Are you thankful to not be who you once were? Boy, I am. I am not who I once was, nor am I yet who I will be a year or five from now. Part of my really coming to believe this has to do with what the Spirit laid on me some years back: the importance of asking for forgiveness.
As I thought back, times would come to mind of which I was not proud. It's a fact that we all have behaved badly and have regrets, but certain situations and people kept nagging at my mind. How terribly I had acted toward them; how I wished I hadn't done specific things!
"What, Lord? You want me to do...what?"
Yes, He wanted me to reach out and apologize...for things that had happened years and years ago.
"Please, no! Lord, how am I supposed to confront people over things that happened so long ago? They'll think I'm nuts!"
Yet it wouldn't go away. You can guess what came next.
Before I go further, let me clarify a few things. First, although the incidents that were coming to mind were nothing earth-shattering by the world's standards, I was learning that by God's standards, I had sinned against a fellow image-bearer, regardless of how "small" it might seem. Also, the process of "making amends," as my Dad calls it, has shown me the truth that my sin is foremost against God: "Against You, You only, have I sinned, and done this evil in Your sight," David laments in Psalm 51:4. We must first go to the Lord and acknowledge how our sins hurt Him, repent, and praise Him for His forgiveness. The blood of His slaughtered Son covers all wrongdoing.
So, why bother going to the one who was offended, if God forgives? Believe me, I kicked this up and down in my head awhile, aiming to avoid the discomfort of confronting my bad behavior in front of others. There is no way around it; being a Christ follower requires painful sanctification, and also obedience. If the Spirit kept bringing this up, I had no choice but to obey. I would discover the reason, which turns out to be the reason for everything we're supposed to do: it's all for the glory of Almighty God.
Over the past four years or so, I have made amends in various ways: surprising someone via email with an apology about something I did or said, sending back an item that wasn't mine to its rightful owner, and even making outright phone calls to ask for forgiveness. As I contemplated writing this post, more apologies came to mind than I had remembered. The thing is, the first time I obeyed and did it, I thought, "Whew! Well, that's over; I survived!" Then guess what happened? It wasn't long after that another person came to mind...then another...and yet another. Dang it....oh, yeah...that narrow road thing again.
I don't write this to puff myself up. Trust me...nothing deflates a person like having to call someone on the phone and say, "Remember when we were in college and you were so nice to me and I was rude to you? By the grace of God, I'm not who I was then, and I want you to know I'm sorry and ask you to forgive me." And it doesn't get much easier with practice, either. My heart goes in my throat every time, whether I'm typing a note or dialing a number. I write this because I know my audience has pasts we'd all like to heal, amends we all need to make. I want to give you the courage to pray about whose forgiveness you should ask, too.
A word of wisdom to those who are married: Share apologies to the opposite sex, no matter how "innocent," with your spouse. I have indeed gone to past boyfriends who I know I hurt deeply, and explained to them that I am now a Christ-follower asking their forgiveness. Be guarded against any traps the enemy wants to use for darkness, and pray to not be deceived. It is dangerous to secretly do this and then find yourself adding as a friend on Facebook someone you were involved with romantically in your past. Send an email, don't waste words, and then be done. Don't let Satan take what you mean for good and twist it into something contrary to God's design.
Also keep in mind that the person might not receive you with warmth. You are acting in obedience anyway, and they are on God's hook, not yours. Again, you've done what you set out to do...now move on.
One incident nagged at me for years. In 1997, I was a senior in college and found myself among a group of sophomore sorority sisters. I was cocky and felt so much wiser and adult-like. When one said I could hang out with them "..because you're one of us," I answered, "I don't want to be one of you." That hideous response stuck in my heart and wouldn't go away until about three years ago, when I messaged that girl, now a grown woman with kids, who I had not seen in about years. I explained what I remembered, word for word, not skipping the sting....then awaited a response.
I expected her to say that she had been very hurt by it. I know I had become unpopular with her group of friends because of my superior attitude (actually, insecurity). Surprisingly, she said, "I don't remember that at all. I remember you as a very kind person."
Again, why am I writing this? To say that in doing this thing with offering random apologies to whoever comes to mind, I have witnessed and received such grace, the kind the Lord wants to show me. He uses me to encourage others to go and ask for forgiveness, and He has used countless recipients of my apologies to demonstrate to me what true grace is. I have been blown away by some other responses:
"To tell you the truth, Bertie [my college nickname], I really don't recall it."
"You have nothing to ask my forgiveness for." (Yes, I did, but that person was gracious).
"What you're doing takes a hell of a lot of courage....I've never heard of anyone doing something like this."
"Of course I forgive you. I don't know what I'd do if Christ hadn't forgiven me."
"It's ok...and I'm sorry, too."
What if you can't reach the person (such as a deceased teacher), or you committed a wrong against society (like defacing property), and you still want to express your wrongdoing? God was there, and our sin is against Him. When there's no specific person with skin on, we have to take it to God and know that His forgiveness is enough. I once kept a CD belonging to someone, and he knew I had it, although I wickedly repeatedly denied it. For years I had it and even listened to it, uncaring. I have no idea where that guy is, and the CD was stolen back in 2000. R.M., if I find you, I owe you a Van Morrison CD. In the meantime, I will still seek you, and I thank God for forgiving me.
I found a tape that belonged to a nursery school where I worked, and couldn't stand to have it in the house one more minute. Sixteen years later, I put it in an envelope and mailed it back. Another person had given me money for a specific purpose, and I had taken it and spent it dishonestly. Ten years later, I put my own money into an envelope and mailed it to the individual's office. I included a note; all I wrote was, "Here's the money I owe you."
Once I said something horribly insensitive and immature that hurt someone because of her sister's condition. It had not been my intention to sound so stupid, but once the comment was out, my foot was in. I remember trying to smooth it over, but the more I said, the worse I sounded. That was in 1994. Twenty years later, I messaged that lady, my former classmate, and told her I was sorry for things I had said that hurt her. I had to use the sensitivity I didn't have before, and this time I didn't mention the specifics. If she didn't remember, I didn't want to hurt her all over again.
This is not an invitation to torture yourself into coming up with every terrible thing you've ever done. Let the Spirit gently and lovingly (as is His way) bring these to light slowly. You will know the right time and manner in which to seek forgiveness. Pray about what to say, and let the Lord give you the words. Once you've asked for forgiveness, thank God for the courage, and find freedom in it. He gets the glory; it's His victory, and you have the privilege in sharing in it.
My prayer is that everyone who reads this will be bold enough to make amends. Go in the Holy Spirit's power, not your own. He makes us brave when we live according to Him. I shared this with a close friend, and that dear lady showed me just last week her email in making amends, and the beautiful response from the friend who, after many years, had forgiven her.
Praise God, we're not who we once were, nor are we who we will be.
Until next time!
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