God Erases

It seems that God's lessons to me are one spilling into the next, with some overlapping. It's astounding what He's showing me: that He erases circumstances and situations that I have wished I could change. He literally makes it as if these things hadn't occurred! I feel helpless to put this idea to words.

"I, even I, am He who blots out your transgressions for My own sake; And I will not remember your sins." Isaiah 43:25 (my added emphasis).

There have been several specific situations where the Lord nudges me about this, and for me to ask, trust, and believe. I confess that it can seem "too" wonderful, that my mind can't grasp it. Isn't that what makes God who He is? Isn't this why He sent His Son to die? I feel the miracle of what He's doing, what only He has power to do.

The Lord and I will work on one thing, then another seems to pop up. What condemnation I've felt in my life! What mistakes I've made...so many! Yet He seems to be taking each one and saying that yes, He will erase that one, too. 

My humanity responds in three ways:
1. I think, Can I ask the Lord to erase yet another thing?
2. I wonder, Is He willing to erase yet another thing?
3. I ask, Does he really, truly, erase certain circumstances...as in, honest-to-goodness...gone?? 

The Lord keeps bringing me back to Luke 11:9-13. I read and reread this passage: "So I say to you, ask, and it will be given to you; seek, and you will find; knock, and it will be opened to you. For everyone who asks receives, and he who seeks finds, and to him who knocks it will be opened." Now, get this: "If a son asks for bread from any father among you, will he give him a stone? Or if he asks for a fish, will he give him a serpent instead of a fish? Or if he asks for an egg, will he offer him a scorpion? If you then, being evil, know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will your heavenly Father give the Holy Spirit to those who ask Him!"

How much more, indeed! Our pastor encourages us to pray crazy, radical prayers, asking for things that to us seem impossible. In this passage, Jesus doesn't say that this asking, seeking, and knocking is a one-time deal, so we'd better proceed with caution and not use up our one "wish". I keep thinking about how parents want to give good gifts to their children. How much more does the Lord see my heart, and want to give me good things for His glory?

This view from my husband's office window is a breathtaking reminder of God's love and redemption, and that His promises are true.

The Lord has tied into this a struggle I have, that I seem to "freeze" in certain situations, seemingly not knowing how to respond. As a result, I end up tremendously regretting ways I've handled certain things. I end up feeling stupid, inadequate, and lacking sense. The Lord keeps reminding me that the Holy Spirit is there to help, all the time. Time and again, I rely on my own devices; I don't feel I have the wherewithal to even remember to call on Him. This is what leads to situations that cause regret.

God is now unpacking and unfolding all of this before me. I have trouble receiving His rescuing and love, because I feel like I should've known better, and don't deserve it. That's the whole point: I don't know better, which is why I need Christ! I can't rescue myself or others; my own devices leave me in the regret of my inadequacy. He is teaching me to call on the Holy Spirit, and to learn to trust in His forgiveness that removes (erases) all our transgressions from us (Psalm 103:12). "As a father pities his children, so the Lord pities those who fear Him" (Ps. 103:13).

Another addition to all of this is that the Lord has been addressing almost daily something that has weighed greatly on me for years: the effects that my inadequacy will have on my children. I have been nudged that these lessons are for me, and that my kids will benefit from that, rather than being harmed by it. What good news! 

I confess that all of this is hard for me to digest. It's hard to learn to trust God. However, He is teaching me to take Him at His word, as "impossible" as it seems to my human mind. Shouldn't God's ways be higher than mine? I'm learning to stop putting Him into my understanding, which actually isn't "understanding" at all. He truly renews the mind in ways I never imagined. 

"Oh, the depth of the riches both of the wisdom and knowledge of God! How unsearchable are His judgments, and His ways past finding out!" Romans 11:33

A Book Note...

Here is a book worth reading: Rosemary, The Hidden Kennedy Sister by Kate Clifford Larson (2015). Regardless of your position on the Kennedy family, you will be up late into the night getting to know Rosemary and her tragic story. Clifford does an outstanding job of giving this obscure figure the dignity she always deserved. Many biographies can contain dry, cumbersome details, but not this book. Every word contributes to the whole of Rosemary's fascinating story. This may be the most compelling biography I've ever read, no exaggeration.

"Now to Him who is able to do exceedingly abundantly above all that we ask or think, according to the power that works in us, to Him be glory in the church by Christ Jesus to all generations forever. Amen." Ephesians 3:20-21

God's Protection

I don't want to write a post about a man following my girls and me out of the library, but I feel a duty. You may be as oblivious as I was. I thought I always noticed people around us. I sometimes felt too cognizant of a loner in the park, or a strange-looking character in the store. It didn't occur to me that someone might follow us once we'd gotten into our vehicle. Thanks to a plain clothes policeman sent by the Lord, we escaped harm. I want you and your children to be safe as well.

We were in the library last week, about to leave, and were looking at a shelf of sale books right beside the entrance/exit. There's a big table beside this shelf where a policeman is usually stationed. We were almost through perusing when a man came in and stood to our left, presumably also looking at the books. I noticed he was odd-looking, with almost feminine facial features, as if wearing black eye-liner. His head was covered with a navy bandana, with black curls coming out underneath. He wore khaki shorts and some kind of sandals. His build was muscular, with hairy legs. 

Why did I notice all of this in just a few seconds? Probably because God wanted me to, and also because this guy was so noticeably different looking. Anyway, I moved my girls over, we looked maybe fifteen more seconds, then we left.

Evidently, so did he...right behind us.

I only know this because of the policeman who had indeed been at the table, but his plain clothes made him inconspicuous. As I was backing out of my parking space, he was standing by my window, beckoning. Only then did I notice the handcuffs and badge at his waist. He asked me to stay put for a minute, and asked if I had noticed the "weirdo" beside us at the bookshelf. "He acted like he was looking at the books," the cop said, "but, trust me, he was not looking at the books." A chill went through me, and I wanted to get sick.

Apparently, this policeman was at the table watching, and no one noticed him because he was sitting down in regular clothes, so his waist with his gear was hidden. He saw the man follow us out, and hightail it to his own car, which was parked in a different lot, across the street. We had parked behind the building. The cop said it seemed like the man was planning to follow me, so he wanted me to wait a few minutes. If I still noticed him, I was instructed to drive straight to the police station.

I talked to this officer for probably three or four minutes. He had been so busy chasing me down and giving me this information, that we didn't notice if the man left his parking lot. Supposedly he was in a blue Honda hatchback. Thankfully, he did not follow us home, and we actually had a sheriff behind us most of the way! I drove home in a daze, not knowing how to process the event, and being shocked that I hadn't even considered noticing if I were being followed. I think that if the cop hadn't informed me, even if I'd noticed the man, I might just have thought, "I think that's the guy from the library behind us." As scary as it is, I'm very glad to have this awareness now!

I'm looking into family self-defense with a local lady I know. I also started carrying my pepper spray again. Why did I think I didn't need it? Over the days that followed, I had many dark thoughts of what could've been. The devil attacked me hard. I recalled several moments past that could've ended badly, and took my feelings of condemnation to the Lord. Isn't that what Satan does, especially at night? He brings up the "what ifs," what "could've" happened, and how "negligent" and "stupid" I was. God has been allowing me to process this, and working on my heart regarding regrets and how I handled things I wish I could've done differently. On top of that, there was the lingering fear.

What if we were somewhere else, and saw this guy again? What if someone else tries to follow us? What if, what if, what if. I could drive myself insane falling into the enemy's fear traps. Ephesians 5:11 says, "Have no fellowship with the unfruitful works of darkness, but rather expose them." This is something to pray about daily. In writing this post and in talking to my friends, I am exposing the ugliness of darkness.

I have also done some serious praying about our protection, that the Lord would outfit us with what I term "beefy angel-bodyguards" to go everywhere with us. I felt peace about God's provision, as His Word clearly states that He places angels to guard us in all our ways. 

So guess what happened yesterday? I saw him again.

Yes, only nine days after the incident, I saw the guy again. I had just prayed before walking into the place; I asked the Lord, "Please don't let me see the man with the bandana here." Ironically, it was at another library event, although in a different building. I was alone this time, at the library's half-price book sale, and was just finishing looking around after having been there at least an hour. I don't go into the cd/dvd room, but as I passed by it, I glanced in...and there he was, standing in the little room, head bent, looking at some media that was in his hands. The bent head was covered with the same navy bandana, with the same black curls emerging, and he wore the same khaki shorts, and same sandals.

I seriously couldn't believe it. My first instinct was to flee past, which I did. I was shocked, and my heartbeat increased ten-fold in a matter of seconds. I stood with my back to where he would come out (if he left the dvd room), and pretended to look at some books (oh, the irony!) as I pulled myself together, tried to breathe, and said some prayer, although I have no idea what I said. I texted my husband, who responded "Get out of there," which I did. As I made my way through the payment lines, I kept my face firmly forward, as I didn't want him to see me. I had no idea if the guy could be behind me, although I feared he was. The ladies at the table wanted to chitchat, and I was practically shaking...I wondered what they would say if I blurted out, "I have to get out of here! A-bandana-guy-who-creeped-me-out-and-who-I-hoped-never-to-see-again-is-within-yards-of-me-and-I'm-gonna-pass-out-if-I-can't-get-outta-here!"

I grabbed the mace out of my purse, held it firmly along with my box of books, and made it to my van, which was thankfully parked close to the door. I checked to see if he was in the parking lot, and he wasn't. No one followed me out, and I made a second trip home in a daze, not knowing what to think or how to process seeing this person for the second time in nine days. 

"Lord," I said, "I have to admit I'm baffled. I confess I don't understand, when I had just prayed not to see that guy here, why I would see him here!" I knew God had some purpose, as He always does. I told Him I knew he was always teaching me something, but I just didn't get it. Not that I had to, but I knew that the Lord was happy to engage me in a dialogue nonetheless.

A different sort of question suddenly popped into my head: "Aren't you glad you did see him?" Well, yes, I was. And certainly glad that he didn't see me! And even more grateful that in the long time I was at the sale, not once did that man appear down an aisle where I had been. I can only imagine if I'd looked over and seen him standing beside me again, "looking" at books. I'm pretty certain I'd have passed out.

When I got home and had bent my husband's ear awhile, yet another nudge came to me: "Remember the beefy angel-bodyguards?" And it was a warm nudge, with a loving embrace from God. 

What do I make of all of this? I can't fully say. It was an unsettling evening, with more enemy attack. However, the love, protection, and sovereignty of God have overarched the whole situation. Jesus Christ is "Far above all principality and power and might and dominion, and every name that is named, not only in this age, but also in that which is to come. And He put all things under His feet..." (Ephesians 1:21-22). I read this aloud, thanking God for His might, and asking Him to make me strong in it (Ephesians 6:10). 

The Lord reminds me that, in none of the potentially dangerous situations that have happened over my life, have I been in control of the outcome. In fact, it is because of Him that they have ended well! I feel Him showing me His great love and protection, making me aware of His care for us. I was reminded today of the passage in Luke 11:11-13 where Jesus says, "If a son asks for bread from any father among you, will he give him a stone? Or if he asks for a fish, will he give him a serpent instead of a fish? Or if he asks for an egg, will he offer him a scorpion? If you then, being evil, know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will your heavenly Father give the Holy Spirit to those who ask Him!" Matthew's account in 6:11 says, "How much more will your Father who is in heaven give good things to those who ask Him!"

I feel the Lord's love in that He understands that I want "good things" for us. He is reminding me that He wants this, too, even more than I do ("How much more will your Father in heaven...?"). He is speaking to me about the fact that he gives bread, fish, and eggs, not stones, serpents, and scorpions. He gives "beefy angel-bodyguards" if we ask! It can feel scary and terrible, but our Father in heaven always knows what's good for us, even if it doesn't make complete earthly sense. I will trust and grow in Him, forgetting not all his benefits (Psalm 103:2)...and still carry my mace. I hope you will do the same!

Performance

This little stanza from The Cloud of Witness speaks exactly what I was feeling when I awoke this morning. Lately I've struggled with "not messing up." I relate it to how my children and I sometimes play tennis; rather than playing to win, we play "not to lose." Our minds and eyes are focused on not making mistakes rather than trusting what we know. 

God did not give us a spirit of fear, but of power, and love, and a sound mind (2 Timothy 1:7). When I focus on what seems formidable to me, I allow the "strength of the foe," as John Henry Newman puts it in his poem, to eclipse the Lord's strength, sovereignty, and power. When I act in my own feeble strength, I miss Christ's rescuing and help. Our Creator doesn't want us to live life dodging traps all day, but to seek first His kingdom (Matthew 6:33)!

The Lord is revealing to me places where I have this "performance" mindset. When I go through life "playing not to lose," rather than "playing to win," I count on my own weak performance rather than what I've said I've trusted Christ to do. When I say I trust Him, I choose to believe that He is good. It's not my performance that leads me in His design, but rather my belief in Him. Lord, help my unbelief!

Learning to Teach Writing

A few days ago I mentioned the Writing Rhetoric book we're using this year in school. Today we came to the part that made me nervous: "Rewrite the fable of The Lion and the Mouse." Oh, how I detested doing activities like this as a child! For a week and a half, we've gone over this fable and done various activities to get us thinking about how this fable is written. But to have to re-write an entire story? I anticipated pushback, maybe even tears.

The story has to do with a mouse captured by a lion, who laughs when the mouse tells him that if he's let go, he will one day help the lion. The lion doubts that such a small creature will ever be of use to him. One day, however, when the lion is caught in a net, the mouse proves himself useful by gnawing him out. Our task now was to rewrite the fable, but with the mouse as the strong character. 

Surprisingly, both girls knew immediately how they wanted their stories to go. What followed, though, was the dread and bigness of having to convey the whole thing on paper. It reminds me of how we as parents often put gigantic plates of food in front of two-year-olds and command them to eat every bite. Just looking at the plate causes defiance and meltdown, because the task is overwhelming. My girls saw this assignment as an unconquerable plate.

At first I went down the road of, "Just try to write some sentences." Then I tried, "You know how sometimes I tell you to write sentences? Do that, then put them all together, and you'll have your story." No matter how I sliced it, that "big plate" was still there. One child's eyes began to fill...what to do?

I know that writing teachers would've come up with the answer immediately, but I'm new to older-kid schoolwork. My eureka moment came when my daughter asked, "Mom, can't I just tell my story to you?" I first said no, because I thought, just telling isn't the same as writing. Then I realized, sure it is; stories are "talk written down"! It doesn't matter who is doing the writing portion; it's the creative part that turns into the written part.

In other posts, I mention narration, and how we use it to assess what the girls remember from our reading. They simply tell me, in their own words, all they remember. I've heard more seasoned homeschoolers talk about how this basic narration later morphs into something more sophisticated when I (the teacher) begin to write down my student's narration; later, the student him/herself can begin to take the narration and write it down...and it becomes written...a story!

Whew! I cover our homeschool in much prayer, asking God's discernment and guidance. Times like today remind me that He guides in much more than what  books to use, or how much we should cover. He shows me how to do it, what it looks like when it seems impossible. He knows the answers before I even form the questions. He whispers and reminds, gently leading in ways so as to avoid tears and frustration. I thrive on His guidance and rescuing, because my own devices just don't cut it.

He also shows me that little ones can provide the big answers I'm racking my brain over. Just when I'm tempted to say no, I stop and think, "Wait...that's actually a really good idea!" Kids have an affinity for simplicity that we as adults have lost; they're worth taking seriously, as they think in the childlike way of Christ Himself.  

Best of all, writing in school doesn't have to be scary or dreadful...it can be fun! We don't have to view it as a formidable job looming over our heads, one that will take hours to complete. Just when I was preparing for a struggle, a way out was provided that enabled us to enjoy and learn from the experience. 

Without further ado, it's my privilege to transcribe two stories written by my sweeties, both about a mouse and how a smaller creature saved him. 

"The Mouse and the Bee" by A.H.W.

   Once there was a mouse cooking in his kitchen. A bee flew in while the mouse was making soup. The mouse thought the bee would make delicious soup. The bee cried, "Please spare me, so I can help you one day!" Eventually, the mouse gave in.

   A few days later, a human picked up the mouse by the tail. The bee heard the mouse's squeaks, and he came flying up and stung the human. The human dropped the mouse, and the mouse was free.

THE END

"The Mouse and the Bunny"  by M.M.W.

   Once there was a mouse and his favorite thing to drink was lemonade. He was making some for his dinner one evening, and a bunny hopped in. The mouse caught the bunny in a net, and the bunny said, "Please let me go! I will help you someday."

   A week later, the mouse's foot had a thorn in it. He squeaked, and the bunny heard him. The bunny rushed to him, then he saw the thorn in his foot. He pulled it out.

THE END

Just like fables, my own story has a moral: Don't complicate what can be made simple. Don't rush what needs to grow slowly. I can't imagine how long it would've taken my two kids to first come up with these stories, then sit and try to write the whole things out. There would've been constant erasing, pages being ripped out and thrown, crossing out and starting over...overall, an unpleasant experience. Now we don't have to dread next time; I imagine we will all be enthusiastic about future writing assignments. It's nice that the kids will get to take the reigns when they're ready, growing naturally as writers, learning slowly to enjoy and not despise it. 

Thank You, Lord, for always teaching me.

A Sound Mind

"For God has not given us a spirit of fear, but of power and of love and of a sound mind."
2 Timothy 1:7

Oh, how I have longed for a sound mind.  To not fret, to be still, to escape the worrisome ideas the enemy screams into my head...this became my quest.  Just the other day, the Holy Spirit nudged me to see something in this verse I thought I knew well.  I looked at it again with clarity: 

God has [already]...given...a sound mind.

I do have the soundness of mind I've so desired!  Those of us who believe in Christ as our Savior all possess it, even when we feel like we don't.  When thoughts that we despise creep in, it's not our job to seek a sound mind; we already have it, given to us by God.

As a preacher of truth, Charles Spurgeon experienced the enemy's tormenting mind games.  In his work All of Grace, he states:

"These thoughts, if you hate them, are none of yours, but are injections of the devil for which he is responsible, not you...The poor diseased woman could not come to Jesus for the press, and you are in much the same condition because of the rush and throng of these dreadful thoughts.  Still, she put forth her finger and touched the fringe of the Lord's garment, and she was healed.  Do you the same...He can still those horrible whisperings of the fiend, or He can enable you to see them in their true light so that you may not be worried by them...Only trust Him for this and everything else." (From The Essential Works of Charles Spurgeon, published by Barbour Publishing, Inc.  Used by permission).

It is a tactic of God's enemy to make us believe that we are responsible for abominable thoughts that we detest.  If he can worry us, he can cause all sorts of havoc: drawing us away from Christ because of shame, making us believe we are responsible for thoughts we hate, giving us a disgraceful view of ourselves, causing us to forget who we are in Christ and that His blood has made us whole and clean, and even putting fear in us because of scary topics.

If a visible person were standing beside me making atrocious claims, I would be repulsed, but it would be obvious that someone else said the things, not me.  Why is it hard to accept that Satan sends out his minions to do this?  When we are in Christ, He has already bestowed soundness of mind on us.  He gives the Holy Spirit to be our Counselor, to provide us with discernment.  We need not be worried by the "whisperings of the fiend," or think that we need to control them.  We do as James says and first "submit to God," then "resist the devil and he will flee from you" (James 4:7).

My sins in this department are worrying, fear, and trying to take control.  God didn't give me a spirit of fear; remember 2 Timothy 1:7?  I can't stop someone (even a demon) from attempting to bully me, but I can invoke the name of Christ and resist it.  Thinking that I'm the perpetrator of thoughts I hate is playing into the enemy's lie.  Confessing my worry about it, my fear of it, and my desire to control it enables me to give God back His job as my Rescuer. And I can say right out loud, "God has given me soundness of mind, and you are the Father of Lies.  I choose to walk in the light and truth of Christ." 

Even with soundness of mind I should still seek and ask God for what Paul describes in Philippians 4:8.  He says to meditate, or "think on" what is "true...noble...right...pure...lovely...admirable...excellent...and praiseworthy." We can request that the Holy Spirit to fill our minds with these things because it's what God commands, and we should want to think about such things.  But beware: just because we long for this doesn't mean we are exempt from the enemy's attempts.  In fact, I imagine he will try all the more to throw us off and cause us to believe God must just not be hearing us.  

He is the Father of Lies, remember?  We are mortals on a challenging journey of sanctification.  Go back to what Spurgeon says: if we hate them, the thoughts are not ours.  So, I keep praying Philippians 4:13, thanking God for the sound mind He's already given me, and further asking Him to help my heart fully believe what my head can read in Scripture.  Being "transformed by the renewing of your mind" (Romans 12:2) doesn't mean happy, joyful thoughts all the time.  Spiritual bullies will always seek to steal our joy (John 10:10). I'm seeing that being transformed in my mind means believing I am who Christ says I am, not who the enemy wants me to think I am.  

Jesus lovingly told a woman who was threatened by her accusers, "I am the light of the world.  He who follows Me shall not walk in darkness, but have the light of life" (John 8:12).  He Himself is the light who stamps out darkness; we only have to trust Him, confessing our doubt and fears.  He loves and accepts us as we are, but wants to fight our battles for us. Jesus is the bully silencer, the sound mind-giver.  I am in the process of learning to accept His gift of a sound mind and trust Him as my Rescuer, the Good Shepherd (John 10:11).