Spotless

It was one of those times when little annoyances seem magnified. There was spiritual warfare in the air! I knew it, but all I could do was say, "Help, Lord. Forgive my rotten attitude. Help me to focus and not fall into traps." 

Satan hates all I do that's good for my children. He especially hated that I'd decided to take my younger daughter out for breakfast, just the two of us. Since my girls are close in age and usually together, I've begun finding ways to spend a little individual time with them. Our enemy detests that; he doesn't want to see mother/daughter relationships growing. 

My girl had felt it, too; she even went to bed the night before saying, "I don't really wanna go tomorrow." I knew what that was all about....he can get into all of our heads, and likes to start young. We went anyway, and had a fabulous time. When we got home, more battles ensued.

First, it was sisters fighting over how screen time would be allocated later. Then there was grumbling over math. Then there was my skipping sections of the book because the tension in the air was thick, and my nerves were frying. Then I looked out the window and noticed three (not just one anymore; he went and told all his friends) squirrels wreaking havoc at the bird feeder. Finally, I noticed that the spray bottle I'd grabbed to scare them off had had some type of old, gooey, white paint on it...which was now not only on my hands, but also on my pants, some of my favorite pants. It all added up to a snowball of pesky annoyances, the kind that you know aren't a big deal, but the devil uses the combination to blow a person's top!

I was indignant over the white spot on my blue pants. The more I scrubbed to get it out (in Shakespeare style, "Out, damn spot! OUT, I say!"), the more I realized that it wasn't going to come out. I threw them in the washer and hoped for the best, all the while telling the Lord I wasn't proud over all my frustrations that morning. I couldn't get past the fact that if my girl and I had a delightful time at breakfast, the enemy was going to find some other way to irritate us.

When I took them out, there was a sinking feeling when I looked and saw that the spot indeed hadn't come out. Oh, well, I thought as I hung them on the drying rack. The pants look kind of denim, so at least it'll sort of blend in. What more could I do?

I went back to the laundry room at least an hour later to throw in a load of whites. I glanced at my pants again to see if the stain had become less noticeable. Where was it? Yes, those are the same pants, I thought, and I'm looking right where that stain was...but WHERE is it?! I looked once more. I know that stain was there, I told myself. I saw it and lamented it when I pulled the wet pants out to dry! Then it hit me: God had removed that stain.

"They're spotless!" I told myself. And the Holy Spirit, in His still, quiet way, told me..."Just like you." I was dumbfounded.

Nothing I could do, no amount of fixing or trying, was able to remove that stain. God Himself had to do it. What a beautiful visual of my salvation: nothing in my power was able to take away the stain of my sin, except Christ Himself. I fully believe God gave me this experience as a beautiful reminder. I wasn't looking for it; I simply had gone to Him in repentance over how silly I'd acted about all that insignificant stuff, and how I'd allowed the enemy to get under my skin. In His grace, my sweet Lord loved me back like only He can. I am spotless, just like the pants. It's how He sees me, and I'm overcome.

Hey, Moms of Girls!
I just finished a fantastic must-read for those of us with what they now call "tweens," or girls ages 8 to 12. In her book, Six Ways to Keep the "Little" in Your Girl, purity expert Dannah Gresh advises and encourages moms of girls on how to have those difficult conversations many of us have been afraid of. Through her own experiences, Gresh sheds light on how we can approach hard conversations about the changes our girls will soon go through, and God's perfect design for sex and motherhood. She tackles how to handle them when our girls are still what many of us consider "too young," but warns that waiting until they're teenagers to approach these topics is waiting too late. In our culture, we must equip our daughters with accurate, Biblical information, or someone else will fill their heads with the opposite. 

I don't always enjoy "how-to" books, but this wasn't like that at all. Dannah Gresh has done her homework, and understands how moms, girls, and the world think. Her book reads as one friend talking to another, mom-to-mom. She imparts the wisdom and courage that we moms need to train up our girls in the way they should go. When they are older, they will not depart from it; I trust these words because the Bible tells me so (Proverbs 22:6).

Another resource I'd purchased long ago that I decided to pull out is The Christian Girl's Guide to Change, Inside and Out by Rebecca Park Totilo. This is a simple, fun, interactive book where girls learn about body changes, hormones, and health, and they get to answer questions and read funny scenarios, with Bible verses scattered throughout. My older daughter was enjoying it so much, I decided to get one for her sister, too. Dannah Gresh says that even if girls haven't yet experienced the changes they're learning about, they will be well prepared. I like this book because it's light-hearted and focuses only on body changes, not sex or reproduction. It's one that my girls can enjoy on their own, knowing I won't read the things they write. 

Finally, I wondered...what to do about the "biggies" I mentioned being excluded in the fun book? What's just enough to tell them, and what can wait? I found How You Are Changing for girls ages 9-11, and we're going a chapter at a time. It's a good idea to peruse the reading before you read it aloud to your child(ren). One dilemma I had was the feeling that my older girl was ready for some information that I might want to wait on for the younger. I struggled a bit on how to handle this, because remember, they do a lot together. I prayed for wisdom, and the answer was simple: skip the "heavy" parts when reading to both girls, and take time alone with my older girl to go back and read those parts just to her. 

No one ever said we can't omit, or "read over," parts our kids can't handle at the moment. It's like with a movie; we can fast-forward through an inappropriate scene in an otherwise worthwhile film. We have the autonomy to gauge our kids' readiness. (Side note: this reminds me of the time I was reading to them from Lang's Blue Fairy Book, written in the late 1800's. Thankfully, I caught the word "hussy" and changed it to something else before it slipped out! I haven't always been so fortunate, but they're guaranteed learning experiences).

Pure, spotless...it's how He sees us, and how He wants us to live. May we trust Him to grow us in it, always.

A Vile Attack Against My Motherhood

My motherhood and relationship with my children has been under attack since I was a child myself.  If a little girl can be made to feel useless and dirty, then she has the potential to grow into a mother who is easy prey for the enemy's lies. She fears at every turn that her toxicity has seeped into the hearts and minds of her little ones. 

There is a "protector" piece of my heart that usurped God's role as Protector long ago; one who, out of good intentions, felt it was her job to rescue little, helpless me.  My head is understanding that Christ wants to tenderly take my self-created protector and gently sit her down so He can take over what belonged to Him in the first place.  My heart is taking its time getting there, but God knows how to heal my wounds His own way.  David says in Psalm 27, "Wait on the Lord; be of good courage, and He will strengthen your heart; wait, I say, on the Lord." (27:14, my italics).  I also see a perfect picture of God's protection in Psalm 23.  Sometimes it takes a while for my heart to catch up to what my head "knows," but I rest in the fact that God's Word says it, even if I have trouble getting it.  My heart isn't beyond His reach.

There is a balance between awareness of the enemy's schemes to derail us, and being obsessed with how he works.  Christ Himself was looked upon as a target and had apt words for Satan, yet He never feared or went looking for him.  In the preface to The Screwtape Letters, C.S. Lewis notes,

"There are two equal and opposite errors into which our race can fall about the devils.  One is to disbelieve in their existence.  The other is to believe, and to feel an excessive and unhealthy interest in them.  They themselves are equally pleased by both errors and hail a materialist or a magician with the same delight." (Lewis, 1942)

My position is that although most Christ-followers acknowledge the presence of evil, many fail to see the slow, deliberate damage done through the wiles of the enemy and his minions.  We fret and fear, wallowing in guilt and self-condemnation because of the lies he shrewdly weaves into our daily lives.  It is time to expose the darkness and live in the freedom that Christ has given us.  Note that this is not said motivational speaker-style, fist in the air, expecting applause and "Amen!"s.  These are the trenches of the narrow road, calling only those courageous enough to be "refined...but not as silver...tested...in the furnace of affliction" (Isaiah 48:10).  This is walking "through the valley of the shadow of death"-type stuff (Psalm 23:4).  Paul describes it in 2 Corinthians 12:7 as "a thorn in the flesh...a messenger of Satan to buffet me," and begged the Lord "three times" to take it away.  This, brother or sister in Christ, is what we have signed up for.

Because my eyes have been opened to the schemes of the fiend, his maneuvers to scare me and get me to believe lies have kicked up to the varsity level.  I will not relent in making the darkness manifest.  We need to stand up to him, to beat him at his own game.  Charles Spurgeon, the "prince of preachers," wrote in his work, All of Grace,

"'Oh,' said the devil to Martin Luther, 'you are a sinner.'

'Yes,' said he, 'Christ died to save sinners.'  Thus he smote him with his own sword." (From The Essential Works of Charles Spurgeon, published by Barbour Publishing, Inc. Used by permission).

How do we know when the enemy is at work?  Well, we can be sure he is striving at all times to deflate our trust in Christ.  As I said at the beginning of this post, he has ruthlessly attacked the tender areas of my femininity and especially my motherhood.  He seeks not only to cause my failure as a mother, but to make me question God's sovereignty and protection in these areas.

My girls and I have taken an interest in the Titanic.  After reading several books and listening to a fascinating CD, I decided they would enjoy the James Cameron movie from 1997.  Having viewed this picture several times, I was well aware of the inappropriate love scene between Jack and Rose, as well as the scene during which he sketches her nude body.  I felt comfortable enough with navigating us through the unnecessary storylines that Hollywood invariably weaves into otherwise decent plots, and remembered there was a lot of foul language to be muted in the underwater present-day scene.

However, in spite of my efforts to be "protector," forgotten problems slipped in.  When the nude sketch of Rose is discovered in the beginning of the movie, it is placed in water and shown.  Somehow I had not recalled this, and maybe thought it was only her face that we would see this early in the movie.  At any rate, as the camera panned farther down the drawing of Rose's naked, provocative body, I couldn't fumble fast enough to forward us through the scene.  Thinking that would be my only blunder, we watched on...until the scene happened where Jack takes out his sketch book and Rose flips through the pages.  I only remembered seeing a woman dressed in an old coat and wearing pearls; imagine my horror when Rose flipped to a page revealing nude women!  Strike two, and it was too late to take it back.  

What I had intended to use as an illustration of our favorite historical topic ended up providing a different kind of education to my young girls.  And make no mistake, the enemy had a field day.  "What kind of mother exposes her children to this?" I asked myself.  No...the enemy said it, and I believed it.  "They were innocent until I allowed them to watch that." And the implication is that I set out to pollute their minds...because I'm toxic, remember?

Now, I know that we cannot shelter our children from all the horrible things on television and out in public.  But I was having a terrible time not believing the lies that "I've seen this movie countless times.  How could I not know that part was coming up?  They'll see these images forever.  They're scarred for life.  Their thinking will be warped.  I'm exposing my children to porn.  I could've stopped it if I had moved faster.  Other mothers may mess up, but never like this." Even when I felt the Holy Spirit tell me to "fear not," and the Lord said to me in a dream that He remembers my iniquities no more, and my girls will remember this no more, still I couldn't allow myself complete peace.  Why?

Again, the enemy has woven his sick web of dirtiness around me for a long time.  One day when this was particularly eating away at me, I asked God for help in allowing me to see the deeper issue.  I saw little girl-me having access to dirty magazines, and wondering why pretty ladies like those were posing for cameras without their clothes on.  Little girl was confused as to why men would want to look at that, and oh no!  I just saw it, so I must be unclean.  The memory of it was painful and when counselor-friend asked me to "feel" it again, I wasn't sure I could go there.  

See, the enemy was there long ago, making a little girl feel vile and confused, preparing her to be a mother and experience those feelings double by convincing her that now, her children would also feel gross and by the way...it's because of her.  He will pull the vilest plans out of the gutter and relish in using them not only against us, but also against our children.  And while another mother might have had the same situation happen to her, if she has a healthy history and doesn't fear contaminating her children, she might just say, "Oops!" and move on.

God can redeem anything.  Remember Romans 8:28?  It's not just for coffee cups.  "All things working for good" isn't always rosy and pretty.  He takes the ugly and exposes it.  He is bringing my fears and the lies I've believed to the surface and lovingly having me face them in order to make my heart whole.  We can't just panic in the face of the enemy's web; we have to do as Martin Luther did, and smite him with his own sword.

Back to the nude scenes.  It might not have been the day I would've chosen, but God allowed me to have some sensitive talks with my girls.  I explained that God designed their bodies beautifully.  It's okay for me to help them when they need it, and for the doctor to examine them, but other than that, those bodies are being saved for their wedding nights one day in the future.  That wedding night will be special, and their husbands will be chosen especially for them by God.  Sadly, there are women who will believe that it's okay to take off their clothes for any man, and they will do things like be drawn or photographed.  I asked them, is it ever okay to allow anyone other than the ones we've mentioned to see you naked?  After their resounding "No!", I reminded them that I was sorry they had to see those scenes, and they can always ask me about anything.

Since that day, not only does the enemy continue to attempt to throw guilty feelings at me, he tries to make me fear the contamination of my girls' purity.  He puts scary images in my mind of things that sick people could do to them, and seeks to make me afraid to help them with normal, everyday things like drying off after a shower.  If he can make a mother back off in areas important to her children's upbringing, sacred areas like a girl's view of her body, then he could make my girls wonder, "What's wrong with me that causes my mom to back off?  I must be bad in some way." Again, we're not talking about fluffy "I'm in a valley"-type Christianity here.  This is war.

Sharing this with whoever wants to read it is nothing I take lightly.  I feel like I'm the one who's naked, bearing myself and my soul before everyone.  It's too important to not do it, though.  My head knows that I'm not crazy, that I'm not toxic to my kids or anyone else, and that I don't think the horrible thoughts the Father of Lies puts before me.  

As I said, God is getting me to a place where my heart will believe it, too.  It requires a little girl learning all over again that she is beautiful in His eyes because He made her that way.  It means that she will have to run the race with perseverance, and spit in the face of the serpent who seeks to keep her where she's been for so long.  It means trust, something she never learned to do.  It means hanging on to Jesus's every word of, "The thief does not come except to steal, and to kill, and to destroy.  I have come that they may have life, and that they may have it to the full" (John 10:11).  It means allowing Him to love me through this, and move my heart toward knowing Him as Protector through the harrowing experience I know as sanctification.