Shame & Vulnerability

Aren't they serene? I have wished often for quietness of mind, and there's much behind this that I've discovered over the past few years. Currently, I'm wrestling through Curt Thompson's The Soul of Shame. This book is for everyone, since we are all sinners who deal daily with the effects of shame. Most people have no idea of the role that shame has played in our personal disintegration. 

As the Lord uproots this painful shame, I'm drawn to the call to be vulnerable with others and with Christ, rather than allowing certain situations to cause mental paralysis, or "stasis," as Thompson calls it. I've felt this often, the state of almost complete mental breakdown or fog when I feel shame. Just today an incident occurred that required my vulnerability with God, and I feel that it can be further brought into the light by sharing it with you.

One thing to note: It's true that "shameful" incidents aren't necessarily what the world would see as a big deal, or something that seems overly traumatic. The enemy is crafty in setting up years and decades of subtle shaming tactics. 

Because our move put us farther from our beloved Missio Dei Church, our family decided to start the process of finding a church closer to where we now live. As community is vital to vulnerability, we long to be close to our church, able to attend regular functions. We've been attending a church that we really like, and were there today. At the end of the service, my family exited ahead of me. I knew we needed to get home to have lunch and change before an outing the kids were taking, but stayed behind chatting with some kind ladies who had introduced themselves.

When I eventually turned to leave, I noticed that the line out the door was long; the pastor sits at the doorway and shakes everyone's hand as they exit. I realized it would take a while to reach the door if I stood at the end of the line, so I went to the side, bypassing the line. I saw a side door and considered going out of it, but being new, I feared ending up somewhere I didn't want to be, since we still don't know our way around the building. I decided the easiest move was to slip behind the pastor at the door, but this required me to also go past everyone in the line. 

When I reached the doorway I saw a dear acquaintance there with her kids, to whom I said a few words, and I also excused myself for going through the people. For a split second, I turned and faced the people in line, many of whom seemed to be looking at me. I caught a glimpse of Mrs. C--'s sweet, kind face. Suddenly, I had a horrible feeling: I looked like I was breaking in line to see the pastor, rather than simply slipping past the people and out the door to find my family! And just when I attempted to tiptoe behind him, he turned directly to me, and addressed me by name! I wanted to pass out from the shame of seemingly cutting in front of that whole line. Just when I thought I'd squeeze past everyone, Pastor M. looked me squarely in the face!

All I could think was, We're new, and those people will now recognize me as the Lady Who Cuts in Line! I felt sick, wondering why I hadn't gone through that blasted side door. I worried all the way home, feeling the crippling shame described by Dr. Thompson in his book. I knew God was inviting me to walk into this feeling with Him, to have a discussion about what's really happening in my heart. 

This seems to be how healing happens. When I recognize this feeling of shame, I must walk into it with Christ and others rather than suffocating in it alone. I sat by the archway in my new back yard in the sun, looking at the blue sky, green grass, and colorful flowers, and had a transparent talk with Jesus. I told him I worry about being like others who I've seen push their way to the front. I felt like I did twenty years ago when I did just that, and a lady called me on it. I felt like the whole church would now see me as the Lady Who Cuts In and is Inconsiderate (picture that in neon lights). I kept seeing Mrs. C--'s kind face, and Pastor M's, full of grace and understanding, entirely void of condemnation. 

I moved to the bench on my front porch and dared to ask God again to erase the incident (which I describe in detail in another post, God Erases), which led to more discussion. Do I hesitate to believe and receive this because it seems unbelievable? Aren't God's ways indeed infinitely past understanding? Do I feel like asking Him to (again) "erase" it is one time too many, and a copout to boot? If I know that He delights to give me bread and not a serpent, and that He is able to do exceedingly and abundantly above all that I think or ask, why do I hesitate to believe He'll "erase" again and again? Christ talked to His disciples about believing they'd receive, about not having because they didn't ask, and about how it delights the Father to give good gifts to His children.

What I'm writing in this blog is a transcript of a lot that I wrote in my journal. In the journaling part of this process, I was reminded about my friend Pastor Jim's comment to me a while back, that I was "overthinking" another certain situation. Perhaps that's the case here, too; maybe none of those people thought a thing of it. I probably wouldn't have, and if someone else told me this, I may even think it was funny, like something that would happen to Ben Stiller. But to me, who I believe I am is very real. When something bumps up against a shameful spot in my heart, I now want to get to the bottom of it, and stop being in bondage. 

I believe the devil has worked hard to convince me that I have no sense, no social skills, that I'm uncouth and uncultivated. The Lord whispers to me that my deep concern shows the opposite. He and I continued this discussion over ninety minutes. He's teaching me many things, leading me into freedom. I feel like I have to be put in certain situations in order to face my shame and move toward healing it. The very thing I don't want to feel is precisely what I have to face with vulnerability. And by the way...this goes for all of us.

From the mouth of My Savior:

"Ask, and you will receive, that your joy may be full." John 16:24

"If you ask anything in My name, I will do it." John 14:14

"...whatever things you ask when you pray, believe that you receive them, and you will have them." Mark 11:24

My soul is panting for Him, as the deer pants for water. May it always be so! 

Until next time...

Transition Time

Picturesque little gate at Sandburg Home

It's been too long since I've last posted, the reason being that we decided to sell our house and downsize. Things progressed at lightning speed, and in a day, we'd sold our home and needed to start looking for a smaller one! Lord willing, we'll be in our new home soon. In the meantime, we've been in a transition home, wonderfully situated in quiet Flat Rock, a short walk from the Carl Sandburg Home. 

We have been overcome by the generosity of Mr. and Mrs. Kendall Bryan of Jacksonville, and their adult children, in allowing us to rest here for a few weeks while we bridge the gap between houses. What a treat it's been to get to know the grounds where the author and poet Sandburg lived the last thirty-plus years of his life. We've made the most of our short stay here, taking frequent walks to the Sandburg Home, as well as enjoying the yard, and walking also to the post office (to check where our mail now goes!), and to the quaint restaurants and gift shop of Flat Rock.

We've managed to stay in a school routine, as I brought all of the books were reading. I wasn't sure how school would look, but quickly decided we needed the routine. It has been a wonderful learning experience for us in many ways. I picked up two books in the Sandburg gift shop: Rootabaga Stories, from which the girls and I read several nights a week, and Mary Lincoln, Wife and Widow, a thoroughly interesting and captivating biography. How extraordinary to spend time in these works, as well as at the author's home!

Here are some shots I've taken while exploring:

This breathtaking view is part of the street where we're staying. We walk past it to get to Sandburg's home.

On Sunday I explored a new trail on the Sandburg property. I stopped at a bench here, and enjoyed the tranquility for a few moments.

Lots of water on the property means lots of rhododendron!

The tail end of the trail that leads to the back side of the Sandburg Home...

...and this is where I ended up. There is something breathtaking about emerging out of the woods and seeing the Sandburg house; it's so serene and storybook, like a child allowed to play on the kind author's property!

I had been to the Sandburg Home before, but living within walking distance and experiencing it like we have over the past few weeks have made it special for us. This goes right along with a Charlotte Mason life: living books, nature study, fresh air, ideas...we never get tired of it!

I love the green of the farm manager's house, which now houses employees.

My children's favorite part of the property is visiting the goats. A main reason for moving to Flat Rock was the climate, in which Mrs. Sandburg could breed and raise her prize-winning goats. The goats here today are descendants of hers'. They roam freely, and are friendly with visitors. 

Pop John visited and also enjoyed the goats!

Interesting bits of nature that my girls discovered

The charming Sandburg home

The Lord has blessed us richly during our moving transition time. Many thanks again to the Bryan family! What sweet memories we will have!

The back yard at the house where we're temporarily staying. Flat Rock yards are largely covered with moss. This yard is peaceful and safe.

He looks at us through the back windows!

Until next time; hopefully not too long!

2018 Children's Book Reviews

Here is a second book list, one of books completed with my children in 2018. I would have been happy to read any of these on my own as well, but it was a pleasure to spend time reading them with my kids.

2018 Kids’ Book List

My Father’s Dragon by Ruth Stiles Gannett (1948). This is the hilarious story of how Elmer Elevator risks his life to save a baby dragon from the dangerous animals of the jungle. We laughed out loud at the descriptions of his surprising schemes, and spent several nights staying up too late because we were unable to put this book down. 

The Mystery of the 99 Steps by Carolyn Keene (1966). All the charms of the typical Nancy Drew story are here. Nancy and her friends are off to Paris while they and Mr. Drew solve several puzzles dealing with money and a mysterious staircase. We had fun with French phrases, and imitating the many accents.

The Indian Medicine Man by Robert Hofsinde (1966). A description of medicine man practices among various American Indian tribes, such as the Sioux, Iroquois, Apache, Navajo, and Ojibwa. This book describes wide contrasts to our Christian beliefs, providing much material for discussion. The text is written in language that offers enjoyable reading about concepts that are strange to us. 

The Happy Hollisters by Jerry West (1953). This is the first book in a big series about the five Hollister children and their parents. Written in a cheerful 1950’s style, the Hollisters solve the mystery of who has been prowling around the basement of their new home. Like Nancy Drew or Hardy Boys, there are elements of danger (such as going off alone, or talking to strange people) that can be used to warn kids about unintelligent risks. I like this series better than Boxcar Children, and enjoyed the family camaraderie. 

Kidnapped by Robert Louis Stevenson (1886). We read two chapters of this book every week for fifteen weeks. I love the typical Stevenson writing of shipwrecks and wayfarers, of fighting and obscure characters. David Balfour is winsome, and his strange pal Alan Break grew on me, too. This is not an easy read, but worth the adventures. The Scottish accents are fun to attempt.

The Ocean of Truth by Joyce McPherson (1997). This biography of Isaac Newton is an easy, entertaining, informative read. We were taken through his life from boyhood to death. I’m fascinated by his pursuit of knowledge, and enjoyed learning about his walk with Christ.

The Storybook of Science by Jean-Henri Fabre (1917). I can’t imagine a richer way to make science come to life. We learned so much from the character Uncle Paul, who describes many parts of God’s creation in detail to his niece and nephews. Topics such as cotton, cows, bees, caterpillars, metals, lightning and thunder, poisonous plants, pollen, earthquakes, and shells are covered thoroughly. Children will enjoy and appreciate science taught in this living way, much more than un-relatable textbooks. Who can question God’s design after the awe-inspiring descriptions of nature given in this book?

George Washington’s World  by Genevieve Foster (1941). We love this approach to history: living stories about historical figures who were alive during Washington’s lifetime. Sections of the book are divided thus: when George was a boy, a soldier, a farmer, a Commander, “just a citizen,” and when he was president. It’s interesting to see how other people’s lives unfolded over the same time period, and what was happening throughout the world. This book gives thorough instruction on the American Revolution and world events of the time.

The Incredible Journey by Sheila Burnford (1961). This is the story of three animal friends who trek across part of the Canadian wilderness to track down their family. The cat and two dogs have been left in the care of a friend while their family is on vacation, but they miss home. Full of rich description and little dialogue, this seems better for read-aloud than for silent reading. (In general, I find that books are more enjoyable when read aloud; I tend to miss things and mind-wander when reading silently!). 

Uncle Wiggly’s Storybook by Howard R. Garis (1921). This delightful book is made up of small chapters, each containing a tale about Uncle Wiggly the rabbit, who lives in a “hollow stump bungalow.” He is always finding situations in which he can offer help to unfortunate animals or humans. His animal friends all speak to one another, and Uncle Wiggly understands human talk, although he is unable to communicate with people. This lighthearted book of sweet tales of kindness gently teaches morality and doing right. Much better read aloud than silently!

Minn of the Mississippi  by Holling C. Holling (1951). Minn, a snapping turtle with three legs, slowly makes her way down the entire Mississippi River. The reader experiences each step of her journey in a short chapter describing her encounters, beginning in Minnesota and ending in the Gulf of Mexico from New Orleans. This is an excellent resource for teaching United States geography and history. We read it slowly, a chapter a week, over a school year. As in all his books, Holling’s illustrations are extraordinary.

The 4th of July Story by Alice Dalgliesh, illustrated by Marie Nonnast (1956). This short, simple book is an easy one to pull out on Independence Day for a few moments of joyful reading aloud. It is an ideal refresher of what the kids have learned about the American Revolution during the school year. The illustrations are delightful! 

Homer Price by Robert McCloskey (1943). This book contains several hilarious and charming tales about Homer’s adventures in the town of Centerburg. He learns how to operate his uncle’s donut machine, meets a superhero, finds out why an unusual man came to town, and obtains a pet skunk. This is a wonderful read-aloud at bedtime, complete with drawings in the style for which McCloskey is famous.

The Story of Your Blood by Edith Lucie Weart (1960). We spent four weeks reading this book, taking 6-8 pages twice a week. Although the author describes the blood and its components in detail, her style is entertaining and easy to understand. I highly recommend this living book for any type of school.

Titanic: Voices From the Disaster by Deborah Hopkinson (2014). This is a thorough, excellent resource for learning the living stories behind the Titanic disaster of 1912. All history should be taught as it is here, in the tales of real lives, rather than dates and boring facts. 

Seaman: The Dog Who Explored the West With Lewis and Clark by Gail Langer Karwoski (2002). What a fantastic way to take the journey west with America’s most famous explorers! Great care is given to the details of the expedition, with excerpts from the journals of Lewis and Clark. Seaman adds life and fun to the exciting adventures, in which we also get to know Sacagawea, a slave named York, other men in the Corps of Discovery, and the traits of many Indian tribes. 

Cherry Ames, Student Nurse by Helen Wells (1943). This first book in the series tells how Cherry becomes a nurse, taking readers through her learning experiences as a student nurse. Not only is it packed with educational medical terminology and scenarios, but keeps readers engaged with exciting plots. 

The Story of Madame Curie by Alice Thorne (1961). This is a simple yet full biography of Marie Curie, from her childhood in Poland to her death in Paris. We enjoyed learning of her work with Pierre, and their excitement in discovering radium. Biographies are highly desirable in exploring history, as opposed to dry textbook facts. Books like this one teach us to care!  

2018 Book Reviews

This year I set up my book lists differently: I decided to give a short, opinionated synopsis about each one. These are books that I completed during 2018, not including daily Bible excerpts and certain chapters from Charlotte Mason's Parents and Children. My desire is to remind others that little bits of reading every day can add up to lots of time in which to digest a wide feast of books. A subsequent post will include books completed with my children. Be encouraged!

2018 Book List

Jean and Johnny by Beverly Cleary (1959). The awkwardness of a teenage crush for a plain girl who realizes that popularity isn’t everything. A light, happy read. I wish my own teen experience had been so insightful, and highly recommend this book for teenage girls.

The Girl Who Knew it All by Patricia Reilly Giff (1979). I was given this book as a first grader and wasn’t ready to read it, so I glanced at parts over the years but never fully read it. It’s the simple story of a small-town girl who has trouble reading, which she tries to hide by acting like a know-it-all. It’s a typical early ’80’s book: neighborhood children are relentless in their remarks to one another, and parents are working all day, leaving kids to their own raising during the summer. Okay for a mindless read, but not ideal mind-food for children (or adults!).

Eve by Evelyn Minshull (1990). This is the story of Eve based loosely on a Biblical plot, with a lot of fiction added. The descriptions were fairly interesting, with the shocking exception of a drunk Adam raping Eve, which I never did get past. Also, the author goes out of her way to paint Cain as a good guy, and to gloss over his murdering Abel, who is barely mentioned at all. Minshull uses Adam and Eve for inspiration, but creates a soap opera to depict their lives. It’s also not Biblical that after one generation, there appears a population of random folks with no accounting of origin. Take this book with a grain of salt, or better yet, skip it and read the truth in Genesis.

Come Home Laughing by Tanya Lyons (2017). This book was written for adult children of divorce. It is the fictional story of several adults who begin to face and process childhood wounds from their parents’ divorces. They form friendships and attend a church retreat designed to begin their healing processes. I tore through this book in a few days. It put words to many feelings I also have experienced. I enjoyed the unique format of factual data sprinkled throughout the story, explaining the clinical points behind the feelings. This is the only book of its kind I’ve encountered, and I’m grateful for such a treasure.

The Weight of Glory by C.S. Lewis (1949). This is a typical, meaty Lewis book. I confess that the chapter on “Theology as Poetry” was so over my head, I had to skip the second half and move on. My favorite chapters were “The Inner Ring,” and “Forgiveness.” He says, “At present we are on the outside of the world, the wrong side of the door,” and “We are offered forgiveness on no other terms. To refuse it is to refuse God’s mercy for ourselves. There is no hint of exceptions and God means what He says.” Lewis’s wisdom never disappoints!

The Scarlet Thread by Francine Rivers (1996). Rivers bounces the plot back and forth  between two characters: the modern day life of Sierra Madrid, and the pioneer journal of Mary Katherine McMurray as she travels the Oregon Trail. This author’s fiction is always true to life, diving into the hearts and minds of broken people, showing Christ’s love for them, and His redemption in their lives. Overall an outstanding read, but two areas disappointed me: Sierra blames herself too much for her husband’s poor behavior (as “good Christians” often do), and too many details of Mary Kathryn’s life are left unknown at the end of her diary. I enjoyed her journal most, and would love more stories about her. 

The Hiding Place by Corrie Ten Boom (1971). I had never read this classic, and am glad I finally did! The Christian Ten Boom family hid Jews in their Dutch home during World War II. We get to know Corrie in her early adulthood, and are taken through her horrific experiences after being caught breaking the law. Packed with accounts of deep faith and miracles, this book sharpens believers, and no doubt will convince non-believers. 

Take Your Life Back by Stephen Arterburn, M.Ed. and David Stoop, Ph.D. (2016). A must read for everyone, this book gives Biblical wisdom and clinical facts regarding taking our lives back from past wounds and lies we’ve believed. The authors give personal examples and practical insight to help break negative behaviors, create healthy boundaries, and walk in freedom. There is also a workbook to accompany this book.

Good Grief by Granger E. Westberg (1962). This booklet that has circulated through churches for decades is a pithy, easy guide to understanding the stages of grief, even in the small losses we face regularly. 

Mama, Get the Hammer!…by Barbara Johnson (1994). Another classic from the lady who lived through serious heartache, and used her experience to bring godly encouragement with a humorous twist to others. In true Barbara style, this book contains stories, quips, and cartoons to uplift and bring truth.

The Red Sea Rules by Robert J. Morgan (2014). A friend told us about this easy read, then surprised us with it as a gift! Morgan’s book centers around the fact that in every situation, God makes a way. He illustrates this with ten principles from what happened to the Israelites and the Red Sea, and cites personal examples. 

White Like Her by Gail Lukasik (2017). Packed with impressive genealogical research, the author traces her mother’s roots after discovering that her mixed-race mother left her family to “pass” as white. This book is a good blend of racial history in New Orleans, the author’s personal ancestor stories, and her memories of her mother’s family and their strange behavior. I commend Lukasik for this tribute to her family and her handling of a tough topic with courage and respect. She honors her mother and ancestors, as well as family members she never knew she had. This should inspire us all to dig deeper into our own family histories.

Angels by Billy Graham (1975). I had never read a book by Graham before, and I wasn’t disappointed. I love the “old-school” feel of this work, which reads like a living textbook. Billy Graham’s tone throughout is one of love, comfort, and truth; it’s like reading something written by a wise, caring friend. There are some modern-day examples of angels cited, but this book is primarily filled with incidents in Scripture that educate readers on who angels are, as well as their many purposes. Such meat will be worth re-reading in the near future, as I’m sure I missed a lot this first time.

Understanding and Loving a Person With Borderline Personality Disorder by Arterburn and Wise (2017). Psychology has become a topic of interest to me lately, as I realize that we are all a product of what we’ve believed. The intricacy of the heart and mind is fascinating. Gaining understanding about Borderline Personality Disorder is an integral part of having healthy relationships and setting boundaries, and the authors present an easy read on the subject. 

Fire Road by Kim Phuc Phan Thi (2017). This is the fascinating story of the famous “Napalm Girl,” whose photo was snapped in 1972 as she ran screaming after being attacked by a napalm bomb in Vietnam. Kim Phuc shares how she learned peace and forgiveness, and how her scars have affected everyday life. This book is an easy, personal biography, excellent for middle-schoolers and beyond. Kim is transparent about what following Christ looks like in major as well as in daily struggles.

A Charlotte Mason Companion by Karen Andreola (1998). This is my favorite homeschooling book, one that I have read through several times. Karen and her husband, Dean, unearthed Charlotte Mason’s essays and had them republished, making her methods available and more widely known. Here, she offers insight into these methods, and what they look like practically in a modern-day homeschool. Karen’s style is warm, winsome, and inviting. She provides rich, doable examples of a CM education. 

Finding Home by Jim Daly (2005). This autobiography of the president of Focus on the Family is fascinating. Daly intimately describes the brokenness of his childhood, and how he came to know Christ. I wanted to adopt the little boy whose story he tells, and wonder how many children grow up in dysfunction that those around them ignore, or know nothing about. His story is proof of God’s redemption, and a reminder of the importance of loving children well. I was a Daly fan before, but his story increased my admiration for this godly man.

Pocketful of Pinecones by Karen Andreola (2002). This is the fictional diary of Carol, a 1930’s mother who decides to homeschool her children. She gives vivid descriptions of their nature study subjects, and how her children keep nature notebooks. This came at the perfect time for me, as I’ve decided to be diligent in implementing regular nature study into our school year. Carol’s charming story is a living, doable example of home education.

Dear Papa by Thyra Ferre Bjorn (1963). I was introduced to Bjorn’s books by some friends who described them as an older Mitford series. When I found this signed first edition on the library sale rack for a quarter, I knew I’d hit gold! The story is a treasure indeed. Mama writes to Papa, who has passed away, and fills him in on adventures involving their eight children. She is now eighty-one, enjoying a quiet life in Miami, looking back on the joys and sorrows of the past. Mama is the ideal picture of a godly woman; I enjoyed spending time with her in this book!

Middle School: The Inside Story by Cynthia Tobias and Sue Acuña (2014). I heard about this book on “Focus on the Family,” and it piqued my interest, as I am now the parent of a middle-schooler. This is an easy, entertaining read. I found the information about body changes and communication more pertinent to our situation, but I believe this will be a valuable tool to parents and teachers of middle-schoolers in traditional public and private schools, as the school setting is also discussed in detail. There are certain points about which I disagree, but this is an overall informative, good book.

Born For Battle by Arthur Mathews (1978). This little book consists of thirty-one short chapters on fighting the good fight of the faith, and doing battle against the enemy. I liked being able to read each chapter in one sitting, and take on deep points each time. It’s an easy, ten-minute morning read over several weeks.

Rosemary: The Hidden Kennedy Daughter by Kate Clifford Larson (2015). This is the most interesting, well-written biography I’ve read to date. Larson does a compelling job of giving Rosemary Kennedy the dignity she deserves. We learn about Rosemary as a person, rather than an obscure member of the Kennedy family. Some biographies include dry, boring details, but every part of this one held my attention. 

The Pursuit of God by A.W. Tozer (1948). I had never read Tozer before, but my husband gave me a volume that includes three of his works. This first book was a clear read that sharpened my faith and gave me plenty to ponder. It’s not one to read quickly, but rather a chapter a day, or even per week. I especially enjoyed the short biography of Tozer included at the end. 

Lost Boy by Greg Laurie (2008). "Thankfully, God doesn't look for the 'religious type.' He looks for the 'sinner type.' I qualified. And against all odds, He changed my life.” This quote describes the tone of Pastor Greg Laurie’s story. He was brought up in horrible conditions, and saved by the Lord at age 17. He is a likable, funny guy, with a powerful testimony that speaks to Christ’s rescuing power.

Wounded By God’s People by Anne Graham Lotz (2013). I read this book when it was new five years ago, because I had been wounded by several who claim to be God’s people. I reread it this time because it covers the story of Sarah and Hagar, which I had gone slowly through in my Bible, and wanted to remember what Anne had to say about it. She is a likable author, like a godly mother, who is candid about her own wounds. This is an overall helpful read, although I don’t espouse the idea of “That was then, this is now” woven throughout. In my opinion, there is a tone of “Get over it and move on” that can cause people to bury wounds that haven’t been fully healed. That, plus some differences in theology, make this just an okay book for me. 

Tortured For Christ by Pastor Richard Wurmbrand (1967). This is the fascinating autobiography of Pastor Wumbrand, who endured fourteen years of torture in Communist prisons for his Christian beliefs. His description of modern-day martyrdom in vivid, heart-wrenching detail is a call to action in sharing our faith, no matter the cost. The “underground church” is alive and needs our help and prayers today. This book is a challenge to examine our own faith, and the sacrifices to which God calls us in Christ’s name. 

Out to Canaan by Jan Karon (1997). Another heartwarming volume about Mitford! I can’t get enough of this series. Does Esther Cunningham keep her status as mayor when Mack Stroupe stops at nothing in the contest? What becomes the fate of Fernbank? Can Father Tim really be considering retirement? All this and more!

God Erases

It seems that God's lessons to me are one spilling into the next, with some overlapping. It's astounding what He's showing me: that He erases circumstances and situations that I have wished I could change. He literally makes it as if these things hadn't occurred! I feel helpless to put this idea to words.

"I, even I, am He who blots out your transgressions for My own sake; And I will not remember your sins." Isaiah 43:25 (my added emphasis).

There have been several specific situations where the Lord nudges me about this, and for me to ask, trust, and believe. I confess that it can seem "too" wonderful, that my mind can't grasp it. Isn't that what makes God who He is? Isn't this why He sent His Son to die? I feel the miracle of what He's doing, what only He has power to do.

The Lord and I will work on one thing, then another seems to pop up. What condemnation I've felt in my life! What mistakes I've made...so many! Yet He seems to be taking each one and saying that yes, He will erase that one, too. 

My humanity responds in three ways:
1. I think, Can I ask the Lord to erase yet another thing?
2. I wonder, Is He willing to erase yet another thing?
3. I ask, Does he really, truly, erase certain circumstances...as in, honest-to-goodness...gone?? 

The Lord keeps bringing me back to Luke 11:9-13. I read and reread this passage: "So I say to you, ask, and it will be given to you; seek, and you will find; knock, and it will be opened to you. For everyone who asks receives, and he who seeks finds, and to him who knocks it will be opened." Now, get this: "If a son asks for bread from any father among you, will he give him a stone? Or if he asks for a fish, will he give him a serpent instead of a fish? Or if he asks for an egg, will he offer him a scorpion? If you then, being evil, know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will your heavenly Father give the Holy Spirit to those who ask Him!"

How much more, indeed! Our pastor encourages us to pray crazy, radical prayers, asking for things that to us seem impossible. In this passage, Jesus doesn't say that this asking, seeking, and knocking is a one-time deal, so we'd better proceed with caution and not use up our one "wish". I keep thinking about how parents want to give good gifts to their children. How much more does the Lord see my heart, and want to give me good things for His glory?

This view from my husband's office window is a breathtaking reminder of God's love and redemption, and that His promises are true.

The Lord has tied into this a struggle I have, that I seem to "freeze" in certain situations, seemingly not knowing how to respond. As a result, I end up tremendously regretting ways I've handled certain things. I end up feeling stupid, inadequate, and lacking sense. The Lord keeps reminding me that the Holy Spirit is there to help, all the time. Time and again, I rely on my own devices; I don't feel I have the wherewithal to even remember to call on Him. This is what leads to situations that cause regret.

God is now unpacking and unfolding all of this before me. I have trouble receiving His rescuing and love, because I feel like I should've known better, and don't deserve it. That's the whole point: I don't know better, which is why I need Christ! I can't rescue myself or others; my own devices leave me in the regret of my inadequacy. He is teaching me to call on the Holy Spirit, and to learn to trust in His forgiveness that removes (erases) all our transgressions from us (Psalm 103:12). "As a father pities his children, so the Lord pities those who fear Him" (Ps. 103:13).

Another addition to all of this is that the Lord has been addressing almost daily something that has weighed greatly on me for years: the effects that my inadequacy will have on my children. I have been nudged that these lessons are for me, and that my kids will benefit from that, rather than being harmed by it. What good news! 

I confess that all of this is hard for me to digest. It's hard to learn to trust God. However, He is teaching me to take Him at His word, as "impossible" as it seems to my human mind. Shouldn't God's ways be higher than mine? I'm learning to stop putting Him into my understanding, which actually isn't "understanding" at all. He truly renews the mind in ways I never imagined. 

"Oh, the depth of the riches both of the wisdom and knowledge of God! How unsearchable are His judgments, and His ways past finding out!" Romans 11:33

A Book Note...

Here is a book worth reading: Rosemary, The Hidden Kennedy Sister by Kate Clifford Larson (2015). Regardless of your position on the Kennedy family, you will be up late into the night getting to know Rosemary and her tragic story. Clifford does an outstanding job of giving this obscure figure the dignity she always deserved. Many biographies can contain dry, cumbersome details, but not this book. Every word contributes to the whole of Rosemary's fascinating story. This may be the most compelling biography I've ever read, no exaggeration.

"Now to Him who is able to do exceedingly abundantly above all that we ask or think, according to the power that works in us, to Him be glory in the church by Christ Jesus to all generations forever. Amen." Ephesians 3:20-21

God's Protection

I don't want to write a post about a man following my girls and me out of the library, but I feel a duty. You may be as oblivious as I was. I thought I always noticed people around us. I sometimes felt too cognizant of a loner in the park, or a strange-looking character in the store. It didn't occur to me that someone might follow us once we'd gotten into our vehicle. Thanks to a plain clothes policeman sent by the Lord, we escaped harm. I want you and your children to be safe as well.

We were in the library last week, about to leave, and were looking at a shelf of sale books right beside the entrance/exit. There's a big table beside this shelf where a policeman is usually stationed. We were almost through perusing when a man came in and stood to our left, presumably also looking at the books. I noticed he was odd-looking, with almost feminine facial features, as if wearing black eye-liner. His head was covered with a navy bandana, with black curls coming out underneath. He wore khaki shorts and some kind of sandals. His build was muscular, with hairy legs. 

Why did I notice all of this in just a few seconds? Probably because God wanted me to, and also because this guy was so noticeably different looking. Anyway, I moved my girls over, we looked maybe fifteen more seconds, then we left.

Evidently, so did he...right behind us.

I only know this because of the policeman who had indeed been at the table, but his plain clothes made him inconspicuous. As I was backing out of my parking space, he was standing by my window, beckoning. Only then did I notice the handcuffs and badge at his waist. He asked me to stay put for a minute, and asked if I had noticed the "weirdo" beside us at the bookshelf. "He acted like he was looking at the books," the cop said, "but, trust me, he was not looking at the books." A chill went through me, and I wanted to get sick.

Apparently, this policeman was at the table watching, and no one noticed him because he was sitting down in regular clothes, so his waist with his gear was hidden. He saw the man follow us out, and hightail it to his own car, which was parked in a different lot, across the street. We had parked behind the building. The cop said it seemed like the man was planning to follow me, so he wanted me to wait a few minutes. If I still noticed him, I was instructed to drive straight to the police station.

I talked to this officer for probably three or four minutes. He had been so busy chasing me down and giving me this information, that we didn't notice if the man left his parking lot. Supposedly he was in a blue Honda hatchback. Thankfully, he did not follow us home, and we actually had a sheriff behind us most of the way! I drove home in a daze, not knowing how to process the event, and being shocked that I hadn't even considered noticing if I were being followed. I think that if the cop hadn't informed me, even if I'd noticed the man, I might just have thought, "I think that's the guy from the library behind us." As scary as it is, I'm very glad to have this awareness now!

I'm looking into family self-defense with a local lady I know. I also started carrying my pepper spray again. Why did I think I didn't need it? Over the days that followed, I had many dark thoughts of what could've been. The devil attacked me hard. I recalled several moments past that could've ended badly, and took my feelings of condemnation to the Lord. Isn't that what Satan does, especially at night? He brings up the "what ifs," what "could've" happened, and how "negligent" and "stupid" I was. God has been allowing me to process this, and working on my heart regarding regrets and how I handled things I wish I could've done differently. On top of that, there was the lingering fear.

What if we were somewhere else, and saw this guy again? What if someone else tries to follow us? What if, what if, what if. I could drive myself insane falling into the enemy's fear traps. Ephesians 5:11 says, "Have no fellowship with the unfruitful works of darkness, but rather expose them." This is something to pray about daily. In writing this post and in talking to my friends, I am exposing the ugliness of darkness.

I have also done some serious praying about our protection, that the Lord would outfit us with what I term "beefy angel-bodyguards" to go everywhere with us. I felt peace about God's provision, as His Word clearly states that He places angels to guard us in all our ways. 

So guess what happened yesterday? I saw him again.

Yes, only nine days after the incident, I saw the guy again. I had just prayed before walking into the place; I asked the Lord, "Please don't let me see the man with the bandana here." Ironically, it was at another library event, although in a different building. I was alone this time, at the library's half-price book sale, and was just finishing looking around after having been there at least an hour. I don't go into the cd/dvd room, but as I passed by it, I glanced in...and there he was, standing in the little room, head bent, looking at some media that was in his hands. The bent head was covered with the same navy bandana, with the same black curls emerging, and he wore the same khaki shorts, and same sandals.

I seriously couldn't believe it. My first instinct was to flee past, which I did. I was shocked, and my heartbeat increased ten-fold in a matter of seconds. I stood with my back to where he would come out (if he left the dvd room), and pretended to look at some books (oh, the irony!) as I pulled myself together, tried to breathe, and said some prayer, although I have no idea what I said. I texted my husband, who responded "Get out of there," which I did. As I made my way through the payment lines, I kept my face firmly forward, as I didn't want him to see me. I had no idea if the guy could be behind me, although I feared he was. The ladies at the table wanted to chitchat, and I was practically shaking...I wondered what they would say if I blurted out, "I have to get out of here! A-bandana-guy-who-creeped-me-out-and-who-I-hoped-never-to-see-again-is-within-yards-of-me-and-I'm-gonna-pass-out-if-I-can't-get-outta-here!"

I grabbed the mace out of my purse, held it firmly along with my box of books, and made it to my van, which was thankfully parked close to the door. I checked to see if he was in the parking lot, and he wasn't. No one followed me out, and I made a second trip home in a daze, not knowing what to think or how to process seeing this person for the second time in nine days. 

"Lord," I said, "I have to admit I'm baffled. I confess I don't understand, when I had just prayed not to see that guy here, why I would see him here!" I knew God had some purpose, as He always does. I told Him I knew he was always teaching me something, but I just didn't get it. Not that I had to, but I knew that the Lord was happy to engage me in a dialogue nonetheless.

A different sort of question suddenly popped into my head: "Aren't you glad you did see him?" Well, yes, I was. And certainly glad that he didn't see me! And even more grateful that in the long time I was at the sale, not once did that man appear down an aisle where I had been. I can only imagine if I'd looked over and seen him standing beside me again, "looking" at books. I'm pretty certain I'd have passed out.

When I got home and had bent my husband's ear awhile, yet another nudge came to me: "Remember the beefy angel-bodyguards?" And it was a warm nudge, with a loving embrace from God. 

What do I make of all of this? I can't fully say. It was an unsettling evening, with more enemy attack. However, the love, protection, and sovereignty of God have overarched the whole situation. Jesus Christ is "Far above all principality and power and might and dominion, and every name that is named, not only in this age, but also in that which is to come. And He put all things under His feet..." (Ephesians 1:21-22). I read this aloud, thanking God for His might, and asking Him to make me strong in it (Ephesians 6:10). 

The Lord reminds me that, in none of the potentially dangerous situations that have happened over my life, have I been in control of the outcome. In fact, it is because of Him that they have ended well! I feel Him showing me His great love and protection, making me aware of His care for us. I was reminded today of the passage in Luke 11:11-13 where Jesus says, "If a son asks for bread from any father among you, will he give him a stone? Or if he asks for a fish, will he give him a serpent instead of a fish? Or if he asks for an egg, will he offer him a scorpion? If you then, being evil, know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will your heavenly Father give the Holy Spirit to those who ask Him!" Matthew's account in 6:11 says, "How much more will your Father who is in heaven give good things to those who ask Him!"

I feel the Lord's love in that He understands that I want "good things" for us. He is reminding me that He wants this, too, even more than I do ("How much more will your Father in heaven...?"). He is speaking to me about the fact that he gives bread, fish, and eggs, not stones, serpents, and scorpions. He gives "beefy angel-bodyguards" if we ask! It can feel scary and terrible, but our Father in heaven always knows what's good for us, even if it doesn't make complete earthly sense. I will trust and grow in Him, forgetting not all his benefits (Psalm 103:2)...and still carry my mace. I hope you will do the same!