Why I Don't Need to "Forgive Myself"

Do you find yourself doing as a friend once put it, "Taking old skeletons out of the closet and dancing with them," even after you've asked for forgiveness over and over? I sure do. Why are we in this rut of hanging onto sin and regret, even once we've taken it to God, and even repented? Why can't we let it go?

I've meditated, studied, and talked to God for a long time about this topic. "Lord," I say, help me to believe Psalm 103 with my heart, not just my head. Take the piece of my heart that still has trouble really believing that I'm forgiven." When I take the same sins over and over to the Lord, I know He doesn't remember them. The question is, Why do I harp over them so much?

Tim Keller has a sermon from 1991 in which he addresses this topic, quoting R.C. Sproul, who says that if we suffer from it, it's because "....you're going about your salvation the Smith Barney way; you want to earn it." My biggest issue here, Sproul says, is my pride. He states that it's like saying, "I've got this myself, and I don't need Christ's bleeding charity." Major ouch.

So, now add pride to the list, on top of the heart problem of not being able to "forgive myself." And that's where John Piper comes in. He has much to say on this subject, especially in his short discussion, "Should We Learn to Forgive Ourselves?"  The real issue is, I don't need to learn to "forgive myself" at all, but to receive Christ's redemption on the cross.

A big struggle for me is, ok, I've gotten "forgiveness," but what about the possible ramifications of certain mistakes I've made? The Lord is working on me big-time to see that He handles all of this too. In fact, I had a nudge just today that I can be free to not remember these things at all, because they're not there...the same way that God sees (or, actually, doesn't see!) them now! If I'm going to quote 1 John 1:9 to my children, I'd better ask the Lord to let me believe it deep down myself: "If we confess our sins, He is faithful and just to forgive us our sins, and cleanse us from all unrighteousness." And while I'm at it, what about the aforementioned Psalm 103? "Who forgives us from all our iniquities...As far as the east is from the west, so far has He removed our transgressions from us." (verses 3 and 12, my emphasis).

But back to Piper...Here is the gist of his talk:

"Forgiveness is a wronged person forgiving a wronging person, not a wronging person forgiving a wronging person."

"If Jack insults me, and I forgive Jack, why would Jack forgive Jack, when he didn't insult Jack?"

"The Corinthians felt a godly grief (remorse, sorrow); they wronged, and asked forgiveness."

"When people speak of the need to 'forgive themselves,' they mean the need to move through worldly grief over sin to godly grief over sin, and beyond, into life-giving freedom. The difference is moving out of death-giving condemnation to life-giving acceptance of God's no-condemnation."

"The Biblical way out of this self-condemnation is to humble ourselves and admit that we have no right to take the role of judge and pronounce the death sentence on ourselves. That's pride, to think that we can hear God's verdict of 'not guilty,' or our friend's verdict, 'I forgive you,' and we refuse it and set ourselves up as the new judge, and pronounce a death sentence over ourselves. The Biblical problem with that is...an arrogant failure to trust in the free verdict of God: 'No condemnation!'"

"Let's humble ourselves and step down off the judge's seat, and let God be God in His pronouncement of 'No condemnation.'"

This morning I was praying about this very thing as I found myself falling into the trap of feeling like I had to do penance for stuff that Christ's blood has forgiven....and on Good Friday, of all days! I imagined a young me, crouched at His grimy, bloody feet, and I told Him I wanted to feel His rough feet, and even the hard nail driven through them. 

I was really struggling, when the Holy Spirit provided me a simple illustration, one that took me by surprise. Meet my high school principal, Mr. Clarke, "honcho" of the whole place...ahem...twenty-something years ago: 

Suppose, as a high-schooler,  I approach Mr. Clarke with a request: something I desperately want, yet don't deserve (let's say, being excused from class). The principal has the authority to make the call--I don't--and he actually says yes! However, I continue to convince myself that his "okay" isn't good enough. I feel the need to "really earn" his approval, and do something to work toward the "yes," even though he's already given it. Mr. Clarke made the decision as the one who has the authority, and he won't hold over my head that he has given me the okay without my earning it. In fact, it's actually his pleasure to grant my request, and it's my job to receive it freely as a gift, with no guilt. (Note: I cannot compare God to anyone or anything, and I'm not daring to say that my principal or any human is equal to Him. This is simply an illustration I feel was provided to help me see more clearly). 

Back to the present, I feel like my "badness" prevents forgiveness, as if it depended on my actions...in other words, my "performance." As someone I look up to says, if certain things I've done can't be redeemed, God "doesn't get to be God." It's not up to me to be in charge of my own forgiveness! "While we were yet sinners, Christ died for us" (Romans 5:8, again my emphasis). Christ has the authority to forgive and redeem me and my situations. As with the Mr. Clarke illustration, it's not my call to make. The authority rests on the One and only Savior who calls all the shots. I go to Him in humble submission, trusting Him to be God, because I don't hold that title.

On Good Friday, I choose to remember Him on the tree, bruised, rejected, spit on, mocked, humiliated, because He had the authority to lay down His life. He did it for me and all my junk, so I can be free to stop dancing with those skeletons. Amen!

Thanks to Abby at Little Birdie Blessings for this beautiful graphic!

Inside-Out

I had a discussion recently with someone about "inside-out" change. When we want to change a behavior, we tend to attempt "outside-in" fixes, which end up being band-aids that don't address the root of things. Years and years pass, and all we have to show for our best "outside-in" efforts is wasted time, frustration, exhaustion, and wounds that are still gaping. 

This "inside-out" change has been the topic of many more discussions since the first. The Lord gave me a clear word three years ago: "Be renewed in the spirit of your mind" (Ephesians 4:23). This "renewal," I've learned, has to be "inside-out," because no "outside-in" solutions work. It's what only the Holy Spirit can do, without my continued interference. I've also learned that this requires me to confess my tendency to "perform," rather than to be still and obey.

We live in a shallow culture, and in many ways, the American church culture looks no different than the world. I'm convinced that "inside-out" transformation is difficult because of our desire for quick fixes, as well as our inability to be vulnerable with others. Part of "inside-out" change requires discovering who we really are, which means taking off well-built masks we wear to cover up the "real us" from the world. God always knows the real identity behind those masks, and they're worth getting to know because they're who He created us to be. The process is an arduous one. 

Even with a week of stress from several directions, I have been mindful of this "good fight of the faith" (1 Timothy 6:12). John Piper says, "Make war!" Nehemiah says, "Remember the Lord, who is great and awesome, and fight for your families, your sons and your daughters, your wives and your homes" (4:14). As I felt the fog and fuzzy focus of stress, I recalled Psalm 18:29 and 34: "By my God I can leap over a wall...He teaches my hands to make war."  

A member of my own "Cloud of Witnesses," Barbara Johnson, loved celebrating the first of every month. She would put clean sheets on the beds, or buy a nice bunch of fresh asparagus to cook. I'm remembering her today as I take time this afternoon to do things I enjoy: catching up on this blog, sitting with hot coffee, and reading as the rain falls outside and my girls play within. Here is some wisdom from Barbara: 

(From Mama, Get the Hammer...There's a Fly on Papa's Head!)

Eugene Peterson has a description for Barbara's "no microwave maturity;" he calls it "a long obedience in the same direction." May we never give up fighting in God's strength, for His glory. 

Odds & Ends...

Sweet Eliza presented me with a book that she found at an antique store, that she said was "me." What a joy to know what's really "me," and to have others know it, too. 

This well-loved volume is a collection of sweet illustrations with Bible verses.

 This little fella reminds me of my husband as a boy!

I like the verse that goes with him, too.

This is a list of ladies who presented the book to "Sandra," its original owner. Look at those names! Clara, Thelma, Ione, Bernice, Velma...even Edelweiss!

I love this vintage drawing of different children making a joyful noise!

Speaking of books (one of my favorite topics)... 

Remember Journey Cake Ho!? As most of the "old" books have been chucked from the library and replaced by twaddle, I was surprised to find it there. I have wonderful memories of this being at my elementary school library, and the cover was the same, but green. I read it to my kids one evening and didn't find the story as compelling as the charming illustrations (done by the beloved Robert McCloskey). However, we were tickled by the "journey" cake's "singing;" this, added to the well-remembered images of the cake bouncing downhill, endeared me anew to this book. 

And speaking of cakes...the girls made and decorated these all by themselves: 

They enjoy taking holiday treats to tennis clinics; the kids and coaches enjoy a reward after hard practice!

Something else my girls made: 

We have many more "handicraft" opportunities today than in Charlotte Mason's day! Not only do they spend time and imagination on Legos, there's also slime-making, wooden peg people to paint, and cereal boxes they turn into other crafts!

One more thing, something funny from school this morning: I spotted this drawing of two funny characters in Holling's Minn of the Mississippi... 

...and instantly recalled a photo of two other funny characters, my 3rd great-grandparents, Major Sebastian Wygal, and Rachel Hoge Wilson Wygal: 

The resemblance between them and Holling's drawing is uncanny, although I can't prove that he used these two as models! What do you think? 

Until next time!

Picture Book Ministry

When I was eaten up with regret yesterday morning remembering an ungodly way in which I had behaved, I was surprised to have a familiar verse brought to mind: "My grace is sufficient for you, for My strength is made perfect in weakness." (2 Corinthians 12:9). A new thing to consider is that even in past mistakes, things we want to change but can't, Christ indeed can bring redemption. His grace and strength are the answer in our issues, present, future, as well as past.

The Holy Spirit enabled me to see the connection between this verse and another, one that I mull over when faced with reminders of other incidents I wish I could change. That verse is also in 2 Corinthians, 8:12: "If there is a willing mind, it is accepted according to what one has, and not according to what he does not have."

My eyes and heart are opened to a direct link! What Paul expresses in one verse, he says with different words in another: When we are helpless, Christ is able. This refers to every moment of every day, past, present, and future, by the way! May we be still enough to hear His quiet, powerful instruction. 

Speaking of powerful instruction....

A wonderful memory I have is that of my dad reading to me as a little girl. I loved the voices he'd use for the characters in picture books. A collection of my books were destroyed by a water leak. I recalled a Babar one that had been a favorite, although I could never remember the title.

A month ago, coming back from a Pens hockey game in Raleigh, we stopped by a massive antiques store in Burlington. Guess what I found...(and in an antiques store!!!!)? 

Immediately I recognized it! I had to have it! And would you believe there were actually two copies in this store?! I took pictures and sent them to my dad, asking if he remembered. Of course he did! I can still hear him changing his voice to fit the characters. Guess who else does that when she reads to her children? 

Woe to the individual past age 8 who discards his or her picture books! May we never, ever grow weary of the richness of these treasures. All too soon, it seems that educators (traditional and home alike) rush to put away the "little kid" books and usher kids into something that seems more "grown-up." Christ Himself states that we are not truly portraying His kingdom unless we demonstrate the innocence of children (Matthew 18:3). 

To quote Charlotte Mason, "...the answer cannot be given in the form of 'Do' this and that, but rather as an invitation to 'Consider' this and that: action follows when we have thought duly. The life of the mind is sustained upon ideas; there is no intellectual vitality in the mind to which ideas are not presented several times...every day." (A Philosophy of Education). So, does that mean that children's books are full of "ideas" and things to "consider"? YES!!!!

How can they not be, if the Creator of the universe tells us to humble ourselves like children, because His kingdom belongs to "such as these"? We sell children short. Mason has much more to say on the subject: 

"But the children ask for bread and we give them a stone...Our business is to give them mind-stuff...for the best thought the world possesses is stored in books; we must open books to children...every modern educational movement tends to belittle them intellectually."

"So," you say, "my kids are eight and nine; shouldn't we be focusing more on chapter books than the skinny ones with pictures?" NO!!!!! Rather, focus on every bit of it! Take your bag to the library and fill it up! Never, never, never fall into the trap of being too "old" for a picture book! All of America needs more doses of good, rich children's literature!

In fact, a few weeks ago, I checked a picture book out specifically for myself, for the "little girl" who so loves to be read to. She still deserves a "mind sustained upon ideas," and "open books" that provide "mind-stuff." That mind-stuff can come out of anything from Charles Spurgeon to Marc Brown's Arthur! Sometimes I check out picture books just for myself!

The other day, one of my children was late getting down to breakfast. I decided to pull out a library book and read aloud while we lingered at the table. The next thing I knew, it was over an hour later, and we'd gone through all the books in the bag! It's a ritual I hope to repeat often.

Here are some that we enjoyed that day:

Earl is a lovable squirrel who can't figure out how to get his own acorns. He cleverly surprises his mother and readers with his smarts, and delights with his innocent charm!



Remember the poem "Casey at the Bat," which you probably read at some point in high school? Endear yourself to it anew with Patricia Polacco's version! This is a wonderful way to introduce a classic to kids.

It hasn't taken much to make me a Polacco fan! Thunder Cake is the creative tale of a girl whose grandmother uses her resources to end the child's fear of thunderstorms. As in Casey, Polacco's illustrations mesmerize.




And who can resist the animals of Jan Brett? She puts great love into her work. The Turnip is the funny story of some animals who aren't sure how their turnip is going to come out of the ground...until they receive unexpected help from some other animal friends!  




Finally, do you remember Mike Mulligan? I had always heard of it, but had never actually read this classic. Boy, had I been missing out! I felt like a kid who, upon the story's ending, wanted to say, "Read it again!" Yeah, that's what picture books do, even to adults.




One adult in my life has alluded to me several times about not being read to as a child, not once. Not once. God has wisdom in this, as in everything else: "So I will restore to you the years that the swarming locust has eaten...You shall eat in plenty and be satisfied" (Joel 2:25-26). Well, the way the Lord spoke to me about helping this individual get back those years is to sit down and read him a picture book! I'm learning to be obedient to God's direction, even if it seems downright crazy. His ways aren't mine, after all. 

Anyway, as I mulled over this idea for a few days and had pushed it aside, I came across the perfect book: 

That little child was finally read to! I don't know who enjoyed it more; the "kid" (who is actually an adult), or me! How wonderful to be used by God for His redemptive plan. Never underestimate the power of a book, or anything else, to be used by God to bring joy, healing, and restoration in any situation. I wonder how many more adults out there yearn to be read a good children's book, to be shown that they matter? How many children want to throw standardized testing and "Common Core" out the window and just hear a solid story with "voices," not to spit out the information, but just because? Do it...for yourself, and your children! 

Another bit of "literature"...
I have a copy of the Spartanburg (SC) High School student handbook from when my mom was in school. Believe it or not, this comes from a version revised in 1962: 

We have swung too far in a mere fifty-six years. I'm grateful for the freedom to model my own school after a code more like this than after those that have kicked God out. His way will never go out of style.

Finally....

I had a dream about my grandfather, "PeepEye," last night. I don't recall details, but what was important was his presence, and his gladness to see me. There was joy in the fact that we were going to spend time together. I'm glad that twenty-five years after his death, I'm still allowed vivid glimpses of him. The Lord is gracious to me in many, many examples such as this. 

Don't be afraid to "feel," even with tenderhearted tears and lament. Our enemy hates for God's people to feel love, empathy, and beauty. He is out to crush it. I strongly encourage crushed adults to get back what has been stolen, to take back those years the locusts have eaten. Fight! (1 Timothy 6:12).

Forgiveness & Evangelism

These are two of many areas that stretch my faith greatly: forgiveness and evangelism. Forgiveness, meaning my understanding that through Christ, I'm forgiven; evangelism, as in how wimpy I can be when I don't allow God's help in telling others about Him.

I've come to depend on Psalm 103. The area around it in my Bible is crinkled with tear stains. I feel like I'm often on these pages because of my desperate plea to God to help me understand that I'm forgiven. Verse 3 clearly states that the Lord "...forgives all your iniquities," yet my heart doesn't truly believe this applies to me. When I admit it out loud, it sounds ridiculous: Christ's blood is able to cover all the sins of the world...except for mine. Not only is it a preposterous lie, it's prideful. I'm not above the God of the universe's healing.

Satan knows that I buy into taunts of my being unforgivable, that I brood over and revisit past transgressions time and again. The Holy Spirit is working on my heart greatly in this area. I hear the enemy voice jeering, "How could you? What kind of mother/wife/friend/Christian are you?" and I choose to fall into his trap rather than believing God. Why is it so hard?? Because strongholds can be grueling and time consuming to break, and because we don't always trust that God is for our good in the trial. I continue to go before the Lord and ask Him to "unite my heart to fear His name" (Psalm 86:11), and to keep me from being the one in James 1:8, a "double-minded man, unstable in all his ways."

John Piper says that we usually make a mistake in thinking we need to "forgive ourselves." Most of the time, it's another person against whom we've sinned, and that is the one from whom we must ask forgiveness. Once we go before that person, and also confess our transgression to God in repentance, that's it! I have a hard time "letting myself off the hook," though...as if I were on my own hook, anyway. Aren't I on God's? And if that's true, doesn't He get to be judge? Isn't He already the judge of the universe? 

I told a wise friend about a mistake I made, one that I keep coming back to in my mind. I told him I wished I could allow myself to be human and make mistakes. He answered that I had usurped God's role as judge, marking myself because of one mistake. If mine are the only mistakes God can't fix, my friend says, "then He doesn't get to be God." 

Yesterday I told my girls a piece of information I later wished I'd kept to myself. I went to them and confessed that I was wrong to say what I did, that it was gossip. I reminded them that we never arrive at a moment when we're not growing and asking for forgiveness, and I asked for theirs in not setting a good example. Immediately they started patting my head and face, cut off my speech, and both said, "It's ok, Mom! We love you!" I knew in this moment that this is how our Father responds when we go to Him with our sin. He doesn't say, "Hmmm...let me think about it, and I might forgive you," or, "I can't forgive you yet, but maybe when you reform a little more." No! He's quick to love us, to say that "As far as the east is from the west, so far has He removed our transgressions from us" (Psalm 103:12). "As a father pities his children, so the Lord pities those who fear Him" (103:13). 

Evangelism is another area where the Lord is nudging me to grow. I live in a country where I can worship and proclaim Christ freely, yet I often shrink in terror when I feel a prod to say something about Him. It seems absurd that people in the Middle East are jailed and beheaded for being Christians, while I sit here, afraid to broach the subject with people of peace! 

My husband and I have a custom: when we dine out, we always ask our waiter/waitress if we can pray for him/her when we ask our blessing. Most of the time this is received well, and people will share their stories with us. Last week, my husband felt such a burden for our waitress that he gave her his card and asked her to get in touch with us if she needed anything. Her sad eyes stayed in our hearts long after that meal. Pray for Kaylee, please.

Sometimes our asking is answered with, "No, I'm fine," and one waitress even once said, "Pray for those who need it." That was an interesting response, especially since our pastor was at the table with us! Those are the folks who need it the most. Never have we had a contentious response in the years we've been doing this.

Asking a waiter has become easier over the years, although I confess that sometimes I still feel strange doing it. Why should it take such courage to initiate a spiritual conversation? Am I afraid the waiter will spit in our food, or worse...think we're weird?? Maybe we should aspire to be "weird" by the world's standards. Allowing this to come naturally takes time, like I mentioned before. Gaining boldness in any area is "deliciously harrowing."

With a waiter, it's one thing; that person's job is to serve, and they are trying to make money...I chuckle thinking he/she is a captive audience. However, here's another scenario: I'm having a conversation with someone (the parent of my kid's friend, a tennis coach, a relative, a lifeguard at the pool, maybe even one of my kids' friends)...anyone who forms a part of my routine life. I get the "nudge" to speak about God...NOW??!! HOW??!! "Do I have to?!"

As I type this, I'm brokenhearted that these would be my reactions. Lord, move me from NOW?? to NOW!!!!! Help me in those moments to call on You for the "how." Let the question not be, "Do I have to?" but rather, "How can I not?" 

I will insert at this point that, speaking before of the devil, he likes to make me feel absolutely rotten when I miss an opportunity. He calls me a coward, tells me I must not love the Lord, asks me what kind of Christian I am, and blah, blah, blah. Condemnation does not come from the Holy Spirit (Romans 8:1), but what He does give us is the conviction that we missed an opportunity because we weren't relying on Him for help. Any dark thoughts about it are from the enemy; we can go to the Lord and say, "Lord, I knew I should've said something, but I froze. Forgive me for not calling on you for the words. Please give me another opportunity to tell someone about You, and make me bold for it." I prayed this several times when we started our "waitstaff ministry," when I knew I should ask but didn't. 

Today a little fella sat beside me and told me he was seven-years-old, and that he was going to Boston soon "on business." It seems the trip is so that his four-year-old brother can receive one of his mother's kidneys. I wanted badly to tell this chatty guy that Jesus cares about his brother, but all I said was that I would be praying for everything to go well. I felt silly thinking that I was scared to talk about my faith to a school-kid! Those are the ones who best understand the kingdom of God! I pray I will be ready for the next opportunity, and I'd love another chance to talk to this boy! God is weaving forgiveness and evangelism together to help me grow in the truth that mistakes on my part, if I confess and turn, don't put the "HOPELESS" or "DOOMED" stamp on me. Satan wants me to believe that I'm too despicable to even pray to God about it; after all, why would He want to hear me when I cowered over bringing up His name? 

When a lie like that comes up, the best thing to do is defy it, and pray!
Lord, thank You that all of life is repentance. As long as there's life, there's hope. I rebuke the enemy's attempts at condemnation, and praise You for loving me always. Your Son gave His life for my shortcomings, and as a sinner, I need You desperately every minute. Give me the courage to share this Good News with others. Forgive and change my unbelief, and continue to grow me in your truth. 

I have typed my prayers in green, which reminds me of new life, of fresh growth. Here is another one, straight from King David. May we not be afraid to pray this, and to ask God for courage as He answers:
"Search me, O God, and know my heart;
Try me, and know my anxieties;
And see if there is any wicked way in me,
And lead me in the way everlasting." Psalm 139:23-24

Spotless

It was one of those times when little annoyances seem magnified. There was spiritual warfare in the air! I knew it, but all I could do was say, "Help, Lord. Forgive my rotten attitude. Help me to focus and not fall into traps." 

Satan hates all I do that's good for my children. He especially hated that I'd decided to take my younger daughter out for breakfast, just the two of us. Since my girls are close in age and usually together, I've begun finding ways to spend a little individual time with them. Our enemy detests that; he doesn't want to see mother/daughter relationships growing. 

My girl had felt it, too; she even went to bed the night before saying, "I don't really wanna go tomorrow." I knew what that was all about....he can get into all of our heads, and likes to start young. We went anyway, and had a fabulous time. When we got home, more battles ensued.

First, it was sisters fighting over how screen time would be allocated later. Then there was grumbling over math. Then there was my skipping sections of the book because the tension in the air was thick, and my nerves were frying. Then I looked out the window and noticed three (not just one anymore; he went and told all his friends) squirrels wreaking havoc at the bird feeder. Finally, I noticed that the spray bottle I'd grabbed to scare them off had had some type of old, gooey, white paint on it...which was now not only on my hands, but also on my pants, some of my favorite pants. It all added up to a snowball of pesky annoyances, the kind that you know aren't a big deal, but the devil uses the combination to blow a person's top!

I was indignant over the white spot on my blue pants. The more I scrubbed to get it out (in Shakespeare style, "Out, damn spot! OUT, I say!"), the more I realized that it wasn't going to come out. I threw them in the washer and hoped for the best, all the while telling the Lord I wasn't proud over all my frustrations that morning. I couldn't get past the fact that if my girl and I had a delightful time at breakfast, the enemy was going to find some other way to irritate us.

When I took them out, there was a sinking feeling when I looked and saw that the spot indeed hadn't come out. Oh, well, I thought as I hung them on the drying rack. The pants look kind of denim, so at least it'll sort of blend in. What more could I do?

I went back to the laundry room at least an hour later to throw in a load of whites. I glanced at my pants again to see if the stain had become less noticeable. Where was it? Yes, those are the same pants, I thought, and I'm looking right where that stain was...but WHERE is it?! I looked once more. I know that stain was there, I told myself. I saw it and lamented it when I pulled the wet pants out to dry! Then it hit me: God had removed that stain.

"They're spotless!" I told myself. And the Holy Spirit, in His still, quiet way, told me..."Just like you." I was dumbfounded.

Nothing I could do, no amount of fixing or trying, was able to remove that stain. God Himself had to do it. What a beautiful visual of my salvation: nothing in my power was able to take away the stain of my sin, except Christ Himself. I fully believe God gave me this experience as a beautiful reminder. I wasn't looking for it; I simply had gone to Him in repentance over how silly I'd acted about all that insignificant stuff, and how I'd allowed the enemy to get under my skin. In His grace, my sweet Lord loved me back like only He can. I am spotless, just like the pants. It's how He sees me, and I'm overcome.

Hey, Moms of Girls!
I just finished a fantastic must-read for those of us with what they now call "tweens," or girls ages 8 to 12. In her book, Six Ways to Keep the "Little" in Your Girl, purity expert Dannah Gresh advises and encourages moms of girls on how to have those difficult conversations many of us have been afraid of. Through her own experiences, Gresh sheds light on how we can approach hard conversations about the changes our girls will soon go through, and God's perfect design for sex and motherhood. She tackles how to handle them when our girls are still what many of us consider "too young," but warns that waiting until they're teenagers to approach these topics is waiting too late. In our culture, we must equip our daughters with accurate, Biblical information, or someone else will fill their heads with the opposite. 

I don't always enjoy "how-to" books, but this wasn't like that at all. Dannah Gresh has done her homework, and understands how moms, girls, and the world think. Her book reads as one friend talking to another, mom-to-mom. She imparts the wisdom and courage that we moms need to train up our girls in the way they should go. When they are older, they will not depart from it; I trust these words because the Bible tells me so (Proverbs 22:6).

Another resource I'd purchased long ago that I decided to pull out is The Christian Girl's Guide to Change, Inside and Out by Rebecca Park Totilo. This is a simple, fun, interactive book where girls learn about body changes, hormones, and health, and they get to answer questions and read funny scenarios, with Bible verses scattered throughout. My older daughter was enjoying it so much, I decided to get one for her sister, too. Dannah Gresh says that even if girls haven't yet experienced the changes they're learning about, they will be well prepared. I like this book because it's light-hearted and focuses only on body changes, not sex or reproduction. It's one that my girls can enjoy on their own, knowing I won't read the things they write. 

Finally, I wondered...what to do about the "biggies" I mentioned being excluded in the fun book? What's just enough to tell them, and what can wait? I found How You Are Changing for girls ages 9-11, and we're going a chapter at a time. It's a good idea to peruse the reading before you read it aloud to your child(ren). One dilemma I had was the feeling that my older girl was ready for some information that I might want to wait on for the younger. I struggled a bit on how to handle this, because remember, they do a lot together. I prayed for wisdom, and the answer was simple: skip the "heavy" parts when reading to both girls, and take time alone with my older girl to go back and read those parts just to her. 

No one ever said we can't omit, or "read over," parts our kids can't handle at the moment. It's like with a movie; we can fast-forward through an inappropriate scene in an otherwise worthwhile film. We have the autonomy to gauge our kids' readiness. (Side note: this reminds me of the time I was reading to them from Lang's Blue Fairy Book, written in the late 1800's. Thankfully, I caught the word "hussy" and changed it to something else before it slipped out! I haven't always been so fortunate, but they're guaranteed learning experiences).

Pure, spotless...it's how He sees us, and how He wants us to live. May we trust Him to grow us in it, always.

A Test

It's the time of our homeschool year that tests me the most: time for standardized testing. I've had it on my mind here and there since January, but have wrestled hard with it today. I write about it on here to clear my mind, but also to share my own struggles with the requirement. Others may not share my opinion. In fact, the more I open up about my frustration to others, the more I feel on an island. 

I barely remember testing as a kid, because those were the days when the teacher's year didn't have to be spent preparing students for tests. I don't recall being stressed out at all about the one test I think we took all year. It happened, we did our best, and that was that. 

In my state of North Carolina, the requirements for homeschoolers are to test children with a standardized test every school year once they turn seven. Most people think nothing of it. Neither did I, until I first had my child tested. She did fine...great, actually. I had felt fabulous about all we had accomplished, until the test administrator started pushing on me all the things we needed to do more of, how even though she scored well in certain areas, "you might want to try this...," or "Perhaps you might want to do even more of this..." and so on. Why wasn't her "good" good enough? 

The Charlotte Mason method of teaching is based on living books, rich ideas, lots of reading, and having students tell back (narrate) what they've learned. They are forming their own opinions about a wide feast of topics. Rather than learning dry facts and dates with no other connections, children spend the school year slowly digesting stories about historical figures and times, getting to know people in literature, or the ins and outs of nature, and working through their own ideas and takeaways. They also examine artwork and classical music, learning to identify the works of certain artists and composers. We spend daily time on cursive, and of course, do math every day.

I discovered my real frustration last year when I administered a traditional end-of-year standardized test: it was about as far from the Charlotte Mason method of teaching as it gets. Instead of asking my child to recall and describe what she remembers about Giotto's paintings, it's "Which of these words is spelled correctly?" and they look at ridiculous words that are misspelled. Rather than a robust, captivating paragraph from "King Arthur" to narrate, their understanding is assessed with a dry, uninteresting, textbook excerpt about apes, followed by questions so inane, I didn't even know the answers. 

Yes, I do realize that not everyone utilizes the Charlotte Mason method. However, there's no reason not to incorporate some life into these tests, or into education as a whole! All I could remember this morning was how much my girls, especially one who was slow to begin reading, dreaded testing last year. And I felt guilty; I had taught them one way, and assessed them in completely another. 

This brings me to why testing is indeed a "test," not just for my kids, but for me, especially for me. I feel backward and forward that homeschooling is what God wants me to do for my children, and I am convinced that the methods we employ are the best for us. There is an enemy lurking, who hates me, my kids, and all the good that we seek: "For we do not wrestle against flesh and blood, but against principalities, against powers, against the rulers of the darkness of this age, against spiritual hosts of wickedness in the heavenly places." (Ephesians 6:12).

The devil wants nothing more than to crush every part of me and my kids. He has worked long and hard to set up strongholds that I, with the help of the Holy Spirit, and tearing down with even more vigor. One area that he especially attacks is my motherhood, and this includes my teaching. He had me disheartened last year over how ridiculous the testing seemed, how far from all we'd accomplished, as if my way of doing things is the wrong way. This has crept into my life again, and this morning I fell into a trap.

It took me a long time to find a math program that was best for us. I tried one, and the repetition and slowness drove me bonkers. Then I tried another, and the dryness and lack of new concepts drove me even more nuts. I finally found Horizons, and we love it. However, because it took a while, my girls are about half a grade behind in it. This hasn't bothered me in the least; I feel that they know what I did at their ages, and it was good enough. But see, in today's culture, how anyone did anything in the good old days just isn't good enough anymore. When I thought about the fact that there would be sections of math that one of my kids might not know on the test, I started panicking.

Shame on us for our one-size-fits-all, no-room-for-a-kid's-own-pace mindset! I feel very alone in this. I'm not the least bit worried now, while my kid is eight, about her getting into college. I do Charlotte Mason's methods and the girls thrive...then I have to administer a test that teachers all across America have spent all year preparing for. One huge reason for homeschooling is to be able to do things in our own time, as we see fit. If that means being a little behind in math, we will catch up. However, the devil didn't want me seeing this earlier today. He wanted me panicking, believing that I was a terrible teacher, that my girls are so far behind, one might not even be in the right grade! 

I fell into the trap of panic over nothing. My kids read like others their age (granted, they weren't reading chapter books in first grade, but they are now!), know the names of most flowers, plants, and birds in our yard, spell fairly well (surely on grade level), don't throw their math books across the room, know more countries on a globe than probably most adults, can recount tales of Kipling and poetry of Stevenson, can read and write cursive...no, I don't think being a few steps behind in math isn't anything we can't catch up on, especially working over the summer. The issue is that we work so hard, I've seen my kids come so far, and their learning is reduced to percentages and bubbles. 

One thing I guard against is letting my kids know my true frustration. I do feel the need to tell them, "This is a part of our requirements, something we simply have to do every year. Don't worry if you don't know some answers." However, being taught the way they are, they can't help but experience frustration themselves. Some moms have told me, "You take this way too seriously. Just get the results, and don't even open them." Others tell me, "You may not like it, but it's the way things are." I agree there is some validity to both, but where's the indignation from parents, of homeschooled and traditionally-schooled kids alike? Do you really think these are decent assessments? It's become the "norm" only because we go along with it, and think that people with letters behind their names know what's best for kids. Remember...money usually plays a part in anything.

That was a squirrel in the form of two cents...back to the trap I fell in. Suddenly, I had a revelation: Go back and see how your kids actually performed on math last year! Gee...why didn't I think of that before my morning of torment? I pulled myself out of the snare and found the scores.

Last year's 3rd grader:
Computation: 97% (percentile)
Concepts and Problems: 87%
Not too shabby....

Last year's 2nd grader, the one who I've worried about due to our being "behind" in math, because of how loudly she protested last year about how "hard!!!!" the test was:
Computation: 72%
Concepts & Problems: 81%
How about that? 

I share this because I want others to know how many homeschoolers feel: we hate the comparison game. I believe comparison is a tactic of darkness that creates many lies we carry into adulthood. That's why I dislike so much of what education has become, but doesn't need to be. I detest labeling a first grader who is slow to start reading and getting a specialist and psychologist involved. I had people tell me, "Have her tested," and "You need to make sure there's no disability." I'm sure there are students who legitimately need this, but I believe it's way fewer than we think. I knew the whole time that she just wasn't ready, and would do it when she was, but the implication of neglectfulness was made  because "you want to get to the bottom of serious learning issues." Half a year later, she's reading like a champ, as I knew she would sooner or later. The problem is, standardized tests just won't wait, and can't allow kids to take the time they need. Tests are based on how a child did in comparison to others...and who gets to decide what's the "norm"? If Sally can read a paragraph in three minutes but it takes Jennie twice as long, why does Sally get to be "smarter"? If Jake can do twenty times tables in forty seconds, but it takes Sam five minutes, does he not also know them? I think this is dangerous territory, and this is why this time of year gives me the shakes.

The bigger issue is what the enemy had me thinking, the things that were going through my head: "I haven't taught them well" (a lie), "They're not on grade level" (a lie), "I need to rethink a lot of things we do" (a lie). "The devil...does not stand in the truth, because there is no truth in him. When he speaks a lie, he speaks from his own resources, for he is a liar and the father of it." (John 8:44). Whenever I find myself drowning in these traps, I ask the Holy Spirit to bring me back to what's real and true, and to grow me through the experience. I do accept that we have to do testing, but I don't have to like it. I am grateful that North Carolina homeschoolers otherwise have much freedom. Yes, we do need some form of assessment, but I'd much rather create a portfolio, which is acceptable in many other states. 

Let the kids be kids! When did pre-algebra become the norm in third grade? Let them climb trees and make stick forts, let them enjoy poetry for it's own sake, and sing songs. Let little people go to kindergarten barely knowing their letters, and watch them learn to read by fourth grade anyway. Let them learn self-respect through good character and rich ideas, rather than self-esteem by how many facts they can regurgitate. As Charlotte Mason stated, The question is not how much a child knows, but how much does he care? We have replaced caring as well as knowing with...testing. Regardless of how my children perform, these tests as they are will always make me recoil.

I'll end with a heavy tribute to Mason from various selections of Susan Schaeffer Macaulay's For The Children's Sake: "A high standard was expected...It was not to be a race...'Good little Sally made only one mistake, she gets an A!' But poor struggling Johnny tried his best and is rewarded with a D. How can Johnny ever take a proper joy in the fact that he learned a new step?...How immoral to apply an arbitrary yardstick to the little child and expect him to progress at some 'normal' speed! We take from him the joy of accomplishing new skills which should be a part of growing up. We often combine frustrating skill-learning techniques with sawdust books...We are limited to three educational instruments--the atmosphere of the environment, the discipline of habit, and the presentation of living ideas. If education is to secure the step-by-step progress of the individual and the nation, it must mean something over and above the daily plodding at small tasks which goes by the name...If you think that the sick fear of not getting an A grade is a lofty means of motivating the child to excellence, I beg to differ...Let us help the child gain skills really well for his own sake, not because of what somebody else can or cannot do." 

Let them delight in the beauty of the first clematis of spring; 

that speaks volumes over the hundredth percentile.

Until next time...perhaps a lighter topic!

In memory of Victor J. Bablove

(1949-2017)

Books, Games, & Such

My daughter was sick yesterday, so we read this book together:

Do you remember Jerrold Beim books from the library? When I was a kid, there was a large collection. Sadly, they're not among the collection anymore. I used to check this book out (the cover was different: green library binding) over and over, and read it repeatedly. It takes the reader through the Green Family photo album, with young Chris Green as the main character. We learn "who's who in your family" by examining Chris's family photos with him, and learn about first cousins once-removed, great-aunts and uncles, half-siblings, in addition to more familiar relations such as cousins, grandparents, etc. 

The artwork of Mary Stevens is astounding; drawings like hers don't exist in modern children's books. I remembered this wonderful work and ordered this copy years ago, before I had children. It is my delight to share it with them, and to even read it myself. Who's Who in Your Family ranks as one of my favorite all-time books. I love the photo of Chris's dad as a boy, carving his initials on a tree, and under "J.G." he noted the date: 1921! Simply fabulous.

A favorite pastime of our family is playing Clue. I used to own this game, and have no idea where it went. My kids were given the modern version for Christmas. Even better than playing Clue together is when Nibbles is along, reclining in a baby doll seat:

Speaking of games, who doesn't love Candy Land? Last week, the girls were looking for something different to play. I told them that our old games were down in the basement, and after a trip down there, they reappeared with this, which was mine as a kid:

Do you see where my grandmother not only wrote my name (the initial "R" stands for Robin, my middle name), but the date: "Julio 17, 1981" (Julio because she's from Cuba, of course). There's nothing special about that date except that it happened to be the day that she wrote on the board. I would've been five years old. 

Look at the board!

Is this pristine, or what? What I notice most about it is that it contains just enough without being overly busy like today's game boards. Why do they keep changing them? Can't you just feel the joy radiating from this board? A friend shared with me that the current version of another favorite, Chutes and Ladders, is so overloaded that he, the adult, can't even figure it out! As for the four-year-old, forget it! What a shame. Simple is better. 

Here are some pieces. You will notice the sweets have changed:

One might see all of this and think that I must not have played with this game much, seeing as how it has remained in such good condition. Not true! Toys of all kinds were much better made back in the day. The quality was solid and people got their money's worth, unlike many of the cheap, poorly-made playthings of today. Items were made to last; today they break, and folks just go buy a new one. I took care of my things, and my kids see it and appreciate this lesson, too. I think that the reason they love this game in spite of their ages is because of its nostalgic charm. By the way, now we know when someone is about to pick the lollipop. It has some old stain on the back...I wonder what it was? Don't you just love little marks and stains on old things? Maybe it's just me.

Here is a beautiful prayer from The Optimist's Good Morning by Florence Hobart Perin (1929): 

It's important to ask the Lord constantly for our minds to be this "nesting-place for pleasant and restful thoughts," ideas that please Him and enable us to walk in the freedom in which Christ has set us free. I'm learning to bring darkness into light, to replace lies with truth, to allow the Holy Spirit to tear down strongholds and rebuild my heart with His wisdom and truth. We have to learn to trust that God is good. It is a long, slow, rich, painful, good process.

A charming, simple book for nature study is Plant Life in Field and Garden by Arabella B. Buckley. This reading started off our week: 

I asked my daughters, "Are those the same little yellow flowers we saw just yesterday down by the lake?" They were certain that they were. I loved that we happened to be reading this selection in March, like the book states, and have these very same Marsh Marigolds growing near our house:

That's the beauty of nature study; it need not be elaborate, and you don't have to make fancy field trips to enjoy what God has placed in your own yard. My girls and I now have a bond with the Marsh Marigold, and we will always remember these dainty buds with the bees buzzing around them, just like we read about in the book. 

Those wildflowers or weeds make a fine science lesson! Here are others that my girls have found; one is the Marsh Marigold up close: 

And these look just like another flower that Buckley mentions further in the reading: 

She talks about a flower called yellow Coltsfoot, which we looked up on the Internet. The resemblance was close, yet not quite the same. It offered a fabulous opportunity for my girls to compare the two flowers, finding similarities and differences in both. We are learning to examine God's creation closely, and marvel at His perfect design. 

I came across another enchanting passage in Blaisdell's How to Keep Well that I can't resist sharing: 

My daughter couldn't believe this...I couldn't believe it! Isn't our world fascinating? Have you ever heard of such a thing? I'm convinced that living books enable learning much more adequately than dry lectures or textbooks. We're certain to remember these details!

Here is the poem the girls copied yesterday:

I love cursive, poetry, and a chalkboard! My girls are used to having to copy something from the board in cursive daily. I like the reinforcement it gives to poetry, handwriting practice, spelling, and punctuation. When I started homeschooling and purchased this chalkboard, I was so excited about it. A Debbie Downer saw it and remarked about how messy it would be, with dust getting everywhere. We can't allow naysayers to crush our joy...and they will always be around. I'm sure I realize that chalk causes dust; so do dry erase markers, which run out faster and are more costly than chalk. We delight in our board, and are making memories. A small dry erase board is also used in our school when we're reading; I write hard-to-remember names on it to aid in narration. 

Look at this recipe from 1953 that I decided to try: 

Oh, how I admire the homemakers of my grandparents' generation! We moms of today don't always realize the joy of time-consuming food art like this. The importance of time spent in the kitchen producing such a result hasn't been impressed upon us. I believe in setting aside a weekday afternoon or even a whole Saturday for projects like this. We can't rush such a recipe, and need time to figure out where changes might need to be made. Here is how my version turned out: 

I laughed my head off when I saw that both layers of my cake put together were still not as high as one layer of the cake in the original picture! When I set them on cooling racks, the layers resembled two pancakes! I had put in such time and effort, though, that I went ahead with it. I thought, by golly, we're eating this thing if it's the last thing we eat! I simply texted Liz and asked her to bring over some ice cream to go with it.

I learned two main things for next time (and I will make it again!): they have to do with the frosting and the shortening. I'm glad I went ahead and made the icing first, to get it over with and cooled. I recommend making it on the stove as stated, yet it will be very oily, as if the butter won't separate from the rest. I solved this by putting it all into the mixing bowl and letting the electric mixer whip it for about five minutes. 

Since I haven't used shortening in many years, I decided to substitute butter. Liz, who bakes a lot and has experience with many ingredients, says that this substitution is what caused the cake not to rise well. She uses shortening whenever the recipe calls for it, and from now on, I will, too. As for the taste of the cake, it was delicious. After all I'd been through, I decided not to attempt covering the sides with almonds, but settled for a simple smattering over the top. The leftovers were fabulous for breakfast!

I'm learning not to be afraid of what's weird to most people. It's worth our time to read old books, teach cursive, write on a chalkboard, play old games, enjoy poetry without ruining it by picking every line apart, pick weeds and put them in the window, and spend a whole morning on a recipe that might not turn out. The joy is not only in the finished product, but there's great satisfaction in the journey. All of these little things add up to life. 

Speaking of cakes, my Aunt Susan celebrated her 65th birthday yesterday! I leave you with this fantastic image of my dad and his little sis, long ago:

The passage of time is like lightning. We must spend it wisely, on the things of God and what glorifies Him. 

Until next time!