I'm chewing on a new nudge the Holy Spirit has given me: Sensitivity of the heart and mind is not a curse, but a blessing. This is such a part of my life, I can't begin to touch the surface of it in a blog post. The condensed version is this: When I hear or see things, I can be extremely sensitive to the information and/or image presented, sometimes to the point of being mentally bogged down and not being able to get past it.
My friend, Jenny, describes this beautifully in her blog post, "It's a HSP Thing." When I read this a while back, I agreed and identified with it, and put the term "highly sensitive person" (HSP) on the back-burner (after all, there's so much at the front of my mind already!). Jenny shed light for me, but at the time, I was thinking more about one of my children and not about myself.
Anyone who reads my blog or knows me intimately is aware of my mind battles. For all of my life, I have considered them a curse, something to "struggle" with for the rest of my life, a constant "fight AND flight" response about so many things I see and hear. For instance, one day I heard a horrific story on the news about what a mother had done to her baby girl. I choose not to repeat it here for myself and others, as it stayed with me all night and for days after. See, I don't just hear news items; they become real in my mind, almost as if I feel them.
The enemy has attempted to make me hate that my mind is this way, that I envision and feel things. My counselor-friend once told me something astounding. He said that the Lord created me as someone with extreme empathy, that is, when I hear someone else's problem, I literally put myself in their shoes and feel their pain. I responded that I wasn't sure I wanted to have that trait! However, when I think about it, didn't Christ Himself feel everyone's pain? Am I not called to "know Him...and the fellowship of His sufferings..."? (Philippians 3:10, my emphasis). Yikes. In taking off the masks I've worn for so long, I'm seeing that who I really am is someone it might be painful to be, but the reward comes in knowing Christ and being known by Him.
As I've stated in past posts, in seeking healing for many life wounds, the enemy has used my sensitive mind against me, having me "see" atrocities I've never dreamed of thinking about before. There have been days when thoughts or images suffocate me all day and night. What Satan should have anticipated, though, was that it has only brought me closer to Christ, and for that I am thankful. Again, it is through suffering that we know and are brought closer to the Lord. "He leads me in paths of righteousness for His name's sake" (Psalm 23:3).
Anyway, the other day I was on the Facebook newsfeed, which, because of my mind, I wish I could filter. I come across countless ads and stories that I wish I didn't have to look at, and for that reason, I tread carefully. I saw an image that went with an article (fake, according to Snopes), but all it took was a split-second glance, and the photo was etched. I won't describe it, but it was grotesque. My husband couldn't see the big deal since it was fake, but those without such sensitive minds don't always grasp the magnitude of one little story or image.
Incidentally, the enemy has been using this sensitivity against me all my life. As a child, and during my teenage years, I saw and later allowed myself to be exposed to numerous ideas, images, and stories that stripped my innocence and have changed life as I should have lived it. Now, as an adult, I see the damage that unfiltered eyes and ears can cause, and am having to undo multiple lies I've believed about who I am and how God sees me.
Back to my story...
So, I had this image from Facebook locked in my mind, and couldn't let it go. I remembered Jenny's HSP article and emailed her about it. I cried out to the Lord and asked, "What on earth is wrong with me?! Why can other people just mosey along and see all kinds of things, and sleep fine at night? Why do I hang on to these images and notions?" And He answered the way He did once before when I asked pretty much the same question: God meant for us all to be sensitive toward things that are repulsive.
Our culture is de-sensitized. We watch revolting pornographic scenes in movies like it's no big deal. We hear about human beings in the womb being stabbed with scissors because they are considered inconvenient, and it's as ordinary as the weather. Heck, we even watch videos of it, and don't give it a second thought. We look at pictures of animals mistreated and mangled, and it's just another story. No, being "overly sensitive" is not a curse; it's a blessing.
I should be overly concerned about what I'm putting before my eyes, because it goes into my heart, and I am warned to "keep [my] heart with all diligence, for out of it spring the issues of life" (Proverbs 4:23). I should be horrified at some of the images and stories I see and hear, as if they're no big deal. It should bother me that certain things are happening in the world, and I should be cringing and refusing to hear more about it. And for believers in Christ, we should seek to honor Him in all we see...and all we think about.
We live in a culture of T.M.I. Where do we draw the line? I've been accused of having "my head in the sand," but that's okay. I know what's too much. If a person is squeamish about blood, others understand. If someone is intolerant to gluten, no one else questions it. I contend that all of us were designed to guard our hearts against the filth that has infiltrated our culture, but most just aren't sensitive to it anymore. Either that, or it just isn't cool to be a "prude," as the world sees it.
I do know it is cool to have a clean mind and heart. It is productive to be surrounded by beautiful things. It is wise to use discernment about what is good and what is unhealthy to put into our heads. A person isn't tougher or "more hip" because they can "handle" certain images; that's a lie. I'm trusting God to keep me intentional, and to continue to renew my heart and mind. I believe that after more healing, He will have me fully embrace my sensitive mind. I'm not completely there, but well on the way to viewing it as a blessing.
Amen!
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