Why I Don't Need to "Forgive Myself"

Do you find yourself doing as a friend once put it, "Taking old skeletons out of the closet and dancing with them," even after you've asked for forgiveness over and over? I sure do. Why are we in this rut of hanging onto sin and regret, even once we've taken it to God, and even repented? Why can't we let it go?

I've meditated, studied, and talked to God for a long time about this topic. "Lord," I say, help me to believe Psalm 103 with my heart, not just my head. Take the piece of my heart that still has trouble really believing that I'm forgiven." When I take the same sins over and over to the Lord, I know He doesn't remember them. The question is, Why do I harp over them so much?

Tim Keller has a sermon from 1991 in which he addresses this topic, quoting R.C. Sproul, who says that if we suffer from it, it's because "....you're going about your salvation the Smith Barney way; you want to earn it." My biggest issue here, Sproul says, is my pride. He states that it's like saying, "I've got this myself, and I don't need Christ's bleeding charity." Major ouch.

So, now add pride to the list, on top of the heart problem of not being able to "forgive myself." And that's where John Piper comes in. He has much to say on this subject, especially in his short discussion, "Should We Learn to Forgive Ourselves?"  The real issue is, I don't need to learn to "forgive myself" at all, but to receive Christ's redemption on the cross.

A big struggle for me is, ok, I've gotten "forgiveness," but what about the possible ramifications of certain mistakes I've made? The Lord is working on me big-time to see that He handles all of this too. In fact, I had a nudge just today that I can be free to not remember these things at all, because they're not there...the same way that God sees (or, actually, doesn't see!) them now! If I'm going to quote 1 John 1:9 to my children, I'd better ask the Lord to let me believe it deep down myself: "If we confess our sins, He is faithful and just to forgive us our sins, and cleanse us from all unrighteousness." And while I'm at it, what about the aforementioned Psalm 103? "Who forgives us from all our iniquities...As far as the east is from the west, so far has He removed our transgressions from us." (verses 3 and 12, my emphasis).

But back to Piper...Here is the gist of his talk:

"Forgiveness is a wronged person forgiving a wronging person, not a wronging person forgiving a wronging person."

"If Jack insults me, and I forgive Jack, why would Jack forgive Jack, when he didn't insult Jack?"

"The Corinthians felt a godly grief (remorse, sorrow); they wronged, and asked forgiveness."

"When people speak of the need to 'forgive themselves,' they mean the need to move through worldly grief over sin to godly grief over sin, and beyond, into life-giving freedom. The difference is moving out of death-giving condemnation to life-giving acceptance of God's no-condemnation."

"The Biblical way out of this self-condemnation is to humble ourselves and admit that we have no right to take the role of judge and pronounce the death sentence on ourselves. That's pride, to think that we can hear God's verdict of 'not guilty,' or our friend's verdict, 'I forgive you,' and we refuse it and set ourselves up as the new judge, and pronounce a death sentence over ourselves. The Biblical problem with that is...an arrogant failure to trust in the free verdict of God: 'No condemnation!'"

"Let's humble ourselves and step down off the judge's seat, and let God be God in His pronouncement of 'No condemnation.'"

This morning I was praying about this very thing as I found myself falling into the trap of feeling like I had to do penance for stuff that Christ's blood has forgiven....and on Good Friday, of all days! I imagined a young me, crouched at His grimy, bloody feet, and I told Him I wanted to feel His rough feet, and even the hard nail driven through them. 

I was really struggling, when the Holy Spirit provided me a simple illustration, one that took me by surprise. Meet my high school principal, Mr. Clarke, "honcho" of the whole place...ahem...twenty-something years ago: 

Suppose, as a high-schooler,  I approach Mr. Clarke with a request: something I desperately want, yet don't deserve (let's say, being excused from class). The principal has the authority to make the call--I don't--and he actually says yes! However, I continue to convince myself that his "okay" isn't good enough. I feel the need to "really earn" his approval, and do something to work toward the "yes," even though he's already given it. Mr. Clarke made the decision as the one who has the authority, and he won't hold over my head that he has given me the okay without my earning it. In fact, it's actually his pleasure to grant my request, and it's my job to receive it freely as a gift, with no guilt. (Note: I cannot compare God to anyone or anything, and I'm not daring to say that my principal or any human is equal to Him. This is simply an illustration I feel was provided to help me see more clearly). 

Back to the present, I feel like my "badness" prevents forgiveness, as if it depended on my actions...in other words, my "performance." As someone I look up to says, if certain things I've done can't be redeemed, God "doesn't get to be God." It's not up to me to be in charge of my own forgiveness! "While we were yet sinners, Christ died for us" (Romans 5:8, again my emphasis). Christ has the authority to forgive and redeem me and my situations. As with the Mr. Clarke illustration, it's not my call to make. The authority rests on the One and only Savior who calls all the shots. I go to Him in humble submission, trusting Him to be God, because I don't hold that title.

On Good Friday, I choose to remember Him on the tree, bruised, rejected, spit on, mocked, humiliated, because He had the authority to lay down His life. He did it for me and all my junk, so I can be free to stop dancing with those skeletons. Amen!

Thanks to Abby at Little Birdie Blessings for this beautiful graphic!