Coram Deo

The year 2015 was unprecedented for me in healing and sanctification. For eight long, harrowing months, I experienced the pain of confronting issues and lies that have haunted me most of my life. I was tired of the elephant in the room, but bringing it to light and the work involved in redirecting things have proven exhausting.

This morning, Pastor Bryan preached from 2 Peter 1:3-11. He talked about living, as Luther put it, "coram Deo," or under the complete authority of God, literally "before His face." The idea is that followers of Christ are to reflect His virtues in every area of our lives, with consistency regardless of circumstances.

The trials and victories of the past year enable me to understand what Pastor means. I told my husband that if I had heard this message a year ago, I wouldn't have been able to relate to it a fraction of what it meant to me today. Last year, I was wishy-washy and scared; today, coram Deo is a reality. I know firsthand what it is to be raw, my sin naked before me, utterly shattered from deciding to walk straight into the pain. 

Pastor Bryan observed that many Christians don't get far in coram Deo because sanctification isn't a five-minute process. I'll take it a step further and add that it hurts, too! Who wants to sign up for a tedious, searing process? I spent many minutes, hours, days, even weeks, begging the Lord Paul-style, that He would remove the thorn that came along with this year's sanctification package. I found frustration but also deep comfort in the answer:

"My grace is sufficient for you, for My strength is made perfect in weakness." (2 Corinthians 12:9)

How undesirable, yet necessary this growth is! How deliciously harrowing! How else does the Lover of our souls tear us from our chains, but to allow us to see and be horrified by our sin? 

"My son, do not despise the chastening of the Lord, nor be discouraged when you are rebuked by Him; for whom the Lord loves He chastens, and scourges every son whom He receives. If you endure chastening, God deals with you as sons; for what son is there whom a father does not chasten?" (Hebrews 12:5-7)

Much time has been spent in 2015 reading, listening to, meditating on, and crying out to God about this passage. During most of it, I chose to believe it because He says so, even if my heart wasn't totally there yet. And the whole time, I held on to that little word: yet. Rome wasn't built in a day; neither was the heart plagued by a lifetime of lies healed in a mere day.

The writer of Hebrews also says, "...make straight paths for your feet, so that what is lame may not be dislocated, but rather healed" (12:13, my italics). This small statement sums up the past year: doing what it takes to touch the garment of coram Deo, getting off the road of crookedness no matter how dark the days. I can relate to Christian in Pilgrim's Progress, as I have fallen smack into the Slough of Despond, walked through the Valley of Humiliation, and visited the Doubting Castle countless times.

I want to shout from the rooftop that it's worth it. My heart still has broken spots, but they're not the gaping wounds they were a year ago. I can see how the chastening of the Lord is good, and how He searches and knows me (Psalm 139:24). I'm not afraid anymore to ask Him to do this, and to lead me in the way everlasting. My walk has become more than a motivational pep-talk or a bumper sticker on my car; it is rubber-meeting-road, hideously-beautiful being made new. 

The Lord's mercies are sufficient for today (Lamentations 3:22-23). I'm content to be on the road of healing while knowing there is still plenty ahead. May the Lord give strength abundantly to those who dare to live Coram Deo.