A Frazzled Mind

I was in a tizzy last week, affected by the poor planning of several women who take on too much and are spread thin.  My posture toward our culture was indignant, frustrated that it's too easy to believe the lie that we can do it all.  I wasted at least a day stewing about why moms today just can't focus on what's important, why we allow ourselves to get overwhelmed.  The idea just wouldn't leave me.

When I least expected it, the Holy Spirit gave me a loving nudge.  Yes, I am indeed intentional about not squandering my time.  I have no problem saying no to activities just for activities' sake.  My schedule seldom overpowers daily life. No, I do not feel guilty about abstaining from things that will add to what we already do.  Then came the kicker: My schedule isn't what overwhelms me; where I need to declutter is my brain.

He gently had lain it out for me.  The chaos in my mind is just as exhausting as the hectic lives of many women in our culture.  Wow.  I could only humbly agree with what my Maker was revealing to me.  Many are stressed out because they run here and there; my stress is due to the mental gymnastics caused by my flesh and the enemy.

Scenarios unroll rapidly in my head.  While first in line at the red light, I imagine it turning green and my going forward, only to be taken out by an eighteen-wheeler.  The strange man at the corner library table makes me nervous; suppose I turn my head and he jumps up and takes off with one of my kids?  My daughter darts past the top of the stairs, and I imagine her slipping and falling down them, slamming hard against the wood.  This is only a taste of the darkness that overtakes me at any given moment of the day.

When I was a teenager, I put no limits on the filth I allowed myself to either read or see on television.  What God created as beautiful to be exclusively between husband and wife has been perverted by the world in a way that now makes me seethe.  More than twenty years later, there remain writings and images I wish I could erase, and the enemy knows when to strategically remind me of them.  We should stop at nothing to protect the purity of our kids' bodies and minds.

I cannot recall ever having lived without this overactive imagination, the worry, fear, and fight-or-flight feeling.  All of a sudden, though, the Holy Spirit is showing me that it's not who I am.  I don't have to be bound by undesired thoughts, and do not have to think them if I don't want to! I am not crazy, as the enemy would like me to think, nor am I bound to these dark thoughts forever.  Christ is bringing darkness into light.

Back in June, on an evening when I was particularly tormented with undesirable mind-clutter, I had a moment of desperation in which I cried out to the Lord.  Normally, when I make a request of Him, I've learned to wait and He answers when I least expect it (like when He gave me the nudge about my mind last week).  However, this time, I said outright, "Lord, I can't stand this, and I need peace.  If there's a verse where you can lead me..." and before I could go on, I felt, "Ephesians 4:23."  My Bible wasn't even open, and I half-wondered if my overactive brain had come up with that verse just to have a "word from God." 
Imagine my surprise when I flipped to it and read:

"and be renewed in the spirit of your mind." 

Yes, God cares.  He made us, and in Him we already have a sound mind.  He saw fit to point me directly to what He wanted me to know, and I loved it.  God is showing me that this is way beyond words on a page, or list-making, or white-knuckled efforts at replacing my thoughts with fluffy images.  This is about my sins of worry, fear, and trying to control my mind on my own.  I have spent too many years being my own protector, and I know He wants me to hand that role back to Him.

Another verse that we take for granted that is becoming rubber-meeting-road for me is Psalm 46:10:
"Be still and know that I am God."
How on earth do I do that?!  I decided to say that very thing to my Creator: "Lord, I want to be still and let you take over my mind, but I've never done that and I need your help.  Please be in charge of my mind and bring renewal to it."

This "renewing of the mind" from what now will always be my favorite verse (Ephesians 4:23) and Romans 12:2 is beginning to click.  I'm seeing that it's not about my efforts to "change," but about allowing the Holy Spirit to take over and transform my entire way of thinking.  Christ doesn't give us a spirit of fear, but soundness of mind (2 Timothy 1:7).  As a believer, I am not a slave again to fear (Romans 8:15).  The new creation that I am in Christ "was created according to God, in true righteousness and holiness" (Ephesians 4:24).  

Will we all experience occasional fear?  Of course.  Will an unsavory thought from the past never again resurface?  Doubtful.  The change in renewal will be that I am no longer in bondage to the fear, worry, or shame that have lived in my head for so long.  Sometimes we have to get to the point of utter despair before we are willing to give complete surrender.  The Holy Spirit is the Mind-Renewer, if only we first ask and then trust.