God's Protection

I don't want to write a post about a man following my girls and me out of the library, but I feel a duty. You may be as oblivious as I was. I thought I always noticed people around us. I sometimes felt too cognizant of a loner in the park, or a strange-looking character in the store. It didn't occur to me that someone might follow us once we'd gotten into our vehicle. Thanks to a plain clothes policeman sent by the Lord, we escaped harm. I want you and your children to be safe as well.

We were in the library last week, about to leave, and were looking at a shelf of sale books right beside the entrance/exit. There's a big table beside this shelf where a policeman is usually stationed. We were almost through perusing when a man came in and stood to our left, presumably also looking at the books. I noticed he was odd-looking, with almost feminine facial features, as if wearing black eye-liner. His head was covered with a navy bandana, with black curls coming out underneath. He wore khaki shorts and some kind of sandals. His build was muscular, with hairy legs. 

Why did I notice all of this in just a few seconds? Probably because God wanted me to, and also because this guy was so noticeably different looking. Anyway, I moved my girls over, we looked maybe fifteen more seconds, then we left.

Evidently, so did he...right behind us.

I only know this because of the policeman who had indeed been at the table, but his plain clothes made him inconspicuous. As I was backing out of my parking space, he was standing by my window, beckoning. Only then did I notice the handcuffs and badge at his waist. He asked me to stay put for a minute, and asked if I had noticed the "weirdo" beside us at the bookshelf. "He acted like he was looking at the books," the cop said, "but, trust me, he was not looking at the books." A chill went through me, and I wanted to get sick.

Apparently, this policeman was at the table watching, and no one noticed him because he was sitting down in regular clothes, so his waist with his gear was hidden. He saw the man follow us out, and hightail it to his own car, which was parked in a different lot, across the street. We had parked behind the building. The cop said it seemed like the man was planning to follow me, so he wanted me to wait a few minutes. If I still noticed him, I was instructed to drive straight to the police station.

I talked to this officer for probably three or four minutes. He had been so busy chasing me down and giving me this information, that we didn't notice if the man left his parking lot. Supposedly he was in a blue Honda hatchback. Thankfully, he did not follow us home, and we actually had a sheriff behind us most of the way! I drove home in a daze, not knowing how to process the event, and being shocked that I hadn't even considered noticing if I were being followed. I think that if the cop hadn't informed me, even if I'd noticed the man, I might just have thought, "I think that's the guy from the library behind us." As scary as it is, I'm very glad to have this awareness now!

I'm looking into family self-defense with a local lady I know. I also started carrying my pepper spray again. Why did I think I didn't need it? Over the days that followed, I had many dark thoughts of what could've been. The devil attacked me hard. I recalled several moments past that could've ended badly, and took my feelings of condemnation to the Lord. Isn't that what Satan does, especially at night? He brings up the "what ifs," what "could've" happened, and how "negligent" and "stupid" I was. God has been allowing me to process this, and working on my heart regarding regrets and how I handled things I wish I could've done differently. On top of that, there was the lingering fear.

What if we were somewhere else, and saw this guy again? What if someone else tries to follow us? What if, what if, what if. I could drive myself insane falling into the enemy's fear traps. Ephesians 5:11 says, "Have no fellowship with the unfruitful works of darkness, but rather expose them." This is something to pray about daily. In writing this post and in talking to my friends, I am exposing the ugliness of darkness.

I have also done some serious praying about our protection, that the Lord would outfit us with what I term "beefy angel-bodyguards" to go everywhere with us. I felt peace about God's provision, as His Word clearly states that He places angels to guard us in all our ways. 

So guess what happened yesterday? I saw him again.

Yes, only nine days after the incident, I saw the guy again. I had just prayed before walking into the place; I asked the Lord, "Please don't let me see the man with the bandana here." Ironically, it was at another library event, although in a different building. I was alone this time, at the library's half-price book sale, and was just finishing looking around after having been there at least an hour. I don't go into the cd/dvd room, but as I passed by it, I glanced in...and there he was, standing in the little room, head bent, looking at some media that was in his hands. The bent head was covered with the same navy bandana, with the same black curls emerging, and he wore the same khaki shorts, and same sandals.

I seriously couldn't believe it. My first instinct was to flee past, which I did. I was shocked, and my heartbeat increased ten-fold in a matter of seconds. I stood with my back to where he would come out (if he left the dvd room), and pretended to look at some books (oh, the irony!) as I pulled myself together, tried to breathe, and said some prayer, although I have no idea what I said. I texted my husband, who responded "Get out of there," which I did. As I made my way through the payment lines, I kept my face firmly forward, as I didn't want him to see me. I had no idea if the guy could be behind me, although I feared he was. The ladies at the table wanted to chitchat, and I was practically shaking...I wondered what they would say if I blurted out, "I have to get out of here! A-bandana-guy-who-creeped-me-out-and-who-I-hoped-never-to-see-again-is-within-yards-of-me-and-I'm-gonna-pass-out-if-I-can't-get-outta-here!"

I grabbed the mace out of my purse, held it firmly along with my box of books, and made it to my van, which was thankfully parked close to the door. I checked to see if he was in the parking lot, and he wasn't. No one followed me out, and I made a second trip home in a daze, not knowing what to think or how to process seeing this person for the second time in nine days. 

"Lord," I said, "I have to admit I'm baffled. I confess I don't understand, when I had just prayed not to see that guy here, why I would see him here!" I knew God had some purpose, as He always does. I told Him I knew he was always teaching me something, but I just didn't get it. Not that I had to, but I knew that the Lord was happy to engage me in a dialogue nonetheless.

A different sort of question suddenly popped into my head: "Aren't you glad you did see him?" Well, yes, I was. And certainly glad that he didn't see me! And even more grateful that in the long time I was at the sale, not once did that man appear down an aisle where I had been. I can only imagine if I'd looked over and seen him standing beside me again, "looking" at books. I'm pretty certain I'd have passed out.

When I got home and had bent my husband's ear awhile, yet another nudge came to me: "Remember the beefy angel-bodyguards?" And it was a warm nudge, with a loving embrace from God. 

What do I make of all of this? I can't fully say. It was an unsettling evening, with more enemy attack. However, the love, protection, and sovereignty of God have overarched the whole situation. Jesus Christ is "Far above all principality and power and might and dominion, and every name that is named, not only in this age, but also in that which is to come. And He put all things under His feet..." (Ephesians 1:21-22). I read this aloud, thanking God for His might, and asking Him to make me strong in it (Ephesians 6:10). 

The Lord reminds me that, in none of the potentially dangerous situations that have happened over my life, have I been in control of the outcome. In fact, it is because of Him that they have ended well! I feel Him showing me His great love and protection, making me aware of His care for us. I was reminded today of the passage in Luke 11:11-13 where Jesus says, "If a son asks for bread from any father among you, will he give him a stone? Or if he asks for a fish, will he give him a serpent instead of a fish? Or if he asks for an egg, will he offer him a scorpion? If you then, being evil, know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will your heavenly Father give the Holy Spirit to those who ask Him!" Matthew's account in 6:11 says, "How much more will your Father who is in heaven give good things to those who ask Him!"

I feel the Lord's love in that He understands that I want "good things" for us. He is reminding me that He wants this, too, even more than I do ("How much more will your Father in heaven...?"). He is speaking to me about the fact that he gives bread, fish, and eggs, not stones, serpents, and scorpions. He gives "beefy angel-bodyguards" if we ask! It can feel scary and terrible, but our Father in heaven always knows what's good for us, even if it doesn't make complete earthly sense. I will trust and grow in Him, forgetting not all his benefits (Psalm 103:2)...and still carry my mace. I hope you will do the same!

Heart Wounds

The intent of this blog is to be real, to share my life with anyone who will listen in hopes that we can do life together. Sometimes my posts are funny and cute, but right now I'm feeling raw. Something happened today to make me reexamine the broken pieces of my heart. 

I am not ashamed to tell people that my life has been (and is) messy and that I desperately need Christ to enlighten my darkness. I've lived so long wearing masks and pretending, mainly because I had no idea who God made me to be. For almost a year and a half, I have sought deep, scary healing with the help of my counselor-friend, pressing into Jesus, and asking Him to show me who I really am in light of Who He is. 

My counselor-friend gets it because he himself has been "to hell and back sideways," as he says. Reading "get wisdom" in Proverbs 4:7 is one thing; actually pursuing this, whatever the cost, is altogether scary. The blow that caused a wound hurt in the first place; ripping off the scab to allow it to breathe and heal properly can seem like torture all over again. I'm convinced that's why most folks keep masks on; the experience of taking them off can be unspeakably grueling.

Today I realized that in spite of how far I've come in my healing and rebuilding process, there's still a large chunk of my heart that's broken: the part that has to do with my motherhood. An incident occurred that made me feel irresponsible and negligent. As I wept under the strain of a head that knows it's a lie but heart that still isn't fully convinced, I made the same request before God that I've been making for over a year: "Lord, show me the lies I'm believing, and the parts of my heart that still need healing." It was obvious: my heart believes that I am a mother who puts my children in harm's way. It's a harrowing burden to carry.

I am not at liberty on this blog to discuss the parts of my past that have led to my believing this lie, but I will share that they have indeed been brought into the light. The enemy can't stand it, so he works ever harder to keep me in bondage. When I say the lie out loud, "I'm an irresponsible, negligent mother who intentionally puts her children in harm's way," it sounds ridiculous...because it's a lie. The thing is, my head can use reasoning, but my heart is a different story. When we're commanded to "get wisdom," it's no easy task; it involves revisiting the past, turning darkness into light, a marathon and not a sprint. Again, our culture (not even the "Christian" culture) doesn't encourage this kind of slow, painful, organic, only-the-Holy-Spirit-can-do-it growth from the inside out. 

Someone I love pointed out today that I should've done something differently, and that I needed to "be more careful." It had to do with my children, and it tore me up. What I heard was that I'm not careful. Is it true...am I not careful, irresponsible, and negligent? My head says no, but my heart still believes it. In fact, not a night has passed since my kids were born that I haven't had the enemy standing before me accusing, fear-mongering, and lying:

"Hold that baby extra tightly...this is how she will look falling down the stairs."

"Look how she's sweating in her pajamas...you could've caused her to overheat."

"What kind of mother allows her kid to see the scene in that movie that you didn't manage to fast-foward?"

"You turned when that car was coming...imagine it crashing into your kids, ending their lives, because of your stupidity."

"Remember that tone you used with your girl this morning? You crushed your kids."

"You didn't cover yourself up fast enough when your kid barged into the bathroom...you pervert!"

"What kind of mother lets her kid keep playing tennis with a metal racket...didn't you hear that thunder?"

"Why didn't you wait till you could see a little farther ahead, instead of gunning it around that tractor that was going 20mph? What were you thinking?"

"You let them play foosball at the pool with a kid who throws around the word 'freaking'? You need to mind better who you let them be around."

"How dare you see your kid running naked down the hall...again, you pervert!"

"Feel paranoid...all these people are kidnappers who want to sell your children to the trafficking industry."

"The reason your kid scored below average on that testing section is because you're not teaching her well enough....you let her down."

These are only a few examples of what the devil tries with me every day, every night. Why does he do it? Because the enemy hates anything God designs, anything that is good. The relationship between parents and children is just one of those things. (It's not all he attacks, either; it's just the piece of my heart that has taken longest to heal). He does it because my heart believes it. He does it because he knows that I mess up, and it's almost impossible for me to forgive myself. The devil loves to take my mess-ups and brokenness and make me think that they are what I am: horrible, toxic, "negligent," "irresponsible," a ruiner of the lives of my children. The reality is that we all make mistakes; the Holy Spirit lovingly convicts and leads us to repentance, while the enemy accuses and brings guilt. I just need for my heart to truly know it.

I told the Lord today that I almost needed the "episode" that occurred so I could see how deeply wounded this piece of my heart is, and how desperate I am for Him to help me. Don't believe for one second that being a Christian means an instant heart change; no, no, NO! Friends, this is a hard, messy, what-the-heck-did-I-sign-up-for kind of walk. That's how we know it's real, and that only Christ's work on the cross can make its crookedness straight. 

Pray for me as I take seriously what Paul told Timothy, to "fight the good fight of the faith" (1 Timothy 6:12). Did you notice the word fight? That's what it is, a battle: hard, gruesome, harrowing, terrible. Except....God's way involves a "good" fight. Sounds like an oxymoron, doesn't it? I've found that God's ways are so contrary to my own, that's how I know I'm standing with Him. He is counterculture; His way is often that of tough love. 

Allow grace for those around you who seem to do "mental gymnastics." The mind isn't actually to blame; the heart is the "wellspring of life" (Proverbs 4:32). Mine has taken a beating over the years and lies have become rooted. It's no easy task to uproot all the tangles and get back to truth, but it's a "good fight." I have to choose to call it that because God's Word does, and faith chooses to believe that one day, this heart will be completely healed. Until then, I wait expectantly, pressing into Christ, being transparent for His sake, calling out the Father of Lies, and believing that the Holy Spirit is renewing me every day (2 Corinthians 4:16). 

Book of Centuries & Goof-o

Something called a "Book of Centuries" has piqued my interest as a homeschooler. It's Charlotte Mason's version of the "timeline" often encountered in classical education methods. Although some like to have students memorize songs or poems containing dates and facts, I prefer to make a note of historical events as we study them through literature. The main hangup, obviously, is that no wall is big enough for a timeline starting at 4000 BC and ending in the present!

The Book of Centuries is an ideal, charming way to record dates without having to stretch out a line over all of history. It's exactly what its name says: a book that covers history, century by century. I have seen variations, from free sheets that can be printed and stored in a three-ring binder, to hardbound, stately volumes organized by centuries, each year within squared off. My desire was for something lasting, that each child could keep throughout her school career, making notes whenever she encounters a date worth recording. I loved the idea of the hardback book, but purchasing one would be too pricey for this thrifty mom. I decided to combine both ideas and make my own!

I found three blank art sketch books at Michael's (one for each child, one for me!). I enlisted the help of my husband, and together we wrote the dates for each century, starting with 4000 BC to 3901 BC, all the way to 2001 to 2100 AD (because this is our century). In the middle, 100 BC to 1 BC meets 1 to 100 AD. Notice in the photo that each century is allowed two pages. The first page is for the first half of the century, and the second half goes on the second page. I'm teaching my girls to write dates in order, leaving space in order to have room for future notes they will make. So far, we've been jotting down simple sentences, but students can draw pictures, or even glue printed photos of famous people or events. On the blank pages that are left over, we will probably write sentences and paragraphs and do illustrations about historical events. I think this Book of Centuries will be a wonderful way to keep Bible history straight, too; we know the stories, but give little thought to when most of them happened. I'm enjoying keeping my own Book of Centuries, and encourage anyone to do this, not just homeschoolers. 

A while back, I wrote about David McCullough's book, The Johnstown Flood. Our family visited Johnstown a few weeks ago, and made a trip to the Flood Museum. I saw this little chapter book in the gift shop, and knew it had to be a part of our library. Marden Dahlstedt's grandparents survived the 1889 flood, and the lives of the fictional characters in this book are based on those of actual flood victims. The story begins right before the flood, and takes readers through the harrowing hours and days after. We began reading The Terrible Wave during the car ride back home from Pennsylvania, and this story keeps the attention of young people and adults alike. Look on the Internet for a copy, and enjoy a read-aloud with your family. You will have an adequate knowledge of the Johnstown Flood by the book's end. 

In all transparency, some things have been rough for me lately. We aren't born just "trusting God," and neither is this a saying that can be thrown around lightly. When we're commanded in Psalm 27 to "Wait patiently on the Lord; be of courage and He will strengthen your heart," this isn't for the weak. Heart-strengthening is painful, and waiting can seem endless. Someone wise told me last week that when the enemy's tactics move from covert to overt, then the enemy is losing ground. That's something to hold on to!

A few nights ago, I was under extreme attack. A while later, I went into my closet and told the Lord I was frustrated. I felt a nudge from the Holy Spirit that reminded me that my frustration and fear came from not being able to see past the enemy...and see my Lord, right there in the room. He indeed is right there, and wants to keep giving me the ability to remember and see. What a powerful word. I can remember this truth next time, and proceed with confidence. 

The lilacs outside my home's side window are in full bloom. What a joy to pluck a stem, bring it inside, inhale it's sweet fragrance, and settle down at the table with my girls and our nature notebooks. We do this once a week, find something in nature (a flower, blade of grass, stick, bird, whatever we choose), and illustrate it in our books. I remembered that in addition to our watercolors, I had some old watercolor pencils tucked away. They work like colored pencils, but when you put water to them, they spread like paint! We all need to step back and unwind somehow, and this is one small way.

I can't resist this photo that my girl took yesterday of our Nibbles. Sometimes, we plunk her down in the grass, and she lives up to her name, gobbling up as much as she can. Guinea pigs are free to eat as much grass as they can hold, just be careful that your lawn hasn't been treated. We also hover closely, making sure no hawks are in the area. Nibbles is overjoyed when she gets to scamper in and savor the fresh, green grass. She's a little sweetie, a "muppet," as I call her. 

Last but not least, are you a Goofball? Sometimes I am, and make no apologies. It's fun to be silly about childlike things, to find delight in something simple, and laugh at your own mistakes. The term reminds me of my Dad, who over the years, shortened it to the ever endearing "Goof-o." I saw this candy bar at a service station somewhere in Virginia on our way back from Pittsburgh, and just had to get a shot of it. Anyone who knows me will tell you this kind of humor is in my wheelhouse. Until next time!

How Charlotte & I View Mind & Heart Differently

If I could have a discussion with Charlotte Mason, I would gently challenge her on some passages in Ourselves where she brushes across the topic of our thoughts. Before I go further, I will make the disclaimer that I have not yet read this book entirely; I am merely stating my personal thoughts on a part that I recently read. 

I believe that I have earned some authority to speak to the renewing of the mind, as well as torment by the enemy with thoughts that are neither desirable nor instigated by me. The Father of Lies knows which buttons to push; he recalls every horrible news story I've heard, or image I've seen. He knows the details of trashy movies and books I once had no problem with; he's the one responsible for my once lackadaisical attitude toward them. I agree with Charlotte when she advises, "...it is unwise for anyone to read newspaper accounts of those sorts of things, for even if you are not tempted to do the wickedness, the horrid picture of it remains, once you have allowed your Imagination to paint it for you" (p. 52). No question there.

I am intentional now about what I watch and read; however, in this day and age, no one has the power to stop every pop-up ad, and who knows what will come up next on the news? Before I know it, the "images" are formed in my mind, like it or not, and as I've written before, the enemy uses this greatly against me. Unimaginable horrors threaten to take over my sanity before I know what has happened. This plus all the mind-junk from the past make for a nasty combination.

Where I take some issue with Charlotte is in the way she tells us to not listen to people who are discussing such "sins," and in how to handle our thoughts. I'd like to think she refers to the actual horrors, but her tone leads me to think that we shouldn't even talk about the fact that "normal" people deal with this daily, even minute-by-minute. I confess I'm bothered by Charlotte's wording that those of us who are tormented by certain thoughts "allow" ourselves "...to think such thoughts" without simply "shutting the eyes" of our imaginations. 

In defense of Miss Mason, I will say that I agree with her more often than not. She has felt like a wise mentor, one who guides me through homeschooling as well as life. Perhaps my admiration for her is what disappoints me to have a slight bone to pick. I feel like a troublemaker within the CM community, none of whom I've ever heard "call out" Charlotte on anything. But there is much more involved here, and obviously Charlotte had a rare type of mind-protecting discernment. I would wager that most of us have extreme difficulty simply "hurrying away from the thought to think of something else" (p.53).

John Piper's sermon "The Renewed Mind and How to Have It" offers excellent insight for those of us who struggle with this issue. Many have been through trauma that requires much more than just thinking about something else. Piper explains our problem this way:

"The mind suppresses the truth because the heart continues to feed it with hardness and won't let us submit to the supremacy of Christ."

Matters of the mind are matters of the heart. They are not flies that go away when we swat at them. My mind and heart are connected; the heart feeds the mind with lies that it has believed, and these manifest themselves all sorts of ways. According to Piper, this keeps us from submitting to Christ's omnipotence and majesty. 

There is so much more to this than replacing a negative thought with a pleasant one as if it were all up to me. It is counterproductive to interfere with the Spirit's work. Piper points out that the same "renewing" used when Paul talks about "being transformed by the renewing of the mind" is used only one other time as a noun in the New Testament, in Titus 3:5:

"...according to His mercy He saved us, through the washing of regeneration and the renewing of the Holy Spirit, whom He poured out on us abundantly through Christ Jesus our Savior."

Those who unwillingly suffer from, as Charlotte calls it, "unclean imaginings," feel unclean enough by these abominations without being made to feel as though the individual is somehow causing them. Piper says that we have a "mindset" that must be renewed. Trying to think good thoughts is not a bad idea, but the issue is much bigger. Lies we believe can come from anywhere: liberties taken as children, the death of a parent, having witnessed a traumatic event, having been neglected, and on the list can go. As commendable as Charlotte's methods are, I admit there is disappointment that more grace can't be given to believers who find it difficult to endure the enemy's torment.

As believers, let's not forget that every aspect of healing and change in our lives requires the work of the Holy Spirit. It can be hard to know what that looks like. When one is in bondage to lies for so long, we almost feel as though we're doomed to that fate forever. Not only must we soak in truth from the outside in the form of verses, sermons, etc., but we must pray like crazy for heart-repair on the inside. No amount of happy-thought band-aids will accomplish this. It involves begging God to let us know Him, and for ourselves to be known.

In my healing from wounds and lies, a tactic of the enemy has been to put repulsive images in my mind in order to make me feel dirty, incurable, and far from Christ. My reaction still changes moment by moment, depending on my turning it over to the Lord. My prayer is that soon, I will have completely given it over to the Holy Spirit. Even in good times, my cracked heart goes back to the lie that soon the other shoe will fall. When we are so bent on not thinking about certain things, we are bound to think them. I ask the Spirit daily to get me to the point that I don't think about thinking about it!

Healing a broken, warped heart is a marathon. We want to believe that once a person walks an aisle or prays a prayer for Christ...bam!...none of my old ways of thinking will affect me. The devil has done a crafty job of selling us this bill of goods. I am in this for real, continuing to ask the Spirit to heal me slowly, and make me be able to say with authority and no platitudes that I know for sure  that my heart has been healed. I have to be prepared for suffering and purging in the meantime.

"Now, the Lord is the Spirit; and where the Spirit of the Lord is, there is liberty. But we all, with unveiled face, beholding as in a mirror the glory of the Lord, are being transformed into the same image from glory to glory, just as by the Spirit of the Lord." (2 Corinthians 3:17-18).

I remain faithful to the Charlotte Mason method. She feels like a friend, and I'm allowed to not see eye-to-eye with the way a friend conveys an idea. I encourage the CM community to remember that although we are presenting our children and ourselves with living, wholesome ideas, all of us have hurts that have brought about wounds that need healing. The "unclean imaginings" of others are not to be dismissed, but treated seriously, taken to the Lord in prayer, with compassion and grace. They are unwanted darts thrown at those who love the Lord.

"Therefore we do not lose heart. Even though our outward man is perishing, yet the inward man is being renewed day by day." (2 Corinthians 4:16)

A Frazzled Mind

I was in a tizzy last week, affected by the poor planning of several women who take on too much and are spread thin.  My posture toward our culture was indignant, frustrated that it's too easy to believe the lie that we can do it all.  I wasted at least a day stewing about why moms today just can't focus on what's important, why we allow ourselves to get overwhelmed.  The idea just wouldn't leave me.

When I least expected it, the Holy Spirit gave me a loving nudge.  Yes, I am indeed intentional about not squandering my time.  I have no problem saying no to activities just for activities' sake.  My schedule seldom overpowers daily life. No, I do not feel guilty about abstaining from things that will add to what we already do.  Then came the kicker: My schedule isn't what overwhelms me; where I need to declutter is my brain.

He gently had lain it out for me.  The chaos in my mind is just as exhausting as the hectic lives of many women in our culture.  Wow.  I could only humbly agree with what my Maker was revealing to me.  Many are stressed out because they run here and there; my stress is due to the mental gymnastics caused by my flesh and the enemy.

Scenarios unroll rapidly in my head.  While first in line at the red light, I imagine it turning green and my going forward, only to be taken out by an eighteen-wheeler.  The strange man at the corner library table makes me nervous; suppose I turn my head and he jumps up and takes off with one of my kids?  My daughter darts past the top of the stairs, and I imagine her slipping and falling down them, slamming hard against the wood.  This is only a taste of the darkness that overtakes me at any given moment of the day.

When I was a teenager, I put no limits on the filth I allowed myself to either read or see on television.  What God created as beautiful to be exclusively between husband and wife has been perverted by the world in a way that now makes me seethe.  More than twenty years later, there remain writings and images I wish I could erase, and the enemy knows when to strategically remind me of them.  We should stop at nothing to protect the purity of our kids' bodies and minds.

I cannot recall ever having lived without this overactive imagination, the worry, fear, and fight-or-flight feeling.  All of a sudden, though, the Holy Spirit is showing me that it's not who I am.  I don't have to be bound by undesired thoughts, and do not have to think them if I don't want to! I am not crazy, as the enemy would like me to think, nor am I bound to these dark thoughts forever.  Christ is bringing darkness into light.

Back in June, on an evening when I was particularly tormented with undesirable mind-clutter, I had a moment of desperation in which I cried out to the Lord.  Normally, when I make a request of Him, I've learned to wait and He answers when I least expect it (like when He gave me the nudge about my mind last week).  However, this time, I said outright, "Lord, I can't stand this, and I need peace.  If there's a verse where you can lead me..." and before I could go on, I felt, "Ephesians 4:23."  My Bible wasn't even open, and I half-wondered if my overactive brain had come up with that verse just to have a "word from God." 
Imagine my surprise when I flipped to it and read:

"and be renewed in the spirit of your mind." 

Yes, God cares.  He made us, and in Him we already have a sound mind.  He saw fit to point me directly to what He wanted me to know, and I loved it.  God is showing me that this is way beyond words on a page, or list-making, or white-knuckled efforts at replacing my thoughts with fluffy images.  This is about my sins of worry, fear, and trying to control my mind on my own.  I have spent too many years being my own protector, and I know He wants me to hand that role back to Him.

Another verse that we take for granted that is becoming rubber-meeting-road for me is Psalm 46:10:
"Be still and know that I am God."
How on earth do I do that?!  I decided to say that very thing to my Creator: "Lord, I want to be still and let you take over my mind, but I've never done that and I need your help.  Please be in charge of my mind and bring renewal to it."

This "renewing of the mind" from what now will always be my favorite verse (Ephesians 4:23) and Romans 12:2 is beginning to click.  I'm seeing that it's not about my efforts to "change," but about allowing the Holy Spirit to take over and transform my entire way of thinking.  Christ doesn't give us a spirit of fear, but soundness of mind (2 Timothy 1:7).  As a believer, I am not a slave again to fear (Romans 8:15).  The new creation that I am in Christ "was created according to God, in true righteousness and holiness" (Ephesians 4:24).  

Will we all experience occasional fear?  Of course.  Will an unsavory thought from the past never again resurface?  Doubtful.  The change in renewal will be that I am no longer in bondage to the fear, worry, or shame that have lived in my head for so long.  Sometimes we have to get to the point of utter despair before we are willing to give complete surrender.  The Holy Spirit is the Mind-Renewer, if only we first ask and then trust.

A Sound Mind

"For God has not given us a spirit of fear, but of power and of love and of a sound mind."
2 Timothy 1:7

Oh, how I have longed for a sound mind.  To not fret, to be still, to escape the worrisome ideas the enemy screams into my head...this became my quest.  Just the other day, the Holy Spirit nudged me to see something in this verse I thought I knew well.  I looked at it again with clarity: 

God has [already]...given...a sound mind.

I do have the soundness of mind I've so desired!  Those of us who believe in Christ as our Savior all possess it, even when we feel like we don't.  When thoughts that we despise creep in, it's not our job to seek a sound mind; we already have it, given to us by God.

As a preacher of truth, Charles Spurgeon experienced the enemy's tormenting mind games.  In his work All of Grace, he states:

"These thoughts, if you hate them, are none of yours, but are injections of the devil for which he is responsible, not you...The poor diseased woman could not come to Jesus for the press, and you are in much the same condition because of the rush and throng of these dreadful thoughts.  Still, she put forth her finger and touched the fringe of the Lord's garment, and she was healed.  Do you the same...He can still those horrible whisperings of the fiend, or He can enable you to see them in their true light so that you may not be worried by them...Only trust Him for this and everything else." (From The Essential Works of Charles Spurgeon, published by Barbour Publishing, Inc.  Used by permission).

It is a tactic of God's enemy to make us believe that we are responsible for abominable thoughts that we detest.  If he can worry us, he can cause all sorts of havoc: drawing us away from Christ because of shame, making us believe we are responsible for thoughts we hate, giving us a disgraceful view of ourselves, causing us to forget who we are in Christ and that His blood has made us whole and clean, and even putting fear in us because of scary topics.

If a visible person were standing beside me making atrocious claims, I would be repulsed, but it would be obvious that someone else said the things, not me.  Why is it hard to accept that Satan sends out his minions to do this?  When we are in Christ, He has already bestowed soundness of mind on us.  He gives the Holy Spirit to be our Counselor, to provide us with discernment.  We need not be worried by the "whisperings of the fiend," or think that we need to control them.  We do as James says and first "submit to God," then "resist the devil and he will flee from you" (James 4:7).

My sins in this department are worrying, fear, and trying to take control.  God didn't give me a spirit of fear; remember 2 Timothy 1:7?  I can't stop someone (even a demon) from attempting to bully me, but I can invoke the name of Christ and resist it.  Thinking that I'm the perpetrator of thoughts I hate is playing into the enemy's lie.  Confessing my worry about it, my fear of it, and my desire to control it enables me to give God back His job as my Rescuer. And I can say right out loud, "God has given me soundness of mind, and you are the Father of Lies.  I choose to walk in the light and truth of Christ." 

Even with soundness of mind I should still seek and ask God for what Paul describes in Philippians 4:8.  He says to meditate, or "think on" what is "true...noble...right...pure...lovely...admirable...excellent...and praiseworthy." We can request that the Holy Spirit to fill our minds with these things because it's what God commands, and we should want to think about such things.  But beware: just because we long for this doesn't mean we are exempt from the enemy's attempts.  In fact, I imagine he will try all the more to throw us off and cause us to believe God must just not be hearing us.  

He is the Father of Lies, remember?  We are mortals on a challenging journey of sanctification.  Go back to what Spurgeon says: if we hate them, the thoughts are not ours.  So, I keep praying Philippians 4:13, thanking God for the sound mind He's already given me, and further asking Him to help my heart fully believe what my head can read in Scripture.  Being "transformed by the renewing of your mind" (Romans 12:2) doesn't mean happy, joyful thoughts all the time.  Spiritual bullies will always seek to steal our joy (John 10:10). I'm seeing that being transformed in my mind means believing I am who Christ says I am, not who the enemy wants me to think I am.  

Jesus lovingly told a woman who was threatened by her accusers, "I am the light of the world.  He who follows Me shall not walk in darkness, but have the light of life" (John 8:12).  He Himself is the light who stamps out darkness; we only have to trust Him, confessing our doubt and fears.  He loves and accepts us as we are, but wants to fight our battles for us. Jesus is the bully silencer, the sound mind-giver.  I am in the process of learning to accept His gift of a sound mind and trust Him as my Rescuer, the Good Shepherd (John 10:11).

A Vile Attack Against My Motherhood

My motherhood and relationship with my children has been under attack since I was a child myself.  If a little girl can be made to feel useless and dirty, then she has the potential to grow into a mother who is easy prey for the enemy's lies. She fears at every turn that her toxicity has seeped into the hearts and minds of her little ones. 

There is a "protector" piece of my heart that usurped God's role as Protector long ago; one who, out of good intentions, felt it was her job to rescue little, helpless me.  My head is understanding that Christ wants to tenderly take my self-created protector and gently sit her down so He can take over what belonged to Him in the first place.  My heart is taking its time getting there, but God knows how to heal my wounds His own way.  David says in Psalm 27, "Wait on the Lord; be of good courage, and He will strengthen your heart; wait, I say, on the Lord." (27:14, my italics).  I also see a perfect picture of God's protection in Psalm 23.  Sometimes it takes a while for my heart to catch up to what my head "knows," but I rest in the fact that God's Word says it, even if I have trouble getting it.  My heart isn't beyond His reach.

There is a balance between awareness of the enemy's schemes to derail us, and being obsessed with how he works.  Christ Himself was looked upon as a target and had apt words for Satan, yet He never feared or went looking for him.  In the preface to The Screwtape Letters, C.S. Lewis notes,

"There are two equal and opposite errors into which our race can fall about the devils.  One is to disbelieve in their existence.  The other is to believe, and to feel an excessive and unhealthy interest in them.  They themselves are equally pleased by both errors and hail a materialist or a magician with the same delight." (Lewis, 1942)

My position is that although most Christ-followers acknowledge the presence of evil, many fail to see the slow, deliberate damage done through the wiles of the enemy and his minions.  We fret and fear, wallowing in guilt and self-condemnation because of the lies he shrewdly weaves into our daily lives.  It is time to expose the darkness and live in the freedom that Christ has given us.  Note that this is not said motivational speaker-style, fist in the air, expecting applause and "Amen!"s.  These are the trenches of the narrow road, calling only those courageous enough to be "refined...but not as silver...tested...in the furnace of affliction" (Isaiah 48:10).  This is walking "through the valley of the shadow of death"-type stuff (Psalm 23:4).  Paul describes it in 2 Corinthians 12:7 as "a thorn in the flesh...a messenger of Satan to buffet me," and begged the Lord "three times" to take it away.  This, brother or sister in Christ, is what we have signed up for.

Because my eyes have been opened to the schemes of the fiend, his maneuvers to scare me and get me to believe lies have kicked up to the varsity level.  I will not relent in making the darkness manifest.  We need to stand up to him, to beat him at his own game.  Charles Spurgeon, the "prince of preachers," wrote in his work, All of Grace,

"'Oh,' said the devil to Martin Luther, 'you are a sinner.'

'Yes,' said he, 'Christ died to save sinners.'  Thus he smote him with his own sword." (From The Essential Works of Charles Spurgeon, published by Barbour Publishing, Inc. Used by permission).

How do we know when the enemy is at work?  Well, we can be sure he is striving at all times to deflate our trust in Christ.  As I said at the beginning of this post, he has ruthlessly attacked the tender areas of my femininity and especially my motherhood.  He seeks not only to cause my failure as a mother, but to make me question God's sovereignty and protection in these areas.

My girls and I have taken an interest in the Titanic.  After reading several books and listening to a fascinating CD, I decided they would enjoy the James Cameron movie from 1997.  Having viewed this picture several times, I was well aware of the inappropriate love scene between Jack and Rose, as well as the scene during which he sketches her nude body.  I felt comfortable enough with navigating us through the unnecessary storylines that Hollywood invariably weaves into otherwise decent plots, and remembered there was a lot of foul language to be muted in the underwater present-day scene.

However, in spite of my efforts to be "protector," forgotten problems slipped in.  When the nude sketch of Rose is discovered in the beginning of the movie, it is placed in water and shown.  Somehow I had not recalled this, and maybe thought it was only her face that we would see this early in the movie.  At any rate, as the camera panned farther down the drawing of Rose's naked, provocative body, I couldn't fumble fast enough to forward us through the scene.  Thinking that would be my only blunder, we watched on...until the scene happened where Jack takes out his sketch book and Rose flips through the pages.  I only remembered seeing a woman dressed in an old coat and wearing pearls; imagine my horror when Rose flipped to a page revealing nude women!  Strike two, and it was too late to take it back.  

What I had intended to use as an illustration of our favorite historical topic ended up providing a different kind of education to my young girls.  And make no mistake, the enemy had a field day.  "What kind of mother exposes her children to this?" I asked myself.  No...the enemy said it, and I believed it.  "They were innocent until I allowed them to watch that." And the implication is that I set out to pollute their minds...because I'm toxic, remember?

Now, I know that we cannot shelter our children from all the horrible things on television and out in public.  But I was having a terrible time not believing the lies that "I've seen this movie countless times.  How could I not know that part was coming up?  They'll see these images forever.  They're scarred for life.  Their thinking will be warped.  I'm exposing my children to porn.  I could've stopped it if I had moved faster.  Other mothers may mess up, but never like this." Even when I felt the Holy Spirit tell me to "fear not," and the Lord said to me in a dream that He remembers my iniquities no more, and my girls will remember this no more, still I couldn't allow myself complete peace.  Why?

Again, the enemy has woven his sick web of dirtiness around me for a long time.  One day when this was particularly eating away at me, I asked God for help in allowing me to see the deeper issue.  I saw little girl-me having access to dirty magazines, and wondering why pretty ladies like those were posing for cameras without their clothes on.  Little girl was confused as to why men would want to look at that, and oh no!  I just saw it, so I must be unclean.  The memory of it was painful and when counselor-friend asked me to "feel" it again, I wasn't sure I could go there.  

See, the enemy was there long ago, making a little girl feel vile and confused, preparing her to be a mother and experience those feelings double by convincing her that now, her children would also feel gross and by the way...it's because of her.  He will pull the vilest plans out of the gutter and relish in using them not only against us, but also against our children.  And while another mother might have had the same situation happen to her, if she has a healthy history and doesn't fear contaminating her children, she might just say, "Oops!" and move on.

God can redeem anything.  Remember Romans 8:28?  It's not just for coffee cups.  "All things working for good" isn't always rosy and pretty.  He takes the ugly and exposes it.  He is bringing my fears and the lies I've believed to the surface and lovingly having me face them in order to make my heart whole.  We can't just panic in the face of the enemy's web; we have to do as Martin Luther did, and smite him with his own sword.

Back to the nude scenes.  It might not have been the day I would've chosen, but God allowed me to have some sensitive talks with my girls.  I explained that God designed their bodies beautifully.  It's okay for me to help them when they need it, and for the doctor to examine them, but other than that, those bodies are being saved for their wedding nights one day in the future.  That wedding night will be special, and their husbands will be chosen especially for them by God.  Sadly, there are women who will believe that it's okay to take off their clothes for any man, and they will do things like be drawn or photographed.  I asked them, is it ever okay to allow anyone other than the ones we've mentioned to see you naked?  After their resounding "No!", I reminded them that I was sorry they had to see those scenes, and they can always ask me about anything.

Since that day, not only does the enemy continue to attempt to throw guilty feelings at me, he tries to make me fear the contamination of my girls' purity.  He puts scary images in my mind of things that sick people could do to them, and seeks to make me afraid to help them with normal, everyday things like drying off after a shower.  If he can make a mother back off in areas important to her children's upbringing, sacred areas like a girl's view of her body, then he could make my girls wonder, "What's wrong with me that causes my mom to back off?  I must be bad in some way." Again, we're not talking about fluffy "I'm in a valley"-type Christianity here.  This is war.

Sharing this with whoever wants to read it is nothing I take lightly.  I feel like I'm the one who's naked, bearing myself and my soul before everyone.  It's too important to not do it, though.  My head knows that I'm not crazy, that I'm not toxic to my kids or anyone else, and that I don't think the horrible thoughts the Father of Lies puts before me.  

As I said, God is getting me to a place where my heart will believe it, too.  It requires a little girl learning all over again that she is beautiful in His eyes because He made her that way.  It means that she will have to run the race with perseverance, and spit in the face of the serpent who seeks to keep her where she's been for so long.  It means trust, something she never learned to do.  It means hanging on to Jesus's every word of, "The thief does not come except to steal, and to kill, and to destroy.  I have come that they may have life, and that they may have it to the full" (John 10:11).  It means allowing Him to love me through this, and move my heart toward knowing Him as Protector through the harrowing experience I know as sanctification.

The War Against the Father of Lies

We walk onto a battlefield as soon as our feet hit the floor in the morning, and stand with bullets flying around us all day long.  Satan is God's enemy, so he is out to destroy anyone who is a Christ follower.  If you decide to go the way of Jesus, I mean love the things He loves and detest the things of the world, be assured you will face torment.  Paul wrote to the Ephesians, "For we do not wrestle against flesh and blood, but against principalities, against powers, against the rulers of darkness of this age, against spiritual hosts of wickedness..." (6:12, NKJV). 

We are at war.  Satan, a fallen angel and the leader of demons, is labeled by Christ Himself as "a murderer from the beginning [who] does not stand in the truth, because there is no truth in him...he is a liar and the father of it [lies]." (John 8:44). He is neither omnipotent nor omnipresent; as he seeks to undo those who love Jesus, he relies on the help of legions of evil spirits, or demons, to do the job for him.  A "yes" to Christ is a guarantee that one of these fiends will begin relentless pursuit.  Jesus Himself was not exempt: "And He was there in the wilderness forty days, tempted by Satan, and was with the wild beasts." (Mark 1:13).  There is nothing we experience on earth that Almighty God cannot comprehend.

Note that the enemy's tactics can range from benign to utterly vile.  We allow ourselves to be victims every day without even realizing it.  Have you ever said anything like, "This is going to sound stupid, but...," or "I need to get it into my thick head that...," or "I must've looked (or sounded) crazy."?  Condemnation is not from God; it is from the enemy, no matter how subtle.  Mental gymnastics, even if they are over whether or not you really do deserve that late fee added to the water bill, come from the devil.  He coaches his demons to drive us nuts, and we unknowingly indulge it.  As long as our minds aren't concentrating on Christ, he doesn't care what the distraction is.

Then there are what should be called blatant maneuvers, although we're desensitized.  I will tweak them to show how the enemy uses them: temptation to talk about others, pornography at the click of a mouse, one drink over your limit, thinking it's okay to wear revealing clothing, allowing society to steal our common sense about raising children, money spent unwisely, squandering God-given time, self-promotion on social media, convincing ourselves it's okay to "break the rules" over a technicality, copies of Cosmo on the rack screaming at people about better sex, rampant off-color humor, "Don't Sweat the Small Stuff," "God wants to give you a blessing!" from a TV swindler, hustling children to insane amounts of activities, self-esteem in place of self-respect, a glance at someone else's spouse, "Man, I wish I had their house."  The enemy is in the world to demolish marriages, convince us to believe lies, pervert the union of husband and wife that God designed, make sex dirty, and pollute everything good.  Because he hates us, he hates our children.  We are in serious war.

My sister in Christ and I did battle last night against attacks that both our families are experiencing.  And for the record: while believers in Christ are indeed tormented, we cannot be demon-possessed.  Although this does happen, those who are in Christ are indwelled by the Holy Spirit.  While the enemy might attempt to make us think this is the case, it can't be.  So, back to fleshing this out in life, my pal and I were on the phone doing battle last night for over an hour.  She called and brought darkness caused by the enemy into the light, and I was able to do the same.  We are safe havens for each other, image-bearers who understand the enemy's aim.  

This is an ideal time to state that we need not be afraid of Satan's tactics.  It is everything to seek discernment about them so we can see them in their true light, but there is no attempt by the evil one that Christ's shed blood did not cover.  When He drank the cup of God's wrath, he felt the pain of everything.  Jesus proclaims, "In this world you will have tribulation, but be of good cheer.  I have overcome the world." (John 16:33).  His word is truth, the opposite of Satan's.  It is our weapon, "living and powerful, sharper than any two-edged sword...a discerner of the thoughts and intents of the heart." (Hebrews 4:12). It's the job of Scripture, not Satan, to set us straight...and we get to use it to set him straight!

A new way in which I'm learning to combat these lies is to make them known.  Shame and pride, by the way, are yet another arrow of the enemy.  Surely you don't think anyone else goes through this, or understands what the enemy has put before you (tone dripping with honey-like sarcasm from the devil)?  Paul tells the Ephesians, "Have no fellowship with the unfruitful works of darkness, but rather expose them...all things that are exposed are made manifest by the light, for whatever makes manifest is light" (5:11, 13).  God is giving me courage to bring darkness into light.  I'm over the enemy's destruction and what it does to our hearts, minds, marriages, children, families, and culture.  The things we have accepted are far from okay, and it's time to bring this to the surface.

I delighted in doing this last night with my dear friend.  We felt Christ delighting in two broken sisters, crying out to Him on behalf of what is sacred, calling the Father of Lies out on the destruction he has wrought upon us.  My pal could have easily believed a demon's attempt to convince her that she should be ashamed, that I wouldn't understand, but she valiantly laid her wounds out for us to take up together and place before our Creator whose Name is above all names.  Jesus states, "Behold, I give you the authority...over all the power of the enemy, and nothing shall by any means hurt you" (Luke 10:19).  

Please mark that this is not fluffy, feel-good Christianity.  Verses on coffee cups will turn into real life.  The God of the universe wants to purge us and sharpen us "for His name's sake" (Psalm 23:3), and "no chastening seems to be joyful for the present, but painful" (Hebrews 12:11).  Peter says, "Be sober and vigilant, because your adversary the devil walks about like a roaring lion, seeking whom he may devour." (1 Peter 5:8).  As my counselor-friend says, sooner or later, our heart theology has to meet our head theology.  Walking with Christ is more than finishing Chapter 2 of the women's Bible study book.  It is imperative that we do battle for our hearts, minds, marriages, children, friends, and culture.  I'm beginning to see it as a privilege.  I get to fight for the glory and honor of God, for what is good, true, noble, right, pure, lovely, admirable, excellent, and praiseworthy (Philippians 4:8).  The enemy is so threatened by true Christ-followers that he deems us worthy of destruction, and it's not an option to lighten up on him.

What this looks like is finding someone, I suggest one or two trusted, godly people, and having the courage to say out loud how the enemy is seeking to destroy you.  It can be frightening to reach down and pull darkness into light, but once there, darkness cannot exist.  Go into that black room and flip the light switch, and revel in what happens.  Confess your fears to a trusted person, and fall on your knees before your Maker who knows all about it.  Be unafraid to speak bring lies into the light.  The more we engage in this, the more courage abounds, and the fear is shifted to the one who deserves it, the evil one bringing havoc.  

This is not an overnight process; lies and/or habits take time to heal.  Continuing to proclaim God's truth aloud, and confessing our troubles to each other, clamoring out to the One who formed us, brings about the sanctification that is harrowingly beautiful.  When David was struggling, he was able to say, "Oh, taste and see that the Lord is good; blessed is the man who trusts in Him!" (Psalm 34:8, my italics).  It is only through tasting, or "know[ing] Him and the power of His resurrection, and the fellowship of His sufferings" (Philippians 3:10) that we are able to see, and call ourselves Christ-followers.  

Do this battle with me.  We have no choice, really: Jesus or Satan.  Fight, cry, pray, quote the Word, don't allow the darkness to hide.  God's way is worth the fight, and it's worth giving Him the glory.

Broken-Hearted

I am broken and battle-weary.  Most people have no idea, as I haven't a clue about their wounds, either.  God has given me a counselor-friend, an older, godly person who helps heal wounds with his gifts of discernment, patience, and hearing from God.  He once told me that we see today through the eyes of our past.  That explains a lot.

No matter how many times I bring out my shovel to cover over past wounds, they don't disappear.  I'm learning that being afraid to face the past only keeps me in bondage.  Christ was there, He always has been, even in those moments long ago when I was alone (or so I thought).  Counselor-friend is encouraging me to go back to those dark, frightening times, because the only way to bring darkness into light is to actually face that darkness first.  We have to go back and allow ourselves to find Christ there, and let Him be our Rescuer.  If I face today and tomorrow through ideas formed from past experiences, then the way to get out of today's chains is to go back to yesterday's hurts.

Incidentally, I'm not ashamed about seeking counsel from someone who understands these things.  My counselor-friend, a longtime pastor, devotes his retirement days to healing hearts.  I will refer in these posts to him often.  He helps me hear and process the Word, God's still, quiet voice, and the lies of the enemy I've believed too long.  God bestows the utmost patience on me through him, and he and I are on the journey of growth, sanctification, and healing together.  I thank God for him.

I cannot recall a time that the enemy wasn't spinning a web of lies around me.  He can take a little girl and ingrain a cacophony of lies deep into her heart:

     "You're not good enough for that."

     "You're no one special."

     "You're vile and dirty."

     "You serve no purpose."

     "You're white trash."

     "Everyone is looking at you."

     "There's something abnormal about your appearance."

     "You have no common sense."

     "You're unlovable."

     "You're not worth getting to know."

     "Joy in life is for others, not you."

And continue into her years as an adult, where the lies morph into:

     "You're a terrible wife."

     "You're going to traumatize your children."

     "You're still dirty and vile."

     "You're toxic and you poison people."

     "Everyone is still sizing you up."

     "You sounded so stupid."

     "It's your job to keep everything going."

     "They probably thought you sounded like such an idiot."

     "You should be paranoid about your kids' safety."

     "If anyone knew what you were thinking, they'd think you were dirty."

This is total torment.  It's not what Paul meant in Galatians 5:1 when he wrote that it is for freedom that Christ shed His blood and made us free, so "...do not be entangled again with a yoke of bondage." (NKJV).  I am a believer in Christ still in the chains of slavery because there is a piece of my heart that doesn't yet trust Him, and what is our command? "You shall love the Lord your God with ALL your heart..." (Luke 10:27).  A broken heart is unable to fully love God.

My only choice is to fight for the little girl who believed all the lies from so long ago.  She is worth getting to know, and she's worth healing.  I have shed buckets of tears not only for the adult me, but now for the younger, confused me.  I was asked how that little girl feels about Jesus, and realized that she doesn't know Him.  Yes, I now know him, but the little one who first believed the lies didn't....and probably still doesn't.  This may be the beginning of bringing that unbelieving piece of my heart back together with the others.

I need to do some time travel and get to know that little girl.  It's painful to feel her hurts again.  It's beautiful to see the gifts God gave her to cushion her pain.  This wrecks me, completely saps me of energy, and threatens to produce endless tears sometimes.  I must face my burdens head-on in order to lay them down for good.  I'm not there yet, but I've started with no turning back.  Progress is slow, scary, but undoubtedly sweet. In order to love God with my whole heart, I must learn to love a little girl I was forced to despise.  We are promised, "The Lord is close to the brokenhearted, and saves those who are crushed in spirit." (Psalm 34:18, NIV).  Since I fit that description, I choose to walk through the pain and believe this promise.