Why I Don't Need to "Forgive Myself"

Do you find yourself doing as a friend once put it, "Taking old skeletons out of the closet and dancing with them," even after you've asked for forgiveness over and over? I sure do. Why are we in this rut of hanging onto sin and regret, even once we've taken it to God, and even repented? Why can't we let it go?

I've meditated, studied, and talked to God for a long time about this topic. "Lord," I say, help me to believe Psalm 103 with my heart, not just my head. Take the piece of my heart that still has trouble really believing that I'm forgiven." When I take the same sins over and over to the Lord, I know He doesn't remember them. The question is, Why do I harp over them so much?

Tim Keller has a sermon from 1991 in which he addresses this topic, quoting R.C. Sproul, who says that if we suffer from it, it's because "....you're going about your salvation the Smith Barney way; you want to earn it." My biggest issue here, Sproul says, is my pride. He states that it's like saying, "I've got this myself, and I don't need Christ's bleeding charity." Major ouch.

So, now add pride to the list, on top of the heart problem of not being able to "forgive myself." And that's where John Piper comes in. He has much to say on this subject, especially in his short discussion, "Should We Learn to Forgive Ourselves?"  The real issue is, I don't need to learn to "forgive myself" at all, but to receive Christ's redemption on the cross.

A big struggle for me is, ok, I've gotten "forgiveness," but what about the possible ramifications of certain mistakes I've made? The Lord is working on me big-time to see that He handles all of this too. In fact, I had a nudge just today that I can be free to not remember these things at all, because they're not there...the same way that God sees (or, actually, doesn't see!) them now! If I'm going to quote 1 John 1:9 to my children, I'd better ask the Lord to let me believe it deep down myself: "If we confess our sins, He is faithful and just to forgive us our sins, and cleanse us from all unrighteousness." And while I'm at it, what about the aforementioned Psalm 103? "Who forgives us from all our iniquities...As far as the east is from the west, so far has He removed our transgressions from us." (verses 3 and 12, my emphasis).

But back to Piper...Here is the gist of his talk:

"Forgiveness is a wronged person forgiving a wronging person, not a wronging person forgiving a wronging person."

"If Jack insults me, and I forgive Jack, why would Jack forgive Jack, when he didn't insult Jack?"

"The Corinthians felt a godly grief (remorse, sorrow); they wronged, and asked forgiveness."

"When people speak of the need to 'forgive themselves,' they mean the need to move through worldly grief over sin to godly grief over sin, and beyond, into life-giving freedom. The difference is moving out of death-giving condemnation to life-giving acceptance of God's no-condemnation."

"The Biblical way out of this self-condemnation is to humble ourselves and admit that we have no right to take the role of judge and pronounce the death sentence on ourselves. That's pride, to think that we can hear God's verdict of 'not guilty,' or our friend's verdict, 'I forgive you,' and we refuse it and set ourselves up as the new judge, and pronounce a death sentence over ourselves. The Biblical problem with that is...an arrogant failure to trust in the free verdict of God: 'No condemnation!'"

"Let's humble ourselves and step down off the judge's seat, and let God be God in His pronouncement of 'No condemnation.'"

This morning I was praying about this very thing as I found myself falling into the trap of feeling like I had to do penance for stuff that Christ's blood has forgiven....and on Good Friday, of all days! I imagined a young me, crouched at His grimy, bloody feet, and I told Him I wanted to feel His rough feet, and even the hard nail driven through them. 

I was really struggling, when the Holy Spirit provided me a simple illustration, one that took me by surprise. Meet my high school principal, Mr. Clarke, "honcho" of the whole place...ahem...twenty-something years ago: 

Suppose, as a high-schooler,  I approach Mr. Clarke with a request: something I desperately want, yet don't deserve (let's say, being excused from class). The principal has the authority to make the call--I don't--and he actually says yes! However, I continue to convince myself that his "okay" isn't good enough. I feel the need to "really earn" his approval, and do something to work toward the "yes," even though he's already given it. Mr. Clarke made the decision as the one who has the authority, and he won't hold over my head that he has given me the okay without my earning it. In fact, it's actually his pleasure to grant my request, and it's my job to receive it freely as a gift, with no guilt. (Note: I cannot compare God to anyone or anything, and I'm not daring to say that my principal or any human is equal to Him. This is simply an illustration I feel was provided to help me see more clearly). 

Back to the present, I feel like my "badness" prevents forgiveness, as if it depended on my actions...in other words, my "performance." As someone I look up to says, if certain things I've done can't be redeemed, God "doesn't get to be God." It's not up to me to be in charge of my own forgiveness! "While we were yet sinners, Christ died for us" (Romans 5:8, again my emphasis). Christ has the authority to forgive and redeem me and my situations. As with the Mr. Clarke illustration, it's not my call to make. The authority rests on the One and only Savior who calls all the shots. I go to Him in humble submission, trusting Him to be God, because I don't hold that title.

On Good Friday, I choose to remember Him on the tree, bruised, rejected, spit on, mocked, humiliated, because He had the authority to lay down His life. He did it for me and all my junk, so I can be free to stop dancing with those skeletons. Amen!

Thanks to Abby at Little Birdie Blessings for this beautiful graphic!

The War Against the Father of Lies

We walk onto a battlefield as soon as our feet hit the floor in the morning, and stand with bullets flying around us all day long.  Satan is God's enemy, so he is out to destroy anyone who is a Christ follower.  If you decide to go the way of Jesus, I mean love the things He loves and detest the things of the world, be assured you will face torment.  Paul wrote to the Ephesians, "For we do not wrestle against flesh and blood, but against principalities, against powers, against the rulers of darkness of this age, against spiritual hosts of wickedness..." (6:12, NKJV). 

We are at war.  Satan, a fallen angel and the leader of demons, is labeled by Christ Himself as "a murderer from the beginning [who] does not stand in the truth, because there is no truth in him...he is a liar and the father of it [lies]." (John 8:44). He is neither omnipotent nor omnipresent; as he seeks to undo those who love Jesus, he relies on the help of legions of evil spirits, or demons, to do the job for him.  A "yes" to Christ is a guarantee that one of these fiends will begin relentless pursuit.  Jesus Himself was not exempt: "And He was there in the wilderness forty days, tempted by Satan, and was with the wild beasts." (Mark 1:13).  There is nothing we experience on earth that Almighty God cannot comprehend.

Note that the enemy's tactics can range from benign to utterly vile.  We allow ourselves to be victims every day without even realizing it.  Have you ever said anything like, "This is going to sound stupid, but...," or "I need to get it into my thick head that...," or "I must've looked (or sounded) crazy."?  Condemnation is not from God; it is from the enemy, no matter how subtle.  Mental gymnastics, even if they are over whether or not you really do deserve that late fee added to the water bill, come from the devil.  He coaches his demons to drive us nuts, and we unknowingly indulge it.  As long as our minds aren't concentrating on Christ, he doesn't care what the distraction is.

Then there are what should be called blatant maneuvers, although we're desensitized.  I will tweak them to show how the enemy uses them: temptation to talk about others, pornography at the click of a mouse, one drink over your limit, thinking it's okay to wear revealing clothing, allowing society to steal our common sense about raising children, money spent unwisely, squandering God-given time, self-promotion on social media, convincing ourselves it's okay to "break the rules" over a technicality, copies of Cosmo on the rack screaming at people about better sex, rampant off-color humor, "Don't Sweat the Small Stuff," "God wants to give you a blessing!" from a TV swindler, hustling children to insane amounts of activities, self-esteem in place of self-respect, a glance at someone else's spouse, "Man, I wish I had their house."  The enemy is in the world to demolish marriages, convince us to believe lies, pervert the union of husband and wife that God designed, make sex dirty, and pollute everything good.  Because he hates us, he hates our children.  We are in serious war.

My sister in Christ and I did battle last night against attacks that both our families are experiencing.  And for the record: while believers in Christ are indeed tormented, we cannot be demon-possessed.  Although this does happen, those who are in Christ are indwelled by the Holy Spirit.  While the enemy might attempt to make us think this is the case, it can't be.  So, back to fleshing this out in life, my pal and I were on the phone doing battle last night for over an hour.  She called and brought darkness caused by the enemy into the light, and I was able to do the same.  We are safe havens for each other, image-bearers who understand the enemy's aim.  

This is an ideal time to state that we need not be afraid of Satan's tactics.  It is everything to seek discernment about them so we can see them in their true light, but there is no attempt by the evil one that Christ's shed blood did not cover.  When He drank the cup of God's wrath, he felt the pain of everything.  Jesus proclaims, "In this world you will have tribulation, but be of good cheer.  I have overcome the world." (John 16:33).  His word is truth, the opposite of Satan's.  It is our weapon, "living and powerful, sharper than any two-edged sword...a discerner of the thoughts and intents of the heart." (Hebrews 4:12). It's the job of Scripture, not Satan, to set us straight...and we get to use it to set him straight!

A new way in which I'm learning to combat these lies is to make them known.  Shame and pride, by the way, are yet another arrow of the enemy.  Surely you don't think anyone else goes through this, or understands what the enemy has put before you (tone dripping with honey-like sarcasm from the devil)?  Paul tells the Ephesians, "Have no fellowship with the unfruitful works of darkness, but rather expose them...all things that are exposed are made manifest by the light, for whatever makes manifest is light" (5:11, 13).  God is giving me courage to bring darkness into light.  I'm over the enemy's destruction and what it does to our hearts, minds, marriages, children, families, and culture.  The things we have accepted are far from okay, and it's time to bring this to the surface.

I delighted in doing this last night with my dear friend.  We felt Christ delighting in two broken sisters, crying out to Him on behalf of what is sacred, calling the Father of Lies out on the destruction he has wrought upon us.  My pal could have easily believed a demon's attempt to convince her that she should be ashamed, that I wouldn't understand, but she valiantly laid her wounds out for us to take up together and place before our Creator whose Name is above all names.  Jesus states, "Behold, I give you the authority...over all the power of the enemy, and nothing shall by any means hurt you" (Luke 10:19).  

Please mark that this is not fluffy, feel-good Christianity.  Verses on coffee cups will turn into real life.  The God of the universe wants to purge us and sharpen us "for His name's sake" (Psalm 23:3), and "no chastening seems to be joyful for the present, but painful" (Hebrews 12:11).  Peter says, "Be sober and vigilant, because your adversary the devil walks about like a roaring lion, seeking whom he may devour." (1 Peter 5:8).  As my counselor-friend says, sooner or later, our heart theology has to meet our head theology.  Walking with Christ is more than finishing Chapter 2 of the women's Bible study book.  It is imperative that we do battle for our hearts, minds, marriages, children, friends, and culture.  I'm beginning to see it as a privilege.  I get to fight for the glory and honor of God, for what is good, true, noble, right, pure, lovely, admirable, excellent, and praiseworthy (Philippians 4:8).  The enemy is so threatened by true Christ-followers that he deems us worthy of destruction, and it's not an option to lighten up on him.

What this looks like is finding someone, I suggest one or two trusted, godly people, and having the courage to say out loud how the enemy is seeking to destroy you.  It can be frightening to reach down and pull darkness into light, but once there, darkness cannot exist.  Go into that black room and flip the light switch, and revel in what happens.  Confess your fears to a trusted person, and fall on your knees before your Maker who knows all about it.  Be unafraid to speak bring lies into the light.  The more we engage in this, the more courage abounds, and the fear is shifted to the one who deserves it, the evil one bringing havoc.  

This is not an overnight process; lies and/or habits take time to heal.  Continuing to proclaim God's truth aloud, and confessing our troubles to each other, clamoring out to the One who formed us, brings about the sanctification that is harrowingly beautiful.  When David was struggling, he was able to say, "Oh, taste and see that the Lord is good; blessed is the man who trusts in Him!" (Psalm 34:8, my italics).  It is only through tasting, or "know[ing] Him and the power of His resurrection, and the fellowship of His sufferings" (Philippians 3:10) that we are able to see, and call ourselves Christ-followers.  

Do this battle with me.  We have no choice, really: Jesus or Satan.  Fight, cry, pray, quote the Word, don't allow the darkness to hide.  God's way is worth the fight, and it's worth giving Him the glory.