Forgiveness & Evangelism

These are two of many areas that stretch my faith greatly: forgiveness and evangelism. Forgiveness, meaning my understanding that through Christ, I'm forgiven; evangelism, as in how wimpy I can be when I don't allow God's help in telling others about Him.

I've come to depend on Psalm 103. The area around it in my Bible is crinkled with tear stains. I feel like I'm often on these pages because of my desperate plea to God to help me understand that I'm forgiven. Verse 3 clearly states that the Lord "...forgives all your iniquities," yet my heart doesn't truly believe this applies to me. When I admit it out loud, it sounds ridiculous: Christ's blood is able to cover all the sins of the world...except for mine. Not only is it a preposterous lie, it's prideful. I'm not above the God of the universe's healing.

Satan knows that I buy into taunts of my being unforgivable, that I brood over and revisit past transgressions time and again. The Holy Spirit is working on my heart greatly in this area. I hear the enemy voice jeering, "How could you? What kind of mother/wife/friend/Christian are you?" and I choose to fall into his trap rather than believing God. Why is it so hard?? Because strongholds can be grueling and time consuming to break, and because we don't always trust that God is for our good in the trial. I continue to go before the Lord and ask Him to "unite my heart to fear His name" (Psalm 86:11), and to keep me from being the one in James 1:8, a "double-minded man, unstable in all his ways."

John Piper says that we usually make a mistake in thinking we need to "forgive ourselves." Most of the time, it's another person against whom we've sinned, and that is the one from whom we must ask forgiveness. Once we go before that person, and also confess our transgression to God in repentance, that's it! I have a hard time "letting myself off the hook," though...as if I were on my own hook, anyway. Aren't I on God's? And if that's true, doesn't He get to be judge? Isn't He already the judge of the universe? 

I told a wise friend about a mistake I made, one that I keep coming back to in my mind. I told him I wished I could allow myself to be human and make mistakes. He answered that I had usurped God's role as judge, marking myself because of one mistake. If mine are the only mistakes God can't fix, my friend says, "then He doesn't get to be God." 

Yesterday I told my girls a piece of information I later wished I'd kept to myself. I went to them and confessed that I was wrong to say what I did, that it was gossip. I reminded them that we never arrive at a moment when we're not growing and asking for forgiveness, and I asked for theirs in not setting a good example. Immediately they started patting my head and face, cut off my speech, and both said, "It's ok, Mom! We love you!" I knew in this moment that this is how our Father responds when we go to Him with our sin. He doesn't say, "Hmmm...let me think about it, and I might forgive you," or, "I can't forgive you yet, but maybe when you reform a little more." No! He's quick to love us, to say that "As far as the east is from the west, so far has He removed our transgressions from us" (Psalm 103:12). "As a father pities his children, so the Lord pities those who fear Him" (103:13). 

Evangelism is another area where the Lord is nudging me to grow. I live in a country where I can worship and proclaim Christ freely, yet I often shrink in terror when I feel a prod to say something about Him. It seems absurd that people in the Middle East are jailed and beheaded for being Christians, while I sit here, afraid to broach the subject with people of peace! 

My husband and I have a custom: when we dine out, we always ask our waiter/waitress if we can pray for him/her when we ask our blessing. Most of the time this is received well, and people will share their stories with us. Last week, my husband felt such a burden for our waitress that he gave her his card and asked her to get in touch with us if she needed anything. Her sad eyes stayed in our hearts long after that meal. Pray for Kaylee, please.

Sometimes our asking is answered with, "No, I'm fine," and one waitress even once said, "Pray for those who need it." That was an interesting response, especially since our pastor was at the table with us! Those are the folks who need it the most. Never have we had a contentious response in the years we've been doing this.

Asking a waiter has become easier over the years, although I confess that sometimes I still feel strange doing it. Why should it take such courage to initiate a spiritual conversation? Am I afraid the waiter will spit in our food, or worse...think we're weird?? Maybe we should aspire to be "weird" by the world's standards. Allowing this to come naturally takes time, like I mentioned before. Gaining boldness in any area is "deliciously harrowing."

With a waiter, it's one thing; that person's job is to serve, and they are trying to make money...I chuckle thinking he/she is a captive audience. However, here's another scenario: I'm having a conversation with someone (the parent of my kid's friend, a tennis coach, a relative, a lifeguard at the pool, maybe even one of my kids' friends)...anyone who forms a part of my routine life. I get the "nudge" to speak about God...NOW??!! HOW??!! "Do I have to?!"

As I type this, I'm brokenhearted that these would be my reactions. Lord, move me from NOW?? to NOW!!!!! Help me in those moments to call on You for the "how." Let the question not be, "Do I have to?" but rather, "How can I not?" 

I will insert at this point that, speaking before of the devil, he likes to make me feel absolutely rotten when I miss an opportunity. He calls me a coward, tells me I must not love the Lord, asks me what kind of Christian I am, and blah, blah, blah. Condemnation does not come from the Holy Spirit (Romans 8:1), but what He does give us is the conviction that we missed an opportunity because we weren't relying on Him for help. Any dark thoughts about it are from the enemy; we can go to the Lord and say, "Lord, I knew I should've said something, but I froze. Forgive me for not calling on you for the words. Please give me another opportunity to tell someone about You, and make me bold for it." I prayed this several times when we started our "waitstaff ministry," when I knew I should ask but didn't. 

Today a little fella sat beside me and told me he was seven-years-old, and that he was going to Boston soon "on business." It seems the trip is so that his four-year-old brother can receive one of his mother's kidneys. I wanted badly to tell this chatty guy that Jesus cares about his brother, but all I said was that I would be praying for everything to go well. I felt silly thinking that I was scared to talk about my faith to a school-kid! Those are the ones who best understand the kingdom of God! I pray I will be ready for the next opportunity, and I'd love another chance to talk to this boy! God is weaving forgiveness and evangelism together to help me grow in the truth that mistakes on my part, if I confess and turn, don't put the "HOPELESS" or "DOOMED" stamp on me. Satan wants me to believe that I'm too despicable to even pray to God about it; after all, why would He want to hear me when I cowered over bringing up His name? 

When a lie like that comes up, the best thing to do is defy it, and pray!
Lord, thank You that all of life is repentance. As long as there's life, there's hope. I rebuke the enemy's attempts at condemnation, and praise You for loving me always. Your Son gave His life for my shortcomings, and as a sinner, I need You desperately every minute. Give me the courage to share this Good News with others. Forgive and change my unbelief, and continue to grow me in your truth. 

I have typed my prayers in green, which reminds me of new life, of fresh growth. Here is another one, straight from King David. May we not be afraid to pray this, and to ask God for courage as He answers:
"Search me, O God, and know my heart;
Try me, and know my anxieties;
And see if there is any wicked way in me,
And lead me in the way everlasting." Psalm 139:23-24

Molly's Gifts

My seven-year-old decided that she wanted to take money out of her piggy bank and buy gifts for family members. It started in Aldi when she saw a pillow and said it looked like something good for Nana. I was touched by her innocence in having no idea how much the item cost, nor caring. I'm too cheap to buy a fuzzy decorative pillow for $15!

She proceeded to name other things she would buy for the family if she had her money. "Pop needs those tools," she decided. Again, my eyes went straight to the tag: $19.99! Not that others aren't worthy, but all I could think of was my little girl giving up her own money when she didn't have to. My mind was on selfishness and protecting her, while Molly's was on selflessness.

Today we went out again, and she made her purchases. I couldn't believe how deliberate such a youngster could be about looking over everything, and making such careful decisions. She selected several purchases, paid out of her pink wallet, and proudly carried the plastic bag on the ride home. She even noted aloud that the amount that she had spent "wasn't that much." Color me convicted.

Molly took it upon herself to wrap her gifts, tie the bows, and even write the names on the tags. I watched and silently thanked God. A short while later, after all was finished and placed under the tree, the Spirit gave me a greater nudge: I can learn a lesson from this little one.

"Let the little children come to Me, and do not forbid them; for of such is the kingdom of heaven," Jesus said in Matthew 19:14. Here my daughter was content to share what she had, and I had tried to talk her out of it. Gulp. This is what my broken and contrite heart looks like in real life: seeing my stinginess for what it is, and worse, that I don't always give joyfully this time of year, but more as a "have to."

Molly's gifts

Christ said that children show us His kingdom, and as usual, He was right. The Lord loves a cheerful giver, and I pray to become more of one. Not only can I be frugal with my resources, but I often am with my time as well, finding it hard to devote all of myself to someone in need at a particular moment. I tend to get overwhelmed easily, and this is a matter of daily prayer. 

Another truth that God lovingly put before me through my little one is that we must allow people to be a blessing to us, and use the gifts He has given us to bless others. If Molly seeks to minister to family members and show her love through giving gifts, then woe to me if I should try to stop her! The "Protector" in me feared that others might not appreciate the gifts, but that's the devil talking. As her mother, my role in this is to give guidance about proper items to purchase, as well as reasonable amounts to spend. Other than that, I'm ecstatic that the Lord prompted me to back off.

We have a group that gathers at our home every Wednesday evening for Bible study and a meal. One of our faithful attendees, Burney, roasts his own coffee. Every week, he loyally brings his supplies and provides us with steaming cups of home-roasted and freshly brewed coffee. If Burney can't make it one week, not only do we miss his presence, but his ministry of loving us through coffee. None of us would dream of taking Burney's ministry to us away from him; plus, we delight in the coffee!

The Lord is showing me that for Molly, this situation is similar. She had joy in selecting and purchasing those gifts on her own, in addition to making them look nice with the paper. Her childlike eyes saw past what she was giving up to what others were receiving, and the Lord put the sensation of satisfaction in her. Thank You, thank You, my Father, for teaching me more about your majesty through a little child!

Not only that...this same Father gave us the gift of His own Son, knowing that many of us wouldn't appreciate it, either. It was the heftiest price tag in history, but He did it for me. He understands about giving gifts, since he gave the greatest One; because of this, I know He sees Molly and delights in her gift-giving. I also know He sees my shortcomings and reminds me I'm not hopeless; the blood of His Gift washed my sins, and enables me to repent. 

Thank You, Lord, for this real-life lesson in "sorrowful, yet rejoicing." That's how I feel at this moment. Sometimes I think self-awareness and sanctification are going to kill me. May I never forget the feeling, yet may You enable my heart to bear it. "God loves a cheerful giver" (2 Corinthians 9:7). May You transform my heart so I can fit that description.

A Broken and Contrite Heart

As we approach Christmas and the year's end, I inevitably feel the longing for brokenness to be fixed. It's always there, as it should be when we follow Christ, but it seems more pronounced this time of year. I can relate to the part of the song "Grown-Up Christmas List" that says, "Everyone would have a friend, and right would always win." There is a right way, and things go better for us when it wins.

That's just it...however God chooses to run things, however, as bleak as life can seem, we can be assured that right will win. My ways aren't His, and there's rejoicing in that! The hard part is that we have to deal with our trials now, and they can be harrowing. I'm figuring out that these are allowed so that we may press into Christ. As a parent, I, too, allow my children to see the hard side of life in order to help them grow. 

Lately, the Holy Spirit has given me eyes to see something: the wickedness of my condition. We are born sinful, and although we still sin after Christ reveals Himself to us, He sees us as flawless. However, one other thing happens: the stuff inside my heart and mind that used to seem "okay" now seems really ugly. I'm learning the difference between the Holy Spirit's gentle, loving nudge about my sin, and the enemy's accusations. Lies and condemnation come from the Father of Lies, never from God. The Holy Spirit points out our sin lovingly, as we would do for our own children, calling us to repent and seek His help in rejecting what goes against God's way.

I feel the need to clarify all of that because often we hear all about our depravity, and yes, it's definitely our state (otherwise we wouldn't need Christ), but I really need to get that the Lord now counts me as righteous. However, I am thankful that my sin repulses me. My problem is that I tend to harp more on the nastiness of my sin, and less on the wonder of being washed in Christ's blood. Because of that, I can call on the Spirit who is inside of me, and move on in confidence!

Yesterday I was feeling the weight of my sin. Matthew talks about our heart being reflected by our speech (12:34). This wrecked me personally, plus the fact that even if hurtful words don't overflow, my heart still feels some horrible things toward people. I turned to David's words in Psalm 51, composed after he slept with Bathsheba, got her pregnant, and killed her husband. He says, 

"The sacrifices of God are a broken spirit, a broken and contrite heart" (v. 17).

I love this. I can't stand this! The God of the universe works in ways that rip my heart out, yet make it new! His ways are beyond my comprehension. When they make no sense and hurt desperately, then I'm sure they are part of His refinement. The juxtapositions shake the world; the counterculture manner in which He operates makes me want to jump and shout, yet also fall in a heap at His feet, in awe of His glory and unpredictability. 

Last night, as I felt the weight of my sin, all I could do was thank Him for my broken spirit and contrite heart. "Lord, may I always be so broken over my sin," I cried. It occurred to me, by the way, that the said "sin" is something we all do every day: getting frustrated with those we love, biting at them with sharpness in our words. Most people would say it wasn't that bad. Fully aware of this, I praised God that the "little" things weigh on me as much as the "big;" sins are not ranked in God's eyes, after all.

I see this with fresh eyes on a new morning. Forgiveness happens, lessons are learned, sanctification occurs. That I may not grow complacent and forget! I quote John Piper a lot, and he has a whole sermon on this topic, entitled "A Broken and Contrite Heart God Will Not Despise." In the final part, Piper says:

"Please don't make the mistake of thinking that you ever get beyond broken and contrite spirit in this life...Avoid thinking that if you have a broken and contrite spirit, then you're going to be an unhappy person. That's the devil talking."

He explains that our sin should always be before us, not to condemn us, but we should be constantly aware of the weight of it, and our desire for God's help in overcoming specific issues. We do not "get past" being broken and contrite, because we sin every day. This whole idea to me is so rich, so deep, and requires constant prayer and relying on Christ. Piper calls is "sorrowful, yet always rejoicing." How's that for a juxtaposition? Will you join me in being brave enough to pray that God's people will take on such a life?

On Another Note...
A huge "Happy Birthday!" to my fast-growing, tender-hearted, tennis-playing, nine-year-old girl today! It has been a joy to watch you grow from a whopping almost-ten-pound newborn into a gentle, considerate, servant of the Lord. I learn much from observing your even, seldom-rattled disposition, and continue to pray that God will work out your salvation, growing you in your prayers, reading of the Word, and desire to know Him and be known. You are one Good Egg, and Mama loves you more than I can say.