Broken-Hearted

I am broken and battle-weary.  Most people have no idea, as I haven't a clue about their wounds, either.  God has given me a counselor-friend, an older, godly person who helps heal wounds with his gifts of discernment, patience, and hearing from God.  He once told me that we see today through the eyes of our past.  That explains a lot.

No matter how many times I bring out my shovel to cover over past wounds, they don't disappear.  I'm learning that being afraid to face the past only keeps me in bondage.  Christ was there, He always has been, even in those moments long ago when I was alone (or so I thought).  Counselor-friend is encouraging me to go back to those dark, frightening times, because the only way to bring darkness into light is to actually face that darkness first.  We have to go back and allow ourselves to find Christ there, and let Him be our Rescuer.  If I face today and tomorrow through ideas formed from past experiences, then the way to get out of today's chains is to go back to yesterday's hurts.

Incidentally, I'm not ashamed about seeking counsel from someone who understands these things.  My counselor-friend, a longtime pastor, devotes his retirement days to healing hearts.  I will refer in these posts to him often.  He helps me hear and process the Word, God's still, quiet voice, and the lies of the enemy I've believed too long.  God bestows the utmost patience on me through him, and he and I are on the journey of growth, sanctification, and healing together.  I thank God for him.

I cannot recall a time that the enemy wasn't spinning a web of lies around me.  He can take a little girl and ingrain a cacophony of lies deep into her heart:

     "You're not good enough for that."

     "You're no one special."

     "You're vile and dirty."

     "You serve no purpose."

     "You're white trash."

     "Everyone is looking at you."

     "There's something abnormal about your appearance."

     "You have no common sense."

     "You're unlovable."

     "You're not worth getting to know."

     "Joy in life is for others, not you."

And continue into her years as an adult, where the lies morph into:

     "You're a terrible wife."

     "You're going to traumatize your children."

     "You're still dirty and vile."

     "You're toxic and you poison people."

     "Everyone is still sizing you up."

     "You sounded so stupid."

     "It's your job to keep everything going."

     "They probably thought you sounded like such an idiot."

     "You should be paranoid about your kids' safety."

     "If anyone knew what you were thinking, they'd think you were dirty."

This is total torment.  It's not what Paul meant in Galatians 5:1 when he wrote that it is for freedom that Christ shed His blood and made us free, so "...do not be entangled again with a yoke of bondage." (NKJV).  I am a believer in Christ still in the chains of slavery because there is a piece of my heart that doesn't yet trust Him, and what is our command? "You shall love the Lord your God with ALL your heart..." (Luke 10:27).  A broken heart is unable to fully love God.

My only choice is to fight for the little girl who believed all the lies from so long ago.  She is worth getting to know, and she's worth healing.  I have shed buckets of tears not only for the adult me, but now for the younger, confused me.  I was asked how that little girl feels about Jesus, and realized that she doesn't know Him.  Yes, I now know him, but the little one who first believed the lies didn't....and probably still doesn't.  This may be the beginning of bringing that unbelieving piece of my heart back together with the others.

I need to do some time travel and get to know that little girl.  It's painful to feel her hurts again.  It's beautiful to see the gifts God gave her to cushion her pain.  This wrecks me, completely saps me of energy, and threatens to produce endless tears sometimes.  I must face my burdens head-on in order to lay them down for good.  I'm not there yet, but I've started with no turning back.  Progress is slow, scary, but undoubtedly sweet. In order to love God with my whole heart, I must learn to love a little girl I was forced to despise.  We are promised, "The Lord is close to the brokenhearted, and saves those who are crushed in spirit." (Psalm 34:18, NIV).  Since I fit that description, I choose to walk through the pain and believe this promise.