Heart Wounds

The intent of this blog is to be real, to share my life with anyone who will listen in hopes that we can do life together. Sometimes my posts are funny and cute, but right now I'm feeling raw. Something happened today to make me reexamine the broken pieces of my heart. 

I am not ashamed to tell people that my life has been (and is) messy and that I desperately need Christ to enlighten my darkness. I've lived so long wearing masks and pretending, mainly because I had no idea who God made me to be. For almost a year and a half, I have sought deep, scary healing with the help of my counselor-friend, pressing into Jesus, and asking Him to show me who I really am in light of Who He is. 

My counselor-friend gets it because he himself has been "to hell and back sideways," as he says. Reading "get wisdom" in Proverbs 4:7 is one thing; actually pursuing this, whatever the cost, is altogether scary. The blow that caused a wound hurt in the first place; ripping off the scab to allow it to breathe and heal properly can seem like torture all over again. I'm convinced that's why most folks keep masks on; the experience of taking them off can be unspeakably grueling.

Today I realized that in spite of how far I've come in my healing and rebuilding process, there's still a large chunk of my heart that's broken: the part that has to do with my motherhood. An incident occurred that made me feel irresponsible and negligent. As I wept under the strain of a head that knows it's a lie but heart that still isn't fully convinced, I made the same request before God that I've been making for over a year: "Lord, show me the lies I'm believing, and the parts of my heart that still need healing." It was obvious: my heart believes that I am a mother who puts my children in harm's way. It's a harrowing burden to carry.

I am not at liberty on this blog to discuss the parts of my past that have led to my believing this lie, but I will share that they have indeed been brought into the light. The enemy can't stand it, so he works ever harder to keep me in bondage. When I say the lie out loud, "I'm an irresponsible, negligent mother who intentionally puts her children in harm's way," it sounds ridiculous...because it's a lie. The thing is, my head can use reasoning, but my heart is a different story. When we're commanded to "get wisdom," it's no easy task; it involves revisiting the past, turning darkness into light, a marathon and not a sprint. Again, our culture (not even the "Christian" culture) doesn't encourage this kind of slow, painful, organic, only-the-Holy-Spirit-can-do-it growth from the inside out. 

Someone I love pointed out today that I should've done something differently, and that I needed to "be more careful." It had to do with my children, and it tore me up. What I heard was that I'm not careful. Is it true...am I not careful, irresponsible, and negligent? My head says no, but my heart still believes it. In fact, not a night has passed since my kids were born that I haven't had the enemy standing before me accusing, fear-mongering, and lying:

"Hold that baby extra tightly...this is how she will look falling down the stairs."

"Look how she's sweating in her pajamas...you could've caused her to overheat."

"What kind of mother allows her kid to see the scene in that movie that you didn't manage to fast-foward?"

"You turned when that car was coming...imagine it crashing into your kids, ending their lives, because of your stupidity."

"Remember that tone you used with your girl this morning? You crushed your kids."

"You didn't cover yourself up fast enough when your kid barged into the bathroom...you pervert!"

"What kind of mother lets her kid keep playing tennis with a metal racket...didn't you hear that thunder?"

"Why didn't you wait till you could see a little farther ahead, instead of gunning it around that tractor that was going 20mph? What were you thinking?"

"You let them play foosball at the pool with a kid who throws around the word 'freaking'? You need to mind better who you let them be around."

"How dare you see your kid running naked down the hall...again, you pervert!"

"Feel paranoid...all these people are kidnappers who want to sell your children to the trafficking industry."

"The reason your kid scored below average on that testing section is because you're not teaching her well enough....you let her down."

These are only a few examples of what the devil tries with me every day, every night. Why does he do it? Because the enemy hates anything God designs, anything that is good. The relationship between parents and children is just one of those things. (It's not all he attacks, either; it's just the piece of my heart that has taken longest to heal). He does it because my heart believes it. He does it because he knows that I mess up, and it's almost impossible for me to forgive myself. The devil loves to take my mess-ups and brokenness and make me think that they are what I am: horrible, toxic, "negligent," "irresponsible," a ruiner of the lives of my children. The reality is that we all make mistakes; the Holy Spirit lovingly convicts and leads us to repentance, while the enemy accuses and brings guilt. I just need for my heart to truly know it.

I told the Lord today that I almost needed the "episode" that occurred so I could see how deeply wounded this piece of my heart is, and how desperate I am for Him to help me. Don't believe for one second that being a Christian means an instant heart change; no, no, NO! Friends, this is a hard, messy, what-the-heck-did-I-sign-up-for kind of walk. That's how we know it's real, and that only Christ's work on the cross can make its crookedness straight. 

Pray for me as I take seriously what Paul told Timothy, to "fight the good fight of the faith" (1 Timothy 6:12). Did you notice the word fight? That's what it is, a battle: hard, gruesome, harrowing, terrible. Except....God's way involves a "good" fight. Sounds like an oxymoron, doesn't it? I've found that God's ways are so contrary to my own, that's how I know I'm standing with Him. He is counterculture; His way is often that of tough love. 

Allow grace for those around you who seem to do "mental gymnastics." The mind isn't actually to blame; the heart is the "wellspring of life" (Proverbs 4:32). Mine has taken a beating over the years and lies have become rooted. It's no easy task to uproot all the tangles and get back to truth, but it's a "good fight." I have to choose to call it that because God's Word does, and faith chooses to believe that one day, this heart will be completely healed. Until then, I wait expectantly, pressing into Christ, being transparent for His sake, calling out the Father of Lies, and believing that the Holy Spirit is renewing me every day (2 Corinthians 4:16).