Waiting

Have you ever cried out to God for help, having no idea what to try next, and the answer is, "Wait"? To take it further, has He told you to wait because there is literally nothing that you can do? I'm there right now with two situations, one massive and the other pretty big, but easier to hand over. 

As humans, and especially being Americans, we want to be able to fix anything broken, and move on. After years of trying to do God's job, I believe He is ready for me to hand to Him what only He can do. All of it. See, in certain situations, there are indeed actions we can take to help. Sometimes, though, I have to take circumstances entirely off my hook and hang them on God's. This is part of what I call "theology set to real life;" in other words, Scripture becomes more than words we recite. It's gaining the authority to be able to quote verses not just because we've read them, but because we've lived them, and they become true. 

I have been through much refining, and anyone going through crisis will say that it's annoying to be met with, "Well, just trust God!" or "All things happen for good," or worse yet, "This, too, shall pass." I already get all of that. Knowing I need to trust God and actually doing it are two different things. It's the contrast between Job and his friends; they provide advice that's true and good, just painfully untimely. It's the difference between a shallow "Let go, and let God" lala-land theology, and narrow road "I'm sorry you're hurting, but you can be real with me." Solutions don't always fit neatly into a box, and don't come overnight. 

There's something else. I'm in a stage of anger, sadness, resentment, and covetousness. I've been trying to hang on to God's promises, even with a divided heart that might not fully believe them. I've beaten myself up over my lack of grace and not "trusting" God enough. I've gotten frustrated because the words to pray won't always come. 

But today I realized, maybe I need to acknowledge my anger first. Pretending, wearing a mask, and smoothing things over have brought me much sorrow already. I told God out loud that I can't always get the energy to pray; I want peace and a softened heart, but at the moment, I'm just plain mad! He already knows it...I might as well say it! In fact, I believe that the Holy Spirit nudged me to know it's okay. It could be that I need to feel my sadness and anger first so that I will be able to hand my helplessness over to Him with quiet submission. 

When a friend or loved-one shares a problem, how do you respond? If you are a Christ-follower, are you quick to spout verses or offer what that person "should do"? Please consider listening, praying, wiping his or her tears, and just being there. Experience in the trial department transforms us from pithy verse-quoters during crisis to true givers of grace and love. 

Today I painted Chippy. It's something simple that takes my mind to other places, allowing me to calm down. My girls painted him, too, because it was a part of school! It helps me to have us perform school tasks that bring delight. This sparrow also continues to remind me that God sees. 

My girls and I have loved watching the birds come to our feeder, or alight on the butterfly and hydrangea bushes in our backyard. We regularly observe robins, mourning doves, a tufted titmouse, chickadees, male and female cardinals, a blue jay, and this lovely towhee, who spent a long time just resting on the ground the other day. Jesus says to notice the birds, how they never worry (Matthew 6:26). And yet, "Are you not of more value than they?"

That's right where I am....reading verses like this, telling the Lord that my head knows it, but my heart is having a horrible time dealing with it in real life. Living out God's command to "wait" or "be patient" can be harrowing in daily life. It drains me of my energy, and the enemy makes me think the answers will never come. "Where's your faith?" someone may ask, or even think, "What kind of Christian are you?"

I'm learning that the answer to that question is: a REAL one. One who is helplessly human, finding it hard to rely on faith, not sight. I am one who was not born sanctified, who must face trials that turn our lip service into heart knowledge. I am one who is indeed "trusting God," but it looks raw and tearful, rather than mask-covered. I am begging the Holy Spirit to break through my fog with only a whisper, and unstop my ears enough to hear it. He does this daily, reminding me that even in this valley, he sees, and I don't have to perform for Him. I pray for Him to unite my heart to fear His name (Psalm 86:11), to have an undivided heart with which to fully love Him. 

Piper quoted Isaiah 30:15 in a sermon I listened to yesterday. It was about when God tells us to "wait," and what that can look like. I love this verse, and although I'm having trouble focusing on it right now, I read it and ask God to enable me to believe it, even if I don't quite feel it.

"For thus says the LORD God, the Holy One of Israel:
'In returning and rest you shall be saved; 
In quietness and confidence shall be your strength.'"

With my clenched fists and hurt, I also claim the second half of verse 18, which says,
"For the LORD is a God of justice; Blessed are those who wait for Him."

His mercies are new every morning (Lamentations 3:23), and that's a promise I choose to believe while I wait.