paragraph or a few pages, the finishing of an entire book is soon accomplished. It all adds up; slow and steady does win the race.

Two books that have been long, steady, meaty reads are How To Keep Well by Albert Blaisdell, M.D., and A Turtle on a Fencepost by Allan C. Emery, Jr. 

Until recently, I thought I had to read one book at a time, consistently, without starting another until the first is finished. If I still espoused that philosophy, then I might only read two or three books a year. Richer books like these two are the kind I like to eat a few bites of, then digest slowly. There's nothing hard about Blaisdell's book; it's a science book written in 1895 to teach young people about the body, its intricacies, and how to stay healthy. The reading was never boring; check out how artificial respiration used to look: 

As fascinating as old medical books are to me, I can't exist on a steady diet of that same food all the time; my mind needs variety. I'm not always in the mood for this, just like I don't always desire pizza at every meal; my reading needs to be varied. 

Emery's book, A Turtle on a Fencepost, is a gem. It's simply about his life; he describes his youth, his service in World War II, and life as a wool salesman. The tales of Emery's parents and their rich, real faith in Jesus delight and encourage. He recounts the many ways the Lord worked in his life, and how his faith was grown over the years. Again, this is a book to savor slowly, whose lessons are tiny nuggets of wisdom to be pondered deeply. I grew to admire this man, seeing him as a kind friend in Christ, wishing I could sit and hear firsthand about his experiences. 

Two other books I finished a few weeks ago have basic similarities, yet startlingly stark differences:

The author of Laurel's Choices, Exie Wilde Henson, is first cousin of my husband's grandfather. She has captured the story of her parents, Joe and Ethel Wilde, in fiction form; this book is a condensed version of her other two novels. Frank McCourt also wrote about his parents' history and his upbringing in Angela's Ashes, telling raw truth with names unchanged. Both books focus on women, Laurel and Angela, and their lives; the reader experiences the details of their marriages, living situations, child-rearing, and intimate ups and downs.

Both were alike yet so different; Laurel's Choices was an easier read, although her family experienced its share of trials. This book depicts an educated woman's journey as the wife of a logger, living in the primitive conditions of a logging camp in the western North Carolina mountains in the 1920's. We get to travel with her through three decades as she has babies, cures illnesses, loves the unlovable, endures sorrow, leads Sunday school, prays for an unbelieving husband, fights for the right to vote, loses loved ones, and trusts the Lord. The reader watches Laurel's children's lives from birth to adulthood, enjoying each new adventure of the Worth family. This is a book that will keep you glued to its pages for hours.

As for Angela's Ashes, I had picked it up on the library sale shelf for a quarter. My dad had read it many years ago, and I remembered it as a best-seller. I decided to take it to the beach earlier this month, where I also took Laurel's Choices. When I finished Laurel's story, I took up Angela's. I spent many hours in this place, also unable to tear myself away from the details of her life:

Actually, one difference is that McCourt's book focuses on his own childhood, with his mother's story tucked into the folds. Who she was and the decisions she made greatly affected the chronicle of young Frank. If I had to describe McCourt's childhood in one word, I couldn't decide between two: appalling, or horrific? I wanted to take this little boy into my own home and love him like he deserved.

Angela's Ashes takes place almost exactly during the time period of Laurel's Choices, and both families lived in crude conditions. However, as I stated, the differences between these women and their households are severe. I didn't know whether to feel sorry for Angela, or to take her by the collar and shake her. I never felt sorry for Laurel, not even in the worst tragedies. Parts of both books are hard to stomach, although for different reasons. Laurel's story contains detailed descriptions of medical scenarios and their household remedies; Angela's has vivid images of abuse and poverty, plus some sexual components. 

Frank McCourt states that it's a miracle that he lived through his childhood; I read this statement before I began the book, and it didn't take long for me to see what he meant. You may ask why I would want to read a book like that! In reading his account, I realized that McCourt's story was worth reading, not just for the man who probably healed immensely in writing it, but also for that innocent little boy who experienced such tragedy. I could only imagine how many adults I know today who lived through other traumatic experiences, myself included. We know nothing of peoples' journeys, and reading McCourt's intensifies the fact that we are all image-bearers with hurting hearts. My heart hurt for that little boy, and this book actually brought growth to my own heart. There is a sequel, 'Tis, that I'm not sure would be good for me to read. Toward the end of Ashes, descriptions began to be racy and heavily sexual in content, with McCourt as a young man on his way back to America, where he was born. As much as I would enjoy knowing how his story turned out, I don't know if I can handle the mind-pictures painted of this hurt boy's adulthood.

Speaking of food...

My eight-year-old presented me with this lunch awhile back. I love not only rich mind-food, but the richness of food prepared with love! God often allows her to minister to me in this way, whether it's making me a special dessert, drawing me a picture, or folding my bath towel hotel-style! It still is, and always will be, the "little" things that are big.

Some pearls from Charlotte Mason (from Chapter 6 of A Philosophy of Education):

"...we are empirically certain that a chief function of education is the establishment of such ways of thinking in children as shall issue in good and useful living, clear thinking, aesthetic enjoyment, and, above all, in the religious life."

"If we fail to ease life by laying down habits of right thinking and right acting, habits of wrong thinking and wrong acting fix themselves of their own accord."

"Physical fitness, morals and manners, are very largely the outcome of habit."

So....do we as adults exhibit good and useful living ourselves? Do we enjoy clear thinking, beauty, and a growing walk with Christ? Is this remotely close to what passes for education today? Are we as parents demonstrating right thinking and acting? Not that we are perfect, but that we repent and grow, trusting in God's Son, the only One who is perfect, pointing ourselves and our kids to Him? And do we think that morals and manners are just "lucky," depending on our kids' temperaments, or do we run a slow and stead race, instilling good habits in our kids as well as in ourselves, asking God's help at every step? Serious food for thought.

Suffering in Obedience

Good grief, what a week. I'm experiencing the refining process of facing God's will, even though it goes against the way I would've chosen. Good thing One of us knows what He's doing. The other one has felt beaten up and battle-worn, but I'm being counted as one who can speak His Word with authority.

Here's a clip no one enjoys putting into reality: 

What is joy, really? Is it the warm, fuzzy feeling we'd refer to as "well-being"? I contend that, if we're on the narrow road of God's Way, "joy" doesn't feel like we want it to. In fact, for me right now, it's pretty darn harrowing. I am trusting the God of the universe Who tells me that these tears I sow will reap joy (Psalm 126:5). It's hard to live out being refined when many who call themselves Christians in America won't endure a minute's discomfort to truly grow in Christ.

The irony is that this actually is true "well-being." No wonder the narrow road is sparse. Tears, cotton-brain, and torment from Satan just aren't selling points for getting folks to sign up for this race. I'm willing to throw it out there and be deemed a "Debbie Downer" by those who don't get it. I believe more of us are suffering the trials of obedience than we realize; we just don't talk about it. What are you afraid of? God's finally brought me to a turning point in my life when I'm afraid not to be a bold voice for Him. There's courage on this road, too.

Chew on this quote from Dietrich Bonhoeffer, and dare to follow your own way:

"...within the fellowship of Christ's suffering, suffering is overcome by suffering, and becomes the way to communion with God." (From The Cost of Discipleship).

There's no two ways about it: either I obey, or I don't. My obedience looks like my trusting Him simply because He says so; "Now faith is the substance of things hoped for, the evidence of things not seen" (Hebrews 11:1). A wise friend reminded me a few days ago that others might not realize the cost of our obedience. It is so hard to spend oneself and endure distress for things unseen, when anything else seems "better," and no one has any idea of the cost. I make this statement as one going through it now, still in the trial. 

I have got to keep my eyes focused on Christ, not on myself or my circumstance. He exhibited the ultimate obedience, perfect and unblemished, at a cost that spilled blood to cover the cost of my own suffering. How can I not hear him and do His bidding? Pastor Tim Keller tells a story of a woman in his congregation who, upon realizing the sacrifice that Christ gave for her, said, "If He gave his life for me, there's nothing He can't ask of me." I can't worry about the fact that I might not like it...Father knows best, and He sees past, present, and future. I love the Casting Crowns song that says, "To You the future is a memory." 

"Oh, the depth of the riches both of the wisdom and knowledge of God! How unsearchable are His judgments and His ways past finding out!" (Note that this was authored by a guy who was in chains, the same one who had sought out Christians to kill them: Romans 11:33, our brother Paul.)

If you've read this blog for any length of time, you know I'm against a fluffy, "Just let go and let God!" attitude. Pull up those rugs that are lumpy from all the issues swept under them! Pollyanna Christianity is not the way Jesus operated. His life was hard; he suffered greatly, being ridiculed for walking the narrow path. Even his own family members didn't get Him. He had no reason to leave the perfection of Heaven but to give us a model of how to share in His sufferings, and to cover all this mess with His healing blood. To "feather His hair" (as Matt Chandler says) with our platitudes and pseudo-reality is to stand in the crowd as one of His mockers. 

The Lord has to be my portion always (Lamentations 3:24). "Through the Lord's mercies we are not consumed" (Lam. 3:22). He has been preparing me for this through other difficulties, and although I don't enjoy it, it's a privilege to let Him lead. We all know Solomon's list in Ecclesiastes, plagiarized by the Byrds in their '60's song, "Turn, Turn, Turn"....there truly is "...a time to weep, and a time to laugh...a time of war, and a time of peace" (3:4, 8). 

I read a Martin Luther quote the other day that blew me away:

"Discipleship is not limited to what you can comprehend--it must transcend all comprehension. Plunge into the deep waters beyond your own comprehension...Bewilderment is the true comprehension. Not to know where you are going is true knowledge...Not the work which you choose, not the suffering you devise, but the road which is clean contrary to all that your choose or contrive or desire--that is the road you must take."

I surround myself with godly people. They hear my confessions and heart without judgment, not straying from the Word and reminding me of God's hard truth. I ask God to let me walk in light, not darkness, that I would know in my heart who He says I am, not who the devil wants me to think I am. I seek the testimonies of other sufferers, like the Apostle Paul, Bonhoeffer, Spurgeon, and Luther. I ask the Holy Spirit to help me hear Him, to allow me to focus on this moment and not the future. If I'm brain-dead at night, I allow "The Andy Griffith Show" to minister to me. Sometimes even I have to put my books on hold. 

I humbly ask for your prayers. God is always working, but seldom do I know what He's doing. It's not my job to figure it out, because He is unsearchable, and "His ways past finding out," remember? It's not my job to make things happen, or manipulate my own thinking. He is lovingly and painfully giving me crowns to lay at His feet. 

Instead of pulling myself up and making every effort to fake "good courage," I'm learning to say, "Lord, help me wait on You. Enable me to be of good courage. Please strengthen my heart." I like this way better; it hurts in the short term, but isn't as painful in the long run as disobedience from my own attempts. Notice the marks of my tears on this page as I created it. 

Because there is joy during trials, here are some photos I've enjoyed this week:

Here is my Dad circa 1970. When his number came up, he was obedient to the call to Vietnam. He spent over a year of his life there, and wouldn't be who he is today had he not been through that difficult time. Here he is with a pup that died shortly after this photo was taken. Dad says it was discovered that the dog had rabies, so all the guys who had handled him had to go through a series of shots. My Dad is my favorite vet, and I thanked him and many others on Nov. 11 for their sacrifices. Obedience comes in various forms. 

We worked on parts of school outside this week, and Nibbles accompanied us. She delights in eating grass from the yard, although most of it is brown these days. Pray for rain for western North Carolina, as I'm sure you've heard about the wildfires here. As distracting as it can be to have our piggy along for schoolwork, we have to look for and receive joy where God gives it, and she fits the bill for sure. If you desire a pet but don't want a lot of work, a guinea pig is perfect. 

We went to Dad's alma mater yesterday to enjoy a football game. This man is Uncle Tim Remaley, my godfather and special friend. He and Dad were teammates at Wofford and have known each other over fifty years. I'm grateful to have had Uncle Tim's love and company since the day I was born. I don't see him often enough anymore, but am happy to catch him at a game. Thank You, Lord, for him and his family, who have always been like my own. 

Until next time! Thanks for reading. Pass this on to others who need a friend in Christ.